Suffering is the Best Punishment
by shannyfish
Summary: Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.
1. Red John Returns

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 1 – "Red John Returns"**

**Author's Note: **this is my first try in "The Mentalist" fandom. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

............................

"_Something of vengeance I had tasted for the first time; as aromatic wine it seemed, on swallowing, warm and racy: its after-flavor, metallic and corroding, gave me a sensation as if I had been poisoned." - Charlotte Bronte_

**CBI Headquarters**

Red John.

Jane stared up at the ceiling from where he lay on "his couch." Red John was back. There'd been two deaths in the last few days in the area with all the signs of Red John. He felt like they were so close. So close. He closed his eyes, but opened them again when he was haunted by the memories of coming home...his wife and daughter...the note on the door...the face painted in blood on the wall...his wife's toenails...painted with her own blood.

Finding Red John, in the end, wouldn't be the problem he'd face. Lisbon and the rest of the team and CBI itself would be the hurtles he'd have to overcome. They wanted Red John to go through the justice system. Red John didn't deserve justice. Red John didn't deserve jail. Jail was too easy. He deserved the revenge that he wanted to inflict upon the murderer of his family.

His day of vengeance was coming.

He'd warned Lisbon before. She didn't believe him that he'd rather die and know that she had the information to capture Red John. He would. He'd gladly die if it meant Red John's capture. He'd gladly die.

"Has anyone seen Lisbon?"

His head turned at the query. It was Agent Grace Van Pelt. She looked concerned, though he didn't know why. "She's at some conference, I thought." He remembered her saying that she'd be gone and that he didn't need to come in for the week, but where else could he go? At least if he went in to CBI there would be a better chance of being there when a Red John case came in. He also wasn't in his home forced to remember what had happened.

"They just called from there. She never reported in. They wanted to know if another agent was coming to take her place," Van Pelt responded.

Jane frowned. It wasn't like Lisbon to blow things off. At least not without him there. She was a stickler for work. He sat up and looked over at Van Pelt. "Did you try her cell?"

"She's not picking up."

Van Pelt was definitely worried, but she wasn't the only one. "Maybe her car broke down..."

"And her cell died?" Van Pelt asked. She sighed. "She could be hurt, if it was a hit and run."

"Can't you look up the GPS on her phone?" Jane asked as he got to his feet and headed in her direction. She was already sitting down at her workstation in front of her computer. Cho and Rigsby were out getting coffee and lunch. But he knew that there was no use calling them until they knew where they were going.

"I can look up her vehicle's GPS locator too," Van Pelt said.

He watched as her fingers flew across the keys. "Maybe she's just in a dead zone."

"She would have called."

And he knew that she was right. "Where is she?"

"Her vehicle's in Shaver Lake," Van Pelt announced. "That's not where the conference is."

"I'll call Rigsby and Cho. Track her cell," Jane ordered. He was worried about her. Lisbon wasn't one to just float off course. She'd been looking forward to the conference. He moved to Rigsby's desk and started to call the other two in.

"Her cell's GPS is locking onto a tower in Clovis. That's more than forty miles between the two locations," Van Pelt announced.

She'd turned in her chair towards him, she looked even more worried. "Let's say Lisbon was heading to Shaver Lake for something, would she have to go through Clovis to get there?"

"The conference was in Fresno."

"Can you just check?" Jane doubted that Lisbon had lied about the conference or had decided that she'd go on vacation, but if Clovis was a logical stop on the way to Shaver Lake, then it was something to look into.

He walked back to her once he'd finished his phone call. "Cho and Rigsby are on their way in."

"Clovis would have been a place she'd go through in order to reach Shaver Lake. Clovis is really close to Fresno. Why would she have deviated?"

"Could she have been re-routed on the freeway?"

"Maybe. I can check." Van Pelt turned back to her computer. "I know she was using a GPS unit to make sure she didn't get lost."

.................................

**En Route to Clovis**

"What's wrong?"

Jane turned his head towards Van Pelt. She looked worried, like she had earlier. He'd been staring out his window since they'd left. He hadn't been listening. "Lisbon will be fine."

"The local police are looking into locating her phone and her vehicle," Van Pelt said. "But that's not what I said.

"I'm sorry," Jane apologized. He'd driven with Van Pelt just because he knew that the ride would be quieter. Though, Cho would be quiet as well, then that would leave Van Pelt and Rigsby together and currently they were acting like they didn't want to have anything to do with one another. Normally he'd press things, so that they were purposely put together in order to face their feelings for each other, but not this time. This time he was more concerned about Lisbon.

"What's wrong with you?"

He heard her that time. Great, now she was worried about him. Not exactly what he wanted. "I'm just worried about Lisbon."

"You've been like this for days."

Silence.

He didn't want to respond to her accusations. He hadn't been acting odd. Jane had been thinking about Red John. How they were getting so close. How he wanted time with him. How he wanted to kill him himself. Jane was trying to figure out how to make that happen with Lisbon, Rigsby, Van Pelt, and Cho along when Red John is finally taken down.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he finally told her. "Maybe something's bothering you? Would you like to talk about it?"

"What?"

Turning the tables always worked well, at the very least it threw the other off of the topic being discussed. "I'm just saying. If you need to talk. I'm here."

Silence.

Grace Van Pelt was speechless. He'd accomplished his goal. For now, they'd ride in silence. He'd be able to focus back on his thoughts. Red John. He tried to focus on him, but he found his thoughts wavering. Lisbon. He didn't like the fact that she was missing. He didn't understand why her phone was in one place and her vehicle was in another and she had yet to contact them. It was almost frightening.

Care.

He did care. Jane hadn't meant or set out to form any type of family after the death of his. He hadn't wanted to form friendships. It had just happened. In truth, he cared deeply for Lisbon and the team. He wanted Rigsby and Van Pelt to finally get past the awkward phase and give in to fate. They were truly meant to be together. He wanted them all to be happy. Jane also wanted Lisbon to be happy. She was always smiling, but their last run in with Red John in which he was forced to kill their only link...he could have lost her.

Lost her.

Jane felt sick. He hadn't meant to care so much for anyone since his wife and daughter. They had been his life. They still were in most ways. Lisbon was different. She shone. They argued, they argued a lot in fact. Their arguing wasn't like fighting, but more like playful banter. Almost like their own language, their own form of flirtation.

Months ago, a man was going to shoot her. Jane ended up shooting him instead and losing all information possible in regards to Red John. He had originally told Lisbon that he would have rather died and known that they got the information than be alive. He wouldn't trade Lisbon's life for the information. No matter how much solace that information on Red John could give him, he couldn't allow for her to die.

Flashes of moments. Freeway. Cars. Bushes. Trees. Exits. Signs. The car was moving, but he wasn't paying attention to where they were going. He wouldn't be able to retrace their route if he needed to. The car started to slow. Off-ramp. Exit.

Welcome to Clovis.

................................

**Clovis, California**

"We're going to have to spend the night here," Cho announced.

"Did they find Lisbon's phone?" Rigsby asked.

"All I could get out of them is that they have it. They have to retrieve it from lock-up, but the detective I talked to acted like there was something more to it," Van Pelt informed them.

"We need to go to Shaver Lake tonight," Jane finally spoke up. He'd been off to the side. Mostly listening. But this he felt the need to vocalize. They needed to find Lisbon, tonight.

"They said that we may get lost going up the mountain," Van Pelt told him.

"Didn't we bring the GPS? It can't be that hard," Jane told them. "And I'm sure the precinct is on the way to the road up the mountain, am I right?" He looked at them all and wondered if any of them really cared. He had always believed that this bunch were tight, that they were a family. Why weren't they worried? Jane wasn't sure he understood it.

"They won't let us see the phone until the morning," Van Pelt told him. "The chief of police has it specially locked up for us. To ensure that when we get there it's still there. They're trying to help us, Jane."

"She could be in trouble," Jane told them. "Why aren't any of you worried?"

"She can take care of herself," Rigsby told him matter of factly. "The campground's being searched, but it's pretty large. The surrounding area was searched during the day with volunteers. So far, no signs of foul play."

There was something wrong. He could feel it. It wasn't just some simple accident that Lisbon's phone was in Clovis and her vehicle was up at Shaver Lake. No Lisbon. There was something wrong. Something terribly wrong. "Has she ever been threatened in the past?"

"Come on, Jane, we all have."

"Rigsby's right. But no one's ever singled out the boss as far as I can recall," Cho said.

"I'm going up there tonight," Jane said. "You all can meet me up there in the morning."

"Wait," Van Pelt said quickly.

Jane could see a tinge of worry cross over her. He knew that these three thought that they were all tough, but he could see now that there were bits of worry in all of them. She looked back towards Rigsby and Cho. "I'll go with Jane. We'll call you when we get up there."

"We should all go in the morning," Rigsby said quickly.

He focused between Rigsby and Van Pelt. Rigsby was worried for her safety. Most likely that they'd disappear like Lisbon had. "Maybe Cho should go with me."

"Why am I going to be the one lost in the dark on the mountain?" Cho asked.

"We're not going to be lost," Jane told him. "We're going to find Lisbon. I said I'd go alone."

"You're not going alone," Van Pelt said.

Jane watched as she turned to Rigsby. Though there was something dark and deeply hidden in the woman's past, Jane couldn't quite figure out what it was. Whatever it was, it was one of the factors that were keeping her from pursuing a relationship of any kind with Rigsby. Van Pelt couldn't take chances in the current state of mind she was in. It was limiting her life because it limited her choices her path could take.

"You and Cho need to go to the precinct in the morning and see about Lisbon's phone. The chief of police will be in then. Jane and I will meet you by lunch time, and hopefully with the boss."

She seemed strong enough, but Jane was confident that it was part of a façade that she'd worked up. A barrier that she kept, so that people couldn't get close. Sometimes Van Pelt was quiet, but this time she was strong and in the lead. Perhaps Lisbon had rubbed off on her, she just wasn't quite so demanding yet.

"I'll call you as soon as we get there, I promise," Van Pelt said.

Jane noticed that she said this to both of them, but her eyes were on Rigsby. If they weren't in search of Lisbon, he would have definitely found some way to keep them together. Van Pelt, though, always seemed a little more willing than the others to follow in his schemes; he wasn't sure if that was just because she believed in his gifts or if it was just because she trusted him.

"I'll make sure the GPS isn't lying," Jane told them. One of their theories had been that Lisbon's GPS had messed her up, but he intended to test that idea as they headed up the mountain. After all, Van Pelt had the same GPS.

...................................

**Camp Edison**

**Shaver Lake, California**

It had taken them nearly two hours to make it all the way up the mountain and to the location where Lisbon's vehicle was supposed to be. The campground was much larger than he'd expected. It was late though and he was worried that Van Pelt was going to run them into a tree if they didn't stop.

"There it is!" Jane shouted as he saw the campground they were going to. Sugar Pine. The host of that specific campground area was expecting them. The administration office had forwarded them there. Lisbon's vehicle was supposed to be located in their third vehicle parking area.

Van Pelt pulled them in and they drove slowly past campsites until they came upon a motor home that had the sign "Sugar Pine Host" in front. He watched as she struggled a bit with putting it into park. Their vehicle was turned off and she looked over at Jane.

"They said they may be sleeping."

He knew it was a possibility, but he intended to knock louder if no one answered with Grace Van Pelt's civilized knocks. Before they could exit, though, a light mounted on the outside of the motor home came on and an elderly couple emerged from the motor home. "Maybe not," Jane said and pointed towards them.

Van Pelt rolled down the window. Jane could see that she was struggling with keeping an awake kind face on. He was just anxious. "Hello," he greeted before she could.

"Are you from the F.B.I.?" the man asked.

"Yes," Van Pelt said and held up her badge. "I'm Agent Grace Van Pelt and this is Patrick Jane."

"I hope we can help," the woman said kindly.

"We've been told that our boss' vehicle is located on your grounds, we were hoping you'd have additional information. If you saw her."

"Her name is Theresa Lisbon," he spoke up. Jane just wanted some idea. Was Lisbon lost? Where was she? Some kind of clue could help. Though he was sure after they found out about the phone and her vehicle that they'd know more. He noticed the man's frown. His stomach knotted in fear.

"Maybe there's been a miscommunication," the man said. "Your friend's vehicle is in our lot, but she's here too. We allowed her to use one of our sites. Our son was up a few days ago and I haven't gotten around to taking down his tent, I let her stay there."

"Do you know why she came up here in the first place?" Van Pelt questioned.

"I was down in Clovis. We thought we had a missing girl...she offered to help."

"She's sweet," the woman asked.

"What campsite is that?" Jane asked impatiently.

The man nodded and then pointed down the narrow dirt path. "She's at campsite seventy, it's right next to the third vehicle parking. They're marked."

"Thanks," Van Pelt responded.

She turned on the vehicle without another word. Maybe it was in case they weren't correct. For all they knew, Lisbon had left...if she had been there. If she was there...why hadn't she called them? Had she thought that no one would realize that she hadn't quite made it to the conference? As Van Pelt drove the campground, it seemed to drag by. It seemed like the numbers didn't climb fast enough.

"Seventy," she announced.

The vehicle was stopped again and turned off. There was a bright orange dome tent set up in the campsite. Lisbon's vehicle could also be seen parked alongside the campsite. There was no light or movement that he could see, but that didn't mean anything.

"You haven't called Rigsby yet," Jane reminded.

"We'll check the tent first," she told him.

"I'll go wake her up," Jane told her. "Go ahead and call him. He's probably pacing the hotel room waiting for your call."

He noticed her eyes roll, but he just smiled. "I won't take long," Jane told her. "Maybe she has a few extra sleeping bags and we can just camp up here tonight."

Opening his door, Jane exited the vehicle. He looked briefly over his shoulder to make sure that she was actually calling. She was. As he entered the campsite, he noticed a battery operated lantern on the table and picked it up. He turned the switch and flipped it on. When he moved it, so that it lit up the side of the tent, he froze.

Blood.

Smile.

Red John.

His mark was on the side of the tent Lisbon was supposed to be in. Red John hadn't been where he'd gone when he'd been informed about Lisbon. Why would he hurt her? Why? It came to him quickly. Lisbon was his family. They were close. Without his wife and child, she was the next closest person to him.

He loved Theresa Lisbon.

It hit him like a train. It was the truth. He loved her. To admit it, though, was to let go the memory of his slaughtered wife and child. He wasn't ready for that. He hadn't wanted her to suffer because of him. He didn't even know if she even felt the same way.

He loved Theresa Lisbon.

Dropping the lantern, the light cascaded back and forth once it hit the ground. The red bloody hand drawn face was still lit up. He hurried around to the flap of the tent. It was zipped. "Lisbon!" he yelled. He hoped for a response. He didn't get one. He unzipped it and stared inside. There was a sleeping bag.

Loved.

Stepped into the tent, he crouched over the sleeping bag. Pulling it back, he wasn't sure what to feel. There was no Theresa Lisbon inside. There was a large stain of crimson blood though. He wanted to scream. To cry. To yell.

"Jane!"

Van Pelt's voice was dim, but he could hear it. She'd obviously noticed Red John's calling card.

The blood.

Theresa Lisbon's blood had been spilled. It soaked the beige lining of the sleeping bag. It coated the tent where it had been used as paint. How much blood was it? Was it enough to mean that she was dead? There was no body. Why wasn't there a body?

Red John.

In that moment, Patrick Jane suddenly realized that no matter what he did, that until Red John was stopped that his suffering would never end. Red John would use every person that he remotely cared about against him. He also realized that he felt like he had when he'd arrived at his bedroom door, he remembered the note vividly on the door, the words, the horror as he reached for the door knob, the face, and then the bodies.

Pain.

Horror.

Pain.

Fear.

Pain.

Panic.

Tears fell from his eyes, but he couldn't find his voice. No sobs or angry screams escaped his lips. He just crouched there uncomfortably staring at the blood in the sleeping bag where Theresa Lisbon had once laid.

"Jane."

A hand rested on his shoulder. He didn't look at her. He couldn't. This was his fault. Theresa Lisbon was dead. It was how Red John operated. He didn't hold prisoners. He just killed. How could he face Grace Van Pelt when he had been the cause of Lisbon's death?

"Jane."

"She's dead..."

................................

TBC....


	2. Despair

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 2 – "Despair"**

**Author's Note: **Thanks to all who reviewed the first chapter! I truly appreciate the comments and suggestions!Okay, CBS so needs to release "The Mentalist" Season One DVD before September...it would be far more helpful to me, since I only have two episodes saved...

............................

"_Your lost friends are not dead, but gone before, advanced a stage or two upon that road which you must travel in the steps they trod."- Aristophanes_

**CBI Headquarters**

Two weeks.

He'd thought about leaving the CBI. To look for Lisbon on his own, but it seemed like there was nowhere to look. When Red John was involved, there were not a lot of clues to follow. There was no use. He could use the CBI and the team...at least for now. Cho had been temporarily put in charge of the team, though it was mainly in title only. Rigsby, Cho, and Van Pelt worked well as a trio team. He had mainly stayed on the side lines. He was just waiting for his turn. His time. His opening. So far, all he'd done was wait.

Two weeks.

Jane stared at the ceiling and tried to think, he thought that if he thought hard enough he could think of something...something that could lead them to Lisbon. After two weeks, they still weren't positive if she was dead or alive. There had been no body...or body parts. The coroner had said that there had been enough blood that it could have been that she'd been killed there, but they still couldn't be one hundred percent sure, after all, the sleeping bag had absorbed the blood and some of it had been used to paint Red John's calling sign.

Two weeks.

No answers and Jane felt like he was dying inside. He'd been having more dreams...nightmares. The nightmares he was used to, the ones about coming home and finding his wife and child...dead. And then the new ones. The bright orange tent with the face, the blood soaked sleeping bag, hearing Lisbon calling for help, and then going out into the wooded area and never being able to find her.

He couldn't believe that she was dead. He couldn't fathom another loss. Jane had just finally realized that he could love again. Not only that he could, but he had. That he loved Theresa Lisbon. He hadn't wanted to move on, but somehow he had unconsciously.

"How are you doing today?"

The voice forced him to snap out of his thoughts and he turned his head to see Van Pelt standing there. Everyday she'd ask the same thing; try to put on a smile for him. Today her red hair was down, framing her face. She had on dark slacks and jacket with a warm spring green shirt. Every day, just like the one before. It wasn't comforting.

"I could be better," he told her honestly. He hated lying, though normally he did, just for Van Pelt. She was trying so hard to be the team's own morale officer that he hated for her to think that she was failing. It was what was holding her together, her façade.

"How about some tea?"

Jane smiled and shook his head as he sat up. "No, thank you." Normally, he found his tea quite calming, but it didn't have its normal effect any longer. It was a bit depressing. He kept on his smile, just for Van Pelt. "Do you have any idea what's on the agenda today?"

"Not yet."

"Let me know when you do."

He always hoped that it was a link to Red John. A clue. Something. Anything. All he could do was think about what Red John could be doing to Lisbon. The more time that passed, the less hope he truly had that she was alive. Normally, he would shoot down such hope, but he knew that Red John wanted to torture him. Lisbon was his way of doing this.

She wasn't dead.

Not yet at least.

That didn't comfort him. Jane just wanted Cho to tell them that the agenda was to search the state of California for their boss, though he knew that it would never happen. The CBI didn't have the time or resources to do such a thing for just one person.

...................................

**CBI Headquarters**

Two weeks. One day.

Lisbon was still missing.

No Lisbon. No word. No answers. No other clues. No nothing. No. No. No. No. No. Jane wanted to scream "No" that they couldn't just sit around and not look for her. He felt like he was going crazy...again. At the thought, he pulled in a deep breath, hoping for calm. It didn't work well. Maybe this was what he wanted. Red John wanted him to lose it again.

"We've got a case," Cho announced.

Jane didn't move. Mainly because he was too comfortable, even though he was absolutely miserable. Cho wasn't going to announce anything he wanted to hear. The case had nothing to do with Lisbon. The case had nothing to do with Red John. Therefore, he had no interest.

"Jane," Van Pelt called.

She was trying to be kind, polite even, just in case he hadn't heard Cho. He had Cho. He still wasn't moving. There really was no reason. He felt like he'd lost all motivation in the world. Yesterday had been hard, but today was so much harder. He wasn't going to make the day even more unbearable by pretending that there was hope, that Cho's case announcement was something that he could work on.

Red John cases were all he could work on.

He was surprised that he hadn't been asked to go on "vacation" in order to properly take in what had happened. He knew it was coming, probably tomorrow. They'd probably recruit Van Pelt to do it. Jane would be ready, though he knew he wouldn't be able to defeat her with his words this time. He'd have to take the week off. Come back and pretend that it had helped.

"I'm not going," Jane finally spoke up.

"Why not?" Rigsby asked.

He continued to stare at the ceiling. Rigsby sounded disappointed, almost hurt. In truth, he wasn't the only one suffering; honestly he was the only one wallowing in it. Jane placed his hand so that it rested over his eyes. "I have a migraine," he lied. "I think I'm just going to go home and lie down."

"Take something for it, too," Van Pelt said.

"You're lying," Cho challenged.

Jane ignored him. He tried to act as if the lights hurt his eyes as he sat up and then got to his feet. He could see that Rigsby looked as if he was being abandoned, Van Pelt looked worried, and Cho just looked irritated. Yes, he was letting down the team, but he wasn't in a way. He was saving them from his miserable disposition for the rest of the day. Maybe he wouldn't come in tomorrow. Maybe he'd stay home and wallow in his miserable existence there.

"I will take something," he told Van Pelt with a slight nod before he headed out.

He was pathetic.

Jane knew that. He couldn't even pass the hours anymore on his couch. He didn't even have to do anything, but lie there. He could sleep, stare up at the ceiling, stare off at the people at their desks, drink his tea (and he didn't even have to make it, Van Pelt would make it for him if he wanted), or talk to Rigsby.

As he headed out of the building, he felt as if Lisbon's memory was darkening, as if she were becoming lost in the mist of his memory. He may not have known her for very long, but he'd known her. Theresa Lisbon was a good woman, beautiful in all ways. Her eyes were his favorite; they were beautiful and changed with her mood. She was tough, but also could be tender. She cared.

His step quickened as the memory of her brought tears to his eyes. It had been the first time all day he'd felt like crying. It was harder this way. Red John had found the worse way to pull at him. Not knowing. It was cruel, harsh, and severe. It was something that at times you could find hope and then at other times all hope had to be abandoned to despair. This was one of those times.

For all he knew, Theresa Lisbon _was _dead. Why would he keep her alive? It would cause more trouble than just hiding or keeping the body. She was probably decomposing somewhere. That thought just made him sick. For her to never be found, to be identified. Lisbon had family, they should know her fate. Even if it was death.

Death.

It was permanent.

It was cruel.

It was heartless.

It was despair.

With his car in sight, he sucked in breath and tried to keep his tears at bay. Jane just wanted to make it to his car before they assaulted him. Suddenly he remembered when Lisbon had allowed him to drive her around in his car. She'd told him that that had been real trust. The tears flowed freely as his key entered the keyhole in the car door and he turned it.

...................................

**Jane Residence**

It was something that had greeted him on the worst day of his life. Now, it greeted him every day. He trudged into his bedroom and started to unpeel his jacket from his body. He let it drop where it may and made his way to the mattress on the floor that served as his bed. Jane let himself drop down onto it. He just sat there for several minutes in silence, just staring at nothing.

His shoes came off once he'd snapped out of it. It was enough so that he could lie down comfortably. He turned in the bed and laid down, his head hitting the pillow. Something moved. Something that wasn't him. Sitting up, he looked around. He had heard the tiny sound of the movement, but had also seen something out of the corner of his eye.

Lying on the floor next to the mattress bed was a tiny silver colored chain that had a delicate small cross on it. He stared at it for a long time. It was familiar. It brought memories to the surface. It brought pain and despair. It brought hope.

Lisbon.

Red John had been in his house again. He'd purposefully left it for him. Why? To tease? To motivate him? Jane wasn't sure. He wasn't even sure how he felt at the exact moment. Anger slowly rose. What was Red John trying to communicate with him? Thoughts flooded his brain and made him dizzy.

Lisbon.

He stared at the tiny cross that rested in the palm of his hand. Shiny silver against the pink palm of his hand. She wore it every day. It was a simple, small accessory, but one he was sure meant something to her. He was sending a message, but was it one of life or death?

Lisbon.

Jane had to believe that she was alive. He couldn't bear her death. Why would Red John push him on if only to find her remains? It wasn't Red John's style. In a way, Jane saw it as a warning and it made him want to leave the team. To protect him. No one else would die because of him.

Lisbon.

She couldn't be dead.

He couldn't bear it.

If Red John wanted to take someone, he wanted to be the one taken.

Patrick Jane.

That wasn't the way he operated though. He continued to stare at the tiny cross. Tears cascaded down his cheeks and eventually splattered what he held in his hand. He tilted his head upward to the constant reminder of Red John. The smiley face drawn in blood on his wall. Why wasn't he released? Hadn't he paid more than enough for what Red John felt he owed?

Let him die.

He loved her.

And it killed him.

Wrapping his hand around the cross, he finally released his sobs and let them roll out of him. His head tilted forward until his forehead came into contact with his clutched hand. The rocking was unconscious. Several minutes passed and his eyes burned, his cheeks were dry with salt. He couldn't cry anymore. He didn't have it in him. His throat was dry and burned from the sobbing. His body couldn't grieve any longer...at least for the time being. It felt as if a larger weight had been pressed upon him.

This was why people committed suicide, he suddenly realized. Sometimes the world was too hard to bear. He knew that that was not the way out. If he died, then Red John was surely kill Lisbon if she was still alive. His death would only bring about more death. There was no justice or fairness in that.

He pulled his legs up and curled them up under him as he laid on his side, his head hit the pillow and he tried to sleep. Sleep would renew him enough to grieve again. He pulled the hand that tightly held the cross to his chest and then placed his other hand over it, to hold it firmly in place.

A piece of Lisbon.

Hope.

She was alive.

Tomorrow was a new day. He'd have to keep from wallowing on the couch. He'd have to act optimistic and happy. He'd have to greet Van Pelt with a smile and "good morning, how are you this morning?" before she could him. He had to be exactly what he didn't feel. He needed to do it for her. He needed to do it in order to stay on the team. He already knew that it was coming and if he looked like he would still be a beneficial part of the team, then it would go away. At least for the time being.

Tomorrow there was hope.

...........................

TBC...


	3. MIA

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 3 – "MIA"**

**Author's Note: **none

............................

"_It is not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather, our concern must be to live while we're alive - to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a facade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are."_

_- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross_

**CBI Headquarters**

Week two. Day two.

He entered with a smile, brighter than the sun. He'd taken extra time on his appearance. He'd had breakfast and tea beforehand. He'd done everything to try to make himself as presentable and on the ball for the team as possible.

Jane had ensured his arrival would be ahead of the rest of the team. He'd planned on making sure there was coffee ready for them and have it waiting when they got there. Jane just hoped that they'd see it as a gesture of good faith rather than a bribe for him wanting something. The only things he wanted at the moment were Theresa Lisbon's safe return and Red John's death (preferably at his hands).

Although it seemed like Cho tried to be there early, most times it was Van Pelt who ended up being there first. He had a feeling that it was because Van Pelt was desperately trying to prove herself, partly because she was the newest member of the team and probably partly because she was somehow trying to make up for Lisbon's absence.

He noticed her quickly; her bright scarlet hair gave her away. He headed towards her with a cup of coffee in his hands for her. He put on a bright smile. "Good morning, Grace!" he greeted a bit too sugary. "How are you this morning?"

She took the offered cup from his hands, but stared at him oddly. Jane had a feeling that she was waiting for what was going on. When he didn't respond, she seemed to want to say something, but then didn't. He just waited and kept the bright smile firmly in place. It was a façade that had to be believed.

"Morning," she finally muttered. "Thanks. I'm...okay. How about you?"

"Slept really well, must have been that migraine. It just knocked me out and I feel right as rain this morning," he told her, still the over sugary tone firmly in place.

"Are you feeling alright?" Grace asked, her head slightly tilted to the side.

"Sure! Why wouldn't I?" he asked. He picked up his teacup from the counter and then headed past her.

He knew that that would confuse her, but she was going to be the one who wouldn't let it go. Grace Van Pelt was a smart woman. His simple trick wasn't going to fool her so easily. It would take a bit more to throw her off of what he was doing. Otherwise, she'd eventually figure it out.

Heels clicked behind him. Jane smiled a bit brighter; it even reached past his eyes. Around his eyes already were wrinkled. He wished that he was sincere internally, to be so happy would really feel good, but it was all a sham.

"You haven't been like this for weeks."

She was right, of course. He didn't turn to her, but knew that she was still following and she was most likely determined to figure out what was going on. Of course, he could tell her the truth. That he was only doing this in order to find Lisbon. Play nice with the team in order to keep from getting kicked off. Jane wasn't sure if Van Pelt would side with him for his reasons or if she'd keep pestering him. Even if he went insanely far, to the point of telling Grace Van Pelt that he – Patrick Jane – loved Theresa Lisbon and only wanted her safe return, he doubted that she'd still allow it. There was also the fact that she'd let it slip to at least Rigsby.

"I'm having a good day," he told her.

"What's really going on?"

She wasn't going to let it go. In that way, she was a lot like Lisbon. Jane waited until he sat down in his couch. He sipped his tea and then looked up at her. He let his façade drop. His lips went from extremely upturned to droopy. "How am I going to keep you from following me, Grace?"

"Why are you acting this way?"

It was a simple question. He had a simple answer. He just didn't want to give it. What would she say? What would she say to Rigsby and Cho? Where would it leave him? Where would it leave Lisbon? There was so much on the line.

"I thought that it might be nice for me to stop moping around, but I guess I was wrong," he said and relaxed back into the couch. He tried to act like she'd busted his bubble. "I really want to help out. I just...I guess I really miss Lisbon." Jane made sure to put on his sad tone. The one he hoped that he could guilt Grace into dropping the subject with.

"Lisbon is—well, I'm honestly not sure what to believe."

She sat next to him. Jane stared down at the floor and occasionally sipped his tea. "She's alive. I believe in that."

"How can you be so sure? The forensic people said that there was enough blood that it's possible that she's dead."

She sounded very cold, but Jane knew that she really wasn't. It was probably all Van Pelt could do in order to keep going. To think of Lisbon's case as if it were any other that they came into contact with. Jane couldn't do that.

"She's alive, Grace."

.......................................

**En Route to Crime Scene**

Thus far, Van Pelt had been the only one to challenge his new happier attitude. Though, outing himself in a way to her had given himself the chance to lighten up in the ride over to the crime scene. Cho had just seemed confused; Jane wasn't sure whether it was just the extreme change or if he'd been prepared to send him on vacation.

"How do you know?"

"Hmm?" Jane asked. He'd been staring out the window, pretty much zoning himself out. It helped with the miserable feeling he felt inside.

"How do you know she's still alive?" Van Pelt questioned.

His faith in what he knew about Red John apparently surprised Van Pelt. He knew Red John a bit too well. Especially since Lisbon's disappearance directly affected him. Red John wanted him to suffer. "I know she's alive because her being alive benefits Red John's continual torture of me. It's a punishment."

"It's been two weeks, Jane."

He knew what she was thinking. Law enforcement had a mindset that the sooner you found someone, the more likely they were still alive. Anything that went past seventy-two hours, it was normally most likely that the person was dead. Lisbon had been gone for two weeks and two days. They'd gone far over that limit.

"I don't know if he's holding her or what, but I know she's alive and Red John is doing this to punish me."

"Why Lisbon?" Van Pelt asked.

"Lisbon is probably the person I've become closest to here," Jane admitted. It was true after all; Grace didn't need to know that he also realized that he loved her. "No offense," he told her with a smile. He was close to Grace as well, but still he was closer to Lisbon. She knew things about him and he knew things about her. Grace Van Pelt was still very much a mystery to him.

"Well, I hope you're right."

"I am," he told her. His voice wasn't confident and almost arrogant, it was just calm and truthful.

.....................................

**CBI Headquarters**

"Want to get a bite to eat?" Rigsby asked.

"Not today," Jane responded. "Tired. I should go home and sleep."

"You have to eat."

"Grace," Jane said. Grace Van Pelt had remained quiet during the conversation. He had a feeling that she was waiting to see if he'd go. If he went, then she would. Then Van Pelt and Rigsby couldn't have it defined as a "date" in any way. "You go on without me, okay? Let me know if this place that Rigsby's been talking about all week."

"Oh-Al-right," Grace said.

He could tell that he'd caught her off guard, but it was good for her. Good for her and Rigsby. He smiled, this time part of it was a true smile. Maybe his meddling between the two of them would keep him distracted for the time being. It would also be a good deed, getting them together was something that was overdue.

"Great, then it's settled," Jane announced.

"Before you leave—"

The voice caught Jane off guard. He turned and saw Lisbon's boss, Minelli standing there with Cho. His heart dropped, it felt like it had fallen into one of his ankles and was weighting him down. He tried to keep the smile in place. This was bad. Something was wrong. Minelli continued to talk.

"As you know, there have been no further leads on Agent Lisbon."

They were giving up.

"With so much time that has passed, it will be nearly impossible for us to locate her until a clue of some kind arises. We've decided to classify her as MIA for the time being"

MIA: Missing In Action.

It felt like he'd been hit by a truck. The air had been knocked from his chest. His smile melted away. Lisbon. He had stayed with the team in order to locate her. Did this mean that they weren't going to even continue to look for her?

"But if she's still out there—" Jane said, but was cut off.

"I understand your concern, Mr. Jane," Minelli said.

"I don't think you do."

"We've done everything we can at this time."

He wanted to tell him that he hadn't, but he had a feeling that it wouldn't help him in any way. He needed to stay with CBI in order to find Lisbon. "What if she's hurt?" he asked.

The idea had come to him. If Lisbon had lost that much blood, then it was possible that she was in a hospital somewhere...that she'd undergone surgery and possible fallen into a coma. It would explain not finding her and Lisbon not contacting them. He doubted that Red John was just keeping her in a room, which would take too much up keep for him to see to personally.

"We've distributed missing person flyers to all hospitals in the state along with the surrounding states. We've also distributed them to other medical facilities in case Red John used a doctor from a clinic or other medical practice." Minelli looked suddenly like he felt. "We've also ensured delivery to all law enforcement agencies and morgues. Just in case."

Just in case.

They were giving up. No matter what Minelli said, Jane knew that he was giving up. Minelli and the CBI were giving up on Agent Theresa Lisbon. He thought that not only was it sad, but it was pathetic. One of their own had been taken and they were just standing around doing nothing in order to recover her. The CBI needed to invent in more skilled agents, Jane knew that one of their best was missing right now.

.................................

**Jane Residence**

Missing...

Jane thought that they only added the "in action" part at the end in order to make her seem like more of a hero. Lisbon was a hero, but she wasn't a hero by way of dying by the hands of Red John. She was missing because they weren't looking hard enough for her.

Missing...

It was just a word to use because obviously they hadn't the heart to just declare her dead. It was fancy and political. Jane was sure that Minelli would be informing Lisbon's brothers, though he wasn't sure how he felt about that. Missing in action was such a limbo-like term rather than just saying "dead," at least people could come back from the dead. People would be overjoyed with someone returning. But their limbo term just left people in a state of limbo.

He was tempted to break from CBI and try to track down Red John on his own, but he didn't think that he'd get far. Red John had survived this long without being caught. He was sure that he would continue and without the resources of the CBI, he wouldn't get as far as he would sticking with the team.

Jane made his way up the steps in his house and towards his bedroom. He let his hand rest in the pocket where he'd stashed Lisbon's cross. He hadn't mentioned it at work. He hadn't wanted his house to become a crime scene...again. After all, he doubted anyone would understand why Red John's trademark had been left in his bedroom above his bed for so long.

Lisbon.

This was a way to keep a piece of her with him. There was also the fact that they would confiscate it. It would be bagged, tagged, and locked up somewhere. He wanted to have it, so that when they finally found her he could return it.

Making his way to the bed on the floor, he dropped down and raised a hand to his head; the other remained in the pocket with the cross. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to keep up the farce he'd been putting on all day for another day, another week, another month, another year... He hated to think that Lisbon would be missing another day, but he was sure that Red John would take full advantage of Lisbon's connection to him.

He just had to hold on.

.............................

TBC...


	4. Liz

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 4 – "Liz"**

**Author's Note: **Okay, so I figured out a few of my own mistakes. Lisbon's cross is gold, not silver, though the color seems to change with the lighting. And I am spelling her first name incorrectly. It should be Teresa instead of Theresa. This is what I get for looking through photos. Anyways, I shall fix.

On another note: I was wondering if anyone knew which episode I am looking for? I feel so silly because I swear I've looked at all the sites with info on the episodes and pictures and haven't found it. Lisbon is with the mad guy and she's on the phone with Jane. She ends up using Jane on the phone

............................

"_I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all." – Richard Wright_

**CBI Headquarters**

Two weeks on top of two weeks.

Four weeks.

One month.

A month that was just filled with day after day of hell. He still wasn't sure how he'd gotten through the past two weeks. He'd stuck close to Van Pelt and Rigsby. Between trying to get them together and drinking tea while they drank coffee...somehow he'd gotten through it all.

"They found her!"

The three sweetest words he'd heard in a month. His head immediately snapped up and he stared at Grace Van Pelt. This was no joke. Her face conveyed joy. He got to his feet quickly and pulled on his jacket without a second thought.

Lisbon.

Lisbon was alive!

He hadn't even questioned it; he had been able to tell from the look on Van Pelt's face. His soul started to warm a bit. A true smile spread across his face. This was the day he'd been waiting so long for. And Jane promised himself that he'd tell her. He'd tell Teresa Lisbon he loved her.

He loved her.

"Where is she?" Jane asked next.

"San Francisco."

"We can get there in an hour," Jane said excitedly.

"My GPS said closer to an hour and a half and that doesn't include traffic."

"Don't we have lights on the vehicles?"

"Normally I would say that that would be a misuse of the lights, but," Van Pelt said. "I say we use them. The final say is up to Cho, though."

They'd have to take two vehicles anyway. It would be like a convoy. He beamed and followed her to where Cho and Rigsby were. He waited for her to bring up the lights. Of course, he'd suggest lights and sirens, but he knew that was going overboard. The lights and sirens were only reserved for extreme emergency. He was just hoping that the lights would help them get there that much faster.

"Lights only," Cho said.

"Good man!" Jane said quickly and patted his arm. "Two vehicles?"

"Two vehicles," Rigsby said. "There's no way I can be in the same vehicle with you and your glowing."

He could feel that he was glowing too. He was overjoyed and overwhelmed by this excitement. Lisbon was alive! They'd found her! He felt like he could scream it from the rooftops! Though he had a feeling that it would only get him left behind and possibly put on a psych hold in a hospital.

Van Pelt would try to lobby in his defense, but the guys (though they were good guys) would think that he'd just had a mental breakdown and had completely lost it. Maybe he had. Maybe he'd completely lost it just from the words Van Pelt had uttered, "They found her!" What sweet words. Beautiful and completely simple and meaningless to those who didn't mourn the loss of Teresa Lisbon.

We're coming, Lisbon.

............................

**En Route to San Francisco**

"Where exactly is she?" Jane finally asked. It had been something that he'd thought of, but he just hadn't asked it until just now.

"She's in a rehabilitation center," Van Pelt said. "That's all I know. It's some kind of non-profit."

"Well if she's in rehabilitation, then she had to have been in a hospital before," Jane reasoned. "Right?"

"Right," she responded with a nod.

"I thought Minelli said that he sent out the missing flyers to all hospitals."

"Jane, think about how many people live in the state of California. I doubt they have a person on staff just to walk around with missing persons' flyers checking each room to see if there's a match."

"They might want to invest in one," Jane commented.

She laughed. At least he wasn't the only one who's spirits had truly brightened and bloomed. It felt like nothing had happened. Like Lisbon hadn't been taken by Red John. It almost felt safe in a way.

"Are you going to tell her?"

Van Pelt's odd question caught him off guard and by surprise. He turned and stared at her for a moment before speaking up. "What are you talking about?" Jane asked.

"About how you feel about her."

She just blurted it out like it was the most matter of fact thing in the world. He didn't think it was obvious. After all, he hadn't realized it too long before. He hadn't thought he'd even been remotely obvious. He was pretty sure that he'd focused mainly on being absolutely miserable for half of it and then had put on a façade of happiness after that.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Jane responded after a moment of contemplation. After all, there was no reason to really discuss it with Van Pelt. There was so much to consider. He wasn't sure that he could even be in a relationship. He could tell Lisbon that he loved her, but what would it matter if he wasn't ready to be in a romantic relationship with her? He knew that there had to be a place in his heart to love her, but he wasn't sure that he could handle coping with Lisbon. After the death of his wife and child, how could he bear anymore?

"Liar," Van Pelt challenged.

"What does it matter?"

"It matters."

Jane just stared at her before turning to look out his window. The rest of the trip was going to be a long one. He didn't think that there should be any talking about a relationship, especially when he didn't know if she even would return his feelings.

"It doesn't," Jane argued. "The only thing that matters is that Lisbon is alive and that we're taking her home."

"It does matter, Jane."

"Believe me, it doesn't."

"Why do you say that?"

"I think the best reason why it doesn't matter is because of Red John," he brought up. "Lisbon would be dead if we were in a relationship. The only reason she's alive is because she's the one I'm closest to and it's much better to let me suffer and live through all the pain rather than for Red John just to kill me himself. He's a coward."

"I hate when you talk like that."

"So does Lisbon."

................................

**A Better Tomorrow Rehabilitation Center**

From the outside, it just looked like every other building on the block. It looked much like the homes that surrounded it. There was a modest sign in the front yard, but nothing that brought much attention to the place. The name on the sign also didn't help. A Better Tomorrow Rehabilitation Center. A better tomorrow could refer to anything since once physical therapy is finished, Jane was sure that the patient would have a better tomorrow in being able to be more self sufficient and be able to leave the center.

The lawn and general landscape was beautifully done. There were flowers of all shapes, colors, and sizes that sprung up neatly in the planter beds. There were a few trees that had been planted not too long before. They were held up by stakes in order to keep the trees that were barely taller than an average person up straight. The trees were filled with beautiful blue-purple flowers that almost appeared to be butterflies among the green leaves.

"What kind of place is this?" Jane asked once everyone was out of their vehicle.

"A rehabilitation center," Rigsby spoke up and pointed to the sign.

"Helpful."

He noticed Rigsby's shrug and buttoned up his jacket. "Are we being expected at least?" he asked and looked to Cho this time for the answer.

"Minelli said that we're meeting a woman named Rose. She's the one who reported that Lisbon was here," Cho told him. "She's supposed to be expecting us."

"Maybe not so quickly, though," Van Pelt told them. "We did make record time getting here."

It was true, but who could really blame them? They were excited to not only find out that their friend and boss was alive. They just all wanted her back. Jane had a feeling that Cho was just tired of watching him. He knew he could be a handful, though Lisbon seemed to not mind so much or maybe she did and he just hadn't noticed.

"Well, why don't we head up the walk?" Jane suggested. "Or are we going to wait until one of the neighbors alerts the local police that people in dark SUVs are stalking the rehabilitation center?"

"Good point," Cho muttered.

Jane smirked and followed his lead. Inside he just wanted to run up to the door and be directed to Lisbon, but he'd waited this long...what were five more minutes? He could wait, even if it almost felt painful. The fact that they were on the same property as Teresa Lisbon made him feel a bit at ease.

When they got to the door, a woman was there waiting with a smile. "Hello, you must be with the CBI. I'm Rose, I've been expecting you."

The woman was a bit smaller than the average height. She smiling brightly and her pale skin glowed against her bright red hair. Her green eyes conveyed the smile as true. Jane wasn't sure what to think of her. She wasn't in medical scrubs or office attire. Her clothes were very casual. Just jeans and a t-shirt.

Jane didn't miss the fact that Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt all showed their badges and then Cho introduced them all. He didn't understand why, though. It wasn't like the woman was a suspect. Their goal should be a simple one: get Lisbon and leave. No one needed to make friends.

"Let me show you to my office," she said and gestured for them to follow her once they were inside.

The inside of the rehabilitation center was not what Jane had expected. He had expected it to be sterile and hospital-like inside, but instead it was warm and homey. It just looked like a home. He turned to look towards Cho, who hadn't argued yet. "I thought we were seeing Lisbon."

"First I'd like to speak with you about her condition," Rose told them.

"She's okay, right?" Van Pelt asked.

He'd been about to ask the same thing, but she'd beat him to it. Rehabilitation centers were there for people to improve their condition, that meant something, didn't it? Jane felt the slight weight that had lifted from him weigh back down on him. Before the woman could answer they were already in the woman's office. Jane looked around and tried to get clues.

His mind focused on books on the shelves behind her desk and along the wall to their right. He could read some of the titles from where he stood, but the books to the right had no lettering, instead they had bumps. Braille. The woman hadn't seen blind to him, though he was sure that people who had lived blind would be able to pull it off better as acting completely normal. Like the woman who knew Red John had been.

"Are you blind?" Jane said. His eyes still staring at the Braille books.

"No," Rose responded as she sat down behind her desk. "My husband was though. Those are his books. I do know how to read Braille though."

"What kind of rehabilitation center do you run here?"

"It's one for physical therapy...of sorts," Rose said and motioned for them to sit. When no one sat, she continued. "Your friend, your flyer calls her Teresa Lisbon—"

"Because it's her name."

"Jane!" Van Pelt scolded in a whisper.

"It's quite alright," Rose said. "Apparently you don't know what's happened."

"Please explain," Cho spoke up.

Rose smiled towards them. "Your friend was found walking along the side of a highway and almost into traffic. She didn't remember who she was and though the doctors don't understand what is causing it, I'm afraid that she can't see currently. She was listed as a Jane Doe in the hospital. I work with the local hospital with these types of cases, though they are somewhat rare. I help the individual assimilate into this new lifestyle and help them find a job and an apartment."

"Lisbon is blind?" Rigsby blurted out.

"She doesn't remember that she's Teresa Lisbon. She remembered Liz. So, that's what we've been calling her." Rose pulled the missing persons flyer from under a file on her desk. "I'm afraid we've had some problems with our fax machine and we just got this the other day. I haven't talked to her about this, though. She's been having a lot of problems adjusting."

"But she's okay, besides the blindness?" Jane asked. He'd been deemed temporarily blind, but he'd worked through it.

Rose frowned. "When she was found, she was covered in blood. I guess whoever slit her side open had tried to stitch her back up. It had become infected, so the hospital had her for several days before she came here. Most people adjust quicker than your Lisbon."

"She must know that she's not supposed to be blind."

"No one's_ supposed_ to be blind," Rose argued.

"Can we see her please?" Van Pelt asked after a moment of silence blanketed the room.

Rose got up from her seat. "I warn you that she's stubborn and quite difficult."

"Like we didn't already know that," Rigsby mumbled.

"Well, we'll explain things," Jane said. "Hopefully she'll believe us. That or like us better. And then we intend to take her back with us." He could tell from the woman's sudden stop and then her quick to continue to walking action that she didn't like what he was saying. "After all, that's where she belongs."

"She's not ready to be out in the world," Rose said. "Someone is going to have to assist her."

"I was temporarily blind for a while. I had people make me tea, though they didn't make it quite right," Jane told her.

"She needs to be self dependent, Mr. Jane," Rose argued.

Jane didn't agree. He didn't think that Lisbon agreed either. He had a feeling that her response would be that she needed her sight back. It would be his if he were in her situation. After all, it had to suck to not only have amnesia, but also to be blind. He thought that it would be easier to recall things and people from sight triggers. Lisbon was basically screwed for any recall except for emotional, touch, and smell recall.

"She needs to be with people who know her."

Rose didn't speak again, but led them to the room that was labeled "Liz" on the outside. It didn't seem right, though Jane told himself that it was something that she remembered something. After all, Liz was close enough to Lisbon.

"Please," Rose said. "Try not to upset her."

"We'll try," Rigsby told her with a smile.

Jane, however, knew that it was going to be pretty impossible to do so. Lisbon was not a stupid person and she wasn't going to just trust them because they said who they were. She wouldn't just fall for their story like that. She needed to remember something. She needed to remember them.

Rose opened the door for them. Inside, Lisbon was sitting at the window just staring. Jane thought that she was trying to do what he had been when he'd removed his bandages. Willing herself to see the world that she knew she would see. He found himself unable to move as he wanted to. He wanted to push past the woman and hurry in, to hug Lisbon, to drag her out, and to throw her in the vehicle waiting outside. He couldn't move.

"Liz, I have some visitors," Rose announced. "They're here to talk to you about who you are. If you need anything. You call. I mean anything."

Lisbon turned towards them with a frown. "I don't see how learning about my identity could cause the need for me to call you. I doubt that they're going to tie me up and drag me off."

"We hadn't planned on it," Cho spoke up.

"We were sort of hoping you'd come of your own free will," Van Pelt spoke up.

"Come in," Lisbon said.

Jane noticed that there was a cane in the room, but that she kept it far away. He had a feeling that she was stubborn enough to not want to use it. She sat there. Staring. Waiting. "Hello," Jane spoke up and stepped inside. He waited until everyone was inside before closing the door. He didn't need Rose eavesdropping.

"Don't want her to overhear our conversation?"

"She's nosey."

"I think she thinks that's her job here," Lisbon responded.

Jane smiled in response. "She probably does."

"Rose said that you think your name is Liz," Van Pelt spoke up.

Lisbon tilted her head slightly to the side. "It's the only thing I could remember. I figured if I was wrong, it was still better than being called "Jane Doe." That just sounds utterly pathetic."

"Your name is Teresa Lisbon," Van Pelt said. "You're a CBI agent."

"California Bureau of Investigation," Lisbon said.

"That's right," Rigsby said. "You're our boss, actually."

"Miss me?" she teased.

Jane knew that she was in there. She looked like Lisbon, except for the vacant look in her eyes. She sounded like Lisbon. She was in there. She was slowly remembering. "I did," Jane admitted.

"Do I get to know your names?"

"Cho."

"Cho?" Lisbon questioned. "Is that like Cher?"

"Kimball Cho," he corrected.

"Wayne Rigsby."

Lisbon nodded in acknowledgement.

"Grace Van Pelt."

Lisbon nodded again.

"Patrick Jane."

Lisbon didn't nod this time, but frown.

"Is there a problem?" Jane asked.

"The other names were familiar. I remember...Rigsby kissed Van Pelt, though I don't know why..."

"They love each other," Jane said and then shrugged. He ignored the glares that were sent his way. He didn't care. It didn't matter right now. Plus, he had been telling the truth. What harm was it in telling the truth?

"Have we worked together long?" Lisbon questioned.

Jane frowned. "I've worked with you longer than Grace has."

"Maybe you're just not that memorable?"

"Please tell me that you're just pulling his chain, Boss," Rigsby said.

Maybe Rigsby was right, maybe Lisbon remembered and she was just messing with them. It would make sense. Pay them back for not showing up sooner. Plus, messing with them had to be fun especially in her current position.

"I'm not," Lisbon admitted.

"Jane is always doing things," Cho spoke up. "Going against your orders. Sometimes getting us to help him with it as well. Though, of course it's only in pursuit of justice in order to catch killers."

"Of course."

"You're always upset with me and telling me how I'm making your life difficult," Jane added. "You're supposed to be keeping me in line. You're supposed to keep me from killing Red John when we finally find him. You want to bring him to justice, well your way. I saved you from getting shot not too long ago." He hoped that something would bring up a memory, even if it was just familiarity.

"I'm sorry," Lisbon responded. "I just don't remember."

A short knock came at the door before it was opened. A man opened the door. "Liz, I've been waiting for you. We're supposed to work on your reading."

Lisbon was silent.

"I don't think she's going to need your help," Jane spoke up when she didn't. "She's going home."

"I am?" Lisbon asked.

"Well, you could stay here if you like," Rigsby said. "We just assumed you'd _want_ to come home."

"We have missed you," Van Pelt added.

"You keep Jane in line better than I do," Cho admitted.

"I don't even _remember_," Lisbon responded.

Jane frowned. He didn't want to leave her there. They'd just found her and now they'd lost her again. He didn't have any doubts on her memory and sight both returning, though he still wasn't pleased with the fact that she thought the others were familiar, but not him. Jane would have thought that he would have made a lasting impression on her.

"Andrew, I think I am going to go with them," Lisbon responded. Carefully, she got to her feet and felt around to get her bearings.

It was then that Jane noticed that the man she called Andrew was also blind. He'd been standing quietly at the door, just listening. But now he seemed frustrated and almost confused. He also noticed that there was some anger in his presence.

"You don't even know them and you're going with them?" Andrew asked.

The anger was even more apparent now. Jane studied him. There was something curious about the man. He almost seemed protective of Lisbon.

Lisbon shrugged. "Better than being here."

"You just need more time," Andrew told her.

"I need to be somewhere where I'm not treated like I'm never going to see again."

"You may not."

"The doctors said that it was temporary as far as they could tell."

"It's been a month, Liz."

"That's not my name," Lisbon told him.

"You said it was."

"My name is Teresa Lisbon," she told him and started to walk towards Cho and Rigsby.

Jane wanted to guide her but stayed in place. He watched as Rigsby reached out for her and took her arm. He was jealous. He wanted to be the one helping Lisbon. He wanted that simple contact with her. Jane knew that there would be time. She'd remember him. It wasn't like she'd decided to stay behind there. Lisbon was coming with them, but he was still jealous.

"You remembered?" Andrew questioned.

"No, they told me."

"And you just believe them? That's a lot of trust."

"They're with the CBI, Andrew. Rose brought them here. I highly doubt they're lying," Lisbon said as she took Rigsby's arm. "Plus, they're familiar...almost all."

Almost all.

Not him.

He'd been desperately trying to keep himself together for the last month because of her disappearance and she didn't remember him. He wanted to blame Red John for some kind of brainwashing, though he didn't think that he was that advanced in his skill set. He had a feeling that it was just an after affect of her kidnapping. Something that she'd sustained during transport.

"Familiar doesn't mean anything," Andrew challenged. "You shouldn't just up and go with them. They could be lying. They may not even be CBI."

"So, go ask Rose if she saw their badges," Lisbon told him.

Andrew left and Jane looked towards Rigsby. "Let's go before he comes back."

"He'll be at the front door before we can make it through," Lisbon informed them.

"You want to go, right, Boss?" Cho asked.

Jane was sure that Cho felt some kind of chivalrous intention come over him along with just not wanting to flat out kidnap her. She'd said she'd wanted to go with them, but asking again wouldn't hurt...unless she said no. Jane wouldn't leave her there. He didn't care. She was going with them.

"As much fun as three meals a day is with all the amenities and being instructed on how to live with blindness is...I think I'll pass," Lisbon told him. "At the very least, I'm hoping to remember a bit more."

That was his Lisbon.

Rigsby started to escort her out of the room and Van Pelt and Cho followed. Jane stared around at the room she'd been in. It was simple and Jane was suddenly thankful that she'd been lucky enough to be taken in here. He didn't know if they would have ever found her if she'd just been released. Would she be on the streets? Would she be alive? San Francisco could be a dangerous place, especially for a blind woman with no memory.

He was the last one; it was something for him to keep distance from Lisbon. He felt the need. He didn't want to spook her. He's push her once they were in the car, if she was driving with him and Van Pelt or when they got her back to CBI. No here. There was a chance she'd stay if he did it there. Jane wouldn't risk it.

Lisbon had been right; Andrew and Rose were both waiting by the time they got to the front door. He wanted to take Andrew by his shoulders and shake him. Obviously something was wrong with him; they were there to help Lisbon. They were there to take her home, to take care of her. He'd think that anyone would appreciate it. He hoped Lisbon appreciated it.

"I'm not going to stop you," Rose announced. "I just needed to hear it from Li—Teresa that she was leaving."

"I'm going with them," Lisbon confirmed. "I do appreciate all you've done for me, though. Really, I do."

Rose stepped forward and hugged Lisbon briefly. Jane felt that Rose truly cared for all the members of the home that she helped. When Andrew stepped forward, he wrapped his arms around Lisbon, though she didn't seem too thrilled. He lingered too long. When Andrew did pull back, his hand slid down her arm and he stayed there for a while.

"I'm going to miss you, Liz," he told her.

"Teresa," Lisbon corrected.

"I'll always remember you as Liz."

"Oh-kay," she said slowly and then turned back to Rigsby.

He loved her. Andrew loved Lisbon. Jealousy. It wasn't logical though. Lisbon obviously didn't return Andrew's feelings, but it still coursed through Jane. He wished he could just deck Andrew right there and then, but he thought that if Lisbon didn't say it, Van Pelt would. It would be inappropriate. Jane didn't know why he hadn't seen it earlier. Perhaps it was because without the eye contact, it was harder to gage unless there was physical contact made.

They started out the door and Jane followed. He stopped at Rose and reached out to shake her hand. "I really appreciate all you've done for Lisbon," Jane told her sincerely.

"I'm glad you found her. Take good care of her."

"I will," he promised. He looked over at Andrew before following the others out. He had Lisbon and he wasn't going to let her out of his sight now. No one would touch her. She'd be safe.

...................................

**En Route to CBI**

Though at first, Cho had said that Lisbon was riding back with him and Rigsby, Van Pelt had convinced them to let Lisbon drive back with them. Jane had been a bit surprised; after all, he hadn't even requested it. Van Pelt had asked on her on accord. He hadn't argued with the idea of it, though.

She'd asked to sit in the back; Lisbon had said she was tired. Before they'd even reached the halfway point, she'd fallen asleep. Jane felt bad; she was tethered in the seat belt in an awkward upright position.

"Stop, Grace," Jane said.

"Why?" she asked looking over at him.

"I'm just going to move Lisbon, so she doesn't wake up with her neck all stuck in that position," he told her.

Van Pelt sighed. The vehicle was pulled off to the side of the freeway and she sat there. Jane gave her a smile and then got out. He walked around to the back. He could hear Van Pelt calling out to him, probably wanting to know what he was doing.

"I'm getting the blanket and pillow from back here!" he called.

The blanket and pillow had been put back there by him. He pulled it from the trunk space and then headed around to the driver's side. He opened the door behind where Van Pelt sat and pressed the first seat belt bucket so that it was between the two seat pieces, hiding it a bit. He adjusted the middle one, so that the seat belt was a bit longer and then carefully unbuckled Lisbon.

He moved her, so that her head was on the pillow placed on the seat behind Van Pelt. He buckled her using the middle seat buckle, just in case. Jane closed the door and then walked back to the passenger side. He opened the back door there and covered her with the blanket. He hoped that at least she was sleeping well.

Once he was done, he got back into his seat and pulled the door shut. "Thank you," he said and then looked over at Van Pelt.

"You should tell her, Jane."

"She doesn't even remember me, Van Pelt," Jane told her. "I'm not even familiar."

"Maybe you're not being annoying enough yet," she commented.

"Maybe."

Van Pelt pulled the vehicle back onto the freeway and headed towards CBI. Jane sighed and looked out the window. All this time Lisbon had been only an hour away. The important thing, though, was that she was okay.

"She'll remember you, Jane," Van Pelt told him. "It's just going to take some time."

"We may want to take her to the hospital to have her checked over," Jane suggested.

"They already had her at the hospital there," Van Pelt reminded him. "They said that her blindness and amnesia were both temporary."

"It's been a month."

"So, we'll take her tomorrow."

"Okay."

"You going to be okay?"

"Yeah."

"You're reverting into Jane depression mode," she told him with concern.

"It's just been a long day."

She didn't remember him. He wasn't familiar. But Lisbon was going home.

...............................

TBC....


	5. A Simple Remembrance

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 5 – "A Simple Remembrance"**

**Author's Note: **Thanks to those who gave me the episode title! I really appreciate it! : )

............................

_"__Memories__ are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely." – Becky Aligada_

**CBI Headquarters**

One month. Three days.

It was like she hadn't been found. Lisbon had been brought back to Sacramento, but he'd yet to see her since the car ride back, which had been uneventful. Van Pelt had been staying with her and had made sure she was checked out the day after they got back. Apparently, she checked out okay, but they were still waiting on the blood work results.

At the very least, Van Pelt was keeping him up to date. He still felt like she was gone. He hadn't thought that it would be this hard...to still be at a distance. Of course, he hadn't expected this. It felt almost as if she had been found dead. She was dead to him...or was he dead to her? If someone didn't remember you, would they feel your death?

Jane knew that he shouldn't dwell on it. It wasn't her fault. There was no helping it. What had been done was done.

He stared up at the ceiling tiles and wondered if you could die from too much staring or too much studying of such things. He was starting to wish it. At least with him gone, Lisbon would be safe from Red John; there would be no other reason to pursue her if she was gone.

"Are you going to lie there all day again?"

The voice belonged to Rigsby and Jane rolled his head so that the man came into view. "It's possible."

"She's going to remember," Rigsby told him. "Van Pelt said that she's remembering a bit more every day."

"That's only because she remembers Grace...and she remembers you and Cho."

"Not like we know how she could have forgotten you," Rigsby told him. "I would have bet on her remembering you before the rest of us." He thrust his hands into the pockets of his pants. "It probably has something to do with the head injury she had sustained."

"Yeah," Jane said and sat up in his seat. "The head injury that she must have incurred upon deciding that I was useful here."

"Don't be like that."

"Look, I don't need you to take over Grace's job of trying to make me feel better," Jane told him shortly and then got to his feet. "Let me suffer. It's why I'm still alive." He moved past Rigsby and made his way towards the elevator. He was done. Done for the day...maybe longer.

He pressed the elevator's call button and then waited. He stared down at the floor as he waited. When the doors opened, he started in and ended up bumping into people trying to get out. His head snapped up and he stared a bit as he stepped around them and into the elevator.

"Where are you going?" Van Pelt asked.

"Who is it?" Lisbon asked immediately.

"No one," Jane responded to Lisbon quickly. He turned to Van Pelt. "And I'm going home. Nothing exciting happening today."

He didn't miss Van Pelt's look, but he didn't know what she expected out of him. He truly was happy that Lisbon was safe and with them, but he couldn't be ecstatic about her being at CBI at the moment. It seemed like she was remembering everything, but him. Jane did notice that Lisbon seemed to be getting around better and even her color seemed better. For that, he was happy.

Before the elevator door could close, he found Lisbon trying to get back into the elevator. "You're going the wrong way," Jane informed her and watched as Van Pelt tried to retrieve her.

"I just need a minute with Mr. Jane," Lisbon told her as she pushed off her arm. "I promise I won't get off the elevator."

Jane frowned and then shrugged at Van Pelt. "I promise not to let her off. Can't have her following me into traffic," he tried to joke. He didn't get a smile from Van Pelt.

He doors started to close again and he stared at Lisbon. "You have me for more like twenty seconds, Agent Lisbon." He found himself being groped by Lisbon as she tried to locate him in the elevator.

"I can't imagine putting up with your crap every day, but Van Pelt assures me that I do," Lisbon told him. "Now, I may not remember you yet—"

"Do you know who Minelli is?"

"My boss."

Jane's hands went up in the air. "I'm way more exciting than all of them, especially Minelli and you remember him...great..."

"It's not like I chose this!" she shouted at him.

His face softened and then hardened into a frown. "No, no you didn't. This is my fault..." he said a bit sadly. Taking her hands and moving it off of him, he let them rest at her sides. "Red John went after you because you got to close to me. I'm not going to let him hurt you anymore."

"I remember Red John."

Her voice had been quiet and it had been deflected because she'd looked downward when she'd said it. Lisbon looked back up now though, waiting. Jane stared at her and then pulled the emergency stop. He knew they were close to the first floor where he had intended exiting. "What do you remember?" Jane asked. Her statement could mean a million things to him, to the investigation, to her own safety... Jane had to know, even if it didn't really matter. If she just remembered the name, it was still something.

"I'm not really sure what goes together," she admitted. "It's been a blur," she tried to explain while motioning to her head.

"I understand..." he told her, though he more understood the blindness she was experiencing. His life had been a blur at one point. An angry hateful blur and in some ways it still was. Jane was angry for the death of his wife, for the death of his child, and for Lisbon...though she was still alive, time had been stolen from her. He just hoped that her vision and memory would return and wouldn't fall victim to him as well.

"What he's done to people..." Lisbon said and then was quiet for a minute. "I remember a woman...cut up...her toenails painted in her own blood."

Jane stared at her. She was right, the details were right. She'd remembered. Did she remember his wife's murder or the twin's? Jane wasn't sure, he thought about pushing for further details, but decided against it. He really didn't want to bring up only ugly and violent memories. He'd rather she remembered him.

"You're quiet," she said, she released her grip on him. Lisbon took a step back. "You're upset because I don't remember you."

"My ego is a bit bruised," Jane told her. And it was. Of anyone to forget, him? He still didn't understand it. "But I wouldn't say upset... I know I shouldn't be upset with you. The amnesia and the blindness isn't your fault." He kept his voice low, gentle, calm. He didn't want to freak her out or piss her off.

"You're...difficult for me to figure out," Lisbon admitted.

"Excuse me?"

"How well we knew each other..." she tried to explain.

He watched her for a moment. He wasn't sure how she saw it. All he knew was how he saw things. Lisbon was a mystery to him, though he felt close to her. Mostly anyways. He didn't know things for sure, just what he suspected. Though, he didn't like to use his "talent" so much on the team, at least not in a serious way. Fun tricks was always allowed, it kept morale up.

"To me, you're the person I'm closest to at the moment. You call me on all my schemes and when I cross the lines you draw. You allow me some leeway, but you set your own limits. You choose life for me when I would have rather died," he admitted.

And she had. He'd wanted to die if that meant that she could have Red John. She hadn't allowed it. Jane could remember that very clearly...and he'd chosen her life over possible revenge. He'd killed a man that had the information he needed on Red John in order to save hers. He'd said before that he wanted to kill Red John and watch him suffer slowly, but he wasn't sure if he could actually do it. It was definitely an experience for which he didn't think you could ever be prepared for. To be responsible for a death. To be the bringer of it. Though, he didn't regret it. Lisbon was alive.

"Really?"

He smiled at her expression. It was classic. It made him feel warm inside. Lisbon was there. Somewhere. "Yes, and you were right. I was being selfish," he told her.

"So, you're just going to leave now?" Lisbon asked.

"That was the plan," he admitted.

"That's it? You're leaving because your ego is bruised because I don't remember you?"

Jane stared at her for a minute. He didn't know whether or not to take the bait and challenge what she was saying. He doubted she'd fall for "I have a migraine" or that he was just stepping out for lunch. "Today is just...difficult," he tried to say. He didn't want to make her feel bad; it was the last thing he wanted. He turned away from her. Jane faced the elevator doors and sucked in breath. This was harder than he had thought it was going to be.

"I'm sorry."

Her words were unexpected, yet sincere. "You don't have anything to be sorry for," he told her. Jane noticed that she was looking down, or at least her gaze was downward. Jane reached out and lifted her face. "I've missed you," he confided in her quietly.

"I know."

Those words made him wonder if she did remember, but Jane also knew that Van Pelt had been with her. There was a good chance that Grace had said a bit too much about his month of moping. He made a mental note to ask her about it when he saw her next.

"So?" she asked.

"So?" Jane asked her back. He didn't know what she was talking about. He hadn't asked a question or stated anything.

"Are you staying or are you going?"

It was a simple enough question. Though, he was never one for simple answers, especially when it came to Lisbon. He thrust his hands down into the pockets of his pants. He looked up and studied her. He had missed her. Before him stood Teresa Lisbon, the woman who had brought his world to a state of despair with her disappearance and her non-remembrance of him. Now, here she stood offering to know him again.

"I do have to get lunch," Jane told her with a smile. "I promise to return if you like."

"I have yet to eat," Lisbon told him.

Jane smiled wider. He liked the idea she was offering. It was forbidden, which made it all the more sweeter...and tempting... "I promised Van Pelt that I wouldn't let you leave the elevator."

"And I promised not to leave the elevator," she told him.

"I could pull the fire alarm. Then I would be irresponsible if I didn't lead you to the nearest exit," Jane suggested with a bright smile. He'd missed Lisbon, even if she still didn't remember him.

Her face suddenly got very serious. "That would be a felony," Lisbon pointed out. "And I'd have to arrest you."

Jane felt like laughing. At least her personality was intact. "Okay, so how about we just get out and then tell them that I lied to you..."

Lisbon's face softened and she smiled again. "I think that they'd believe."

"They would," Jane told her. He reached down and took her hand. "So? Let me cover?"

"Why do I think you pull this kind of thing all the time?" she asked.

Jane allowed the laugh to erupt from inside. He pressed the button, so that the elevator would continue down. It only took a moment before they were at the first floor. He held her hand and kept her close. Soon, his hand pulled from hers and wrapped around her shoulders. Jane figured that it was easier to keep her from bumping into things, namely people.

Stepping out of the elevator, they didn't get far before Jane stopped. He let out a sigh. Mission scrubbed. Waiting for them were Rigsby and Van Pelt. Jane figured that Van Pelt had talked Rigsby into joining her. He'd refer to Rigsby as a traitor, but the man was in love and men in love did things they wouldn't normally do for the woman they loved.

"I was just explaining to her how many steps it was out of the elevator," Jane tried to cover quickly upon seeing them. "I think it was nine," Jane said and then looked to Lisbon.

"Seven," she pretended to correct.

He could tell that Van Pelt didn't buy it, but he continued anyway. "Anyway, since you're both here, why don't we go out to lunch? We'll call Cho down."

"I am hungry," Lisbon offered.

"Jane, you promised not to take her out of the elevator," Van Pelt told him.

Jane shrugged. "I didn't until just now."

"You pulled the emergency stop," Rigsby pointed out.

"I did," Lisbon lied. "The twenty seconds it took from our floor to here wasn't nearly enough time for me to discuss things with Jane."

She'd dropped the mister. He didn't miss it. Although she claimed not to remember everything, she seemed to be remembering enough. Her personality was definitely the Teresa Lisbon he knew and loved. He waited to see if Van Pelt and Rigsby would buy it. He could see that neither were, but they remained silent. Maybe they feared Lisbon's reprimand or maybe they just didn't want to upset her.

"Cho already ate," was all Rigsby said.

"I'll call up and let him know," Van Pelt replied.

"Great!" Jane exclaimed with a bright smile. He didn't wait for Van Pelt to get off the phone; he just started to lead Lisbon out of the building and towards the vehicle.

Though their encounter in the elevator had been brief and not constructive in the way of remembering him, Jane still held out hope. Lisbon had seemed like she was nearly back, there were just some memories that she was missing. Now, he just had to wait until those memories resurfaced.

................................

TBC...


	6. In a Flash

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 6 – "In a Flash"**

**Author's Note: **WOO! 50 reviews on alone! Thanks! I'm glad everyone is enjoying this! Perhaps I may write another "The Mentalist" fic once this one is done.

............................

_"It's always darkest before the dawn" – Proverb_

**CBI Headquarters**

Another day.

A day with Lisbon.

She arrived with Van Pelt once again. Jane was waiting. He'd been expecting her. Though, he had wanted her to be there a bit earlier. He got up from his couch and hurried towards her. He had offered to stay with her, in order to give Van Pelt a break, but he'd been turned down.

"Calm down, Jane," Van Pelt said.

He stopped once his hand was on Lisbon's arm. "Good morning, Ladies," he greeted brightly. Jane had truthfully had a hard time sleeping; he'd been kept awake thinking about Lisbon. It wasn't just that she'd returned, but also what she'd endured. What secrets lay in her memories? Untapped.

"Someone's chipper this morning," Van Pelt commented.

"Maybe he wants something," Lisbon said.

"I want a lot of things, but they'll come in time if they're meant to be," Jane told her. "And plus, I would never take advantage of your current situation in order to gain something."

"You wouldn't would you?"

He could hear the amusement in her voice. He smiled in response. "Of course not. That would be wrong," Jane told her as he led her towards her office. Minelli had told her to take it easy, but that he didn't mind her being there. After all, they all hoped that it helped with her memory. It also made it easy to ensure that she made it to the doctors' appointments that had been made in order to keep an eye on both her memory and her eyes.

"At least not with you," Jane added after a moment.

"I wouldn't take him at his word," Cho warned.

"I'm hurt," Jane said as he clutched his heart as if he'd been wounded. Wounded by Cho's traitorous words. He gave him a smile just the same.

"Cho's right," Van Pelt spoke up. "Jane's not one that can be trusted all the time. Though, I don't think he'd take advantage of your current condition, at least not the blindness."

Jane thought that was interesting. He looked over to Van Pelt. "You'd think I'd take advantage of her memory?"

"If it came in handy."

"I'm going to agree with Van Pelt on this one," Rigsby spoke up.

Jane looked over at him, a smile still firmly planted on his face. "Traitor." He wasn't hurt, though. He didn't feel like anything could hurt him.

.............................

**En Route to Crime Scene**

"Are you sure you want to go?" Rigsby asked for about the tenth time.

"I'm sure," Lisbon responded. "I know I can't do anything, but maybe the sounds will jog my memory."

Jane was sitting in the backseat. For the first seven times Rigsby had asked her, he'd defended her quickly. Of course, he was a bit biased. He wanted Lisbon there. He wanted her there at all times. Letting her out of their sight was not an option and since Cho and Van Pelt were in the other vehicle, the only option as for her to go with them.

It didn't take long for them to arrive at the crime scene they'd been called out to. It wasn't far from CBI headquarters, which was fortunate. Jane didn't think he could put up with driving for that long, especially since he wanted to talk to Lisbon, though he'd prefer to do it in private. He didn't need Rigsby passing on anything he said to Van Pelt. Currently, Van Pelt was extremely protective of Lisbon. He had a feeling that she had some odd feeling of protectiveness in order to ensure that no one took advantage of her.

Jane got out of the vehicle about the same time as Rigsby. He watched as Lisbon swung her door open as well. He closed his door and then waited. He watched. Waited. He'd be there if she tripped or fell. He wasn't going to let her fall face first into the grass or sidewalk. But she surprised him. She closed the door and then felt for the curb with her toe. He noticed that she did this as subtly as possible. Lisbon kept her eyes straight ahead and then stepped up when she felt it.

Unexpected.

A gun shot rang out.

The crime scene should have been swept and deemed clear hours ago. Jane saw Rigsby moving towards Lisbon, but Jane already had her arm. His right hand was on her arm and his left was around her shoulders, so as to guide her as easily as possible. She already had her head down, and he lowered his as well. He guided her around the vehicle they'd just arrived in for safety.

The others: Cho, Van Pelt, and Rigsby were already on alert; they'd scrambled for cover behind the black vehicles as well. Their guns were out and they were obviously trying to figure out where the person was firing from and possibly their target. So far, Jane didn't think they'd hit either of the vehicles. He felt that that was a good sign.

At first he listened to the chatter between the team.

"Where are the locals?" Rigsby asked.

"Detective Jareld was supposed to be here to meet us," Cho responded.

"He could possibly be a victim of the shooter," Van Pelt suggested.

"We need to call for back up," Rigsby told them.

But then he tuned them out.

Turning to Lisbon, his arm was still around her and his hand still on her arm. She was frozen. They were crouching together, their backs up against the smooth exterior of the vehicle they'd arrived in. The shooting continued, but nothing had hit them still. Jane wanted to look, but knew that not only would he be leaving Lisbon but he'd also end up getting yelled at by the others.

She was shaking a bit. That was what first caught his attention. When he turned to really look at her, he noticed that her green eyes were wide and waiting. Jane could only image that she was confused and scared. After all, she didn't remember. He'd never seen Lisbon like that. She seemed so...fragile. Teresa Lisbon was not a woman he'd normally label in that way.

Fragile.

Breakable.

Vulnerable.

"It's going to be alright," he tried to assure in a soothing tone. He hadn't wanted her to be frightened, though he hoped that something came back.

"I'm fine," she lied.

He could see right through the lie. Lisbon was still shaking. He was about to tell her that she wasn't fine, to argue with her, when the window above them shattered. Shards of class came showering down over them both. He shook a bit before opening his eyes and looking over at her.

"Jane! Are you guys okay?"

The question came from Rigsby. Jane reached out and started to brush the glass from Lisbon. "We're okay," he responded. "We're okay," Jane said, this time to Lisbon. He made sure that she was free of glass particles before trying to do the same for himself.

"Maybe this was a stupid idea," Lisbon spoke up.

Jane noticed that the shots had stopped. He looked over and noticed that Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt were trying to assess the situation. He looked back to Lisbon. He released her arm and she immediately grabbed him. "It's okay," he told her. When her grip loosened, Jane reached into his vest pocket. He'd kept it with him and in a way didn't want to give it back.

Lisbon's cross.

It had been kept safe in his vest pocket. He'd told himself that he'd return it to her when they found her, but he hadn't. He'd kept it. It'd been a reminder of the Lisbon he remembered. But now, she was scared. Jane hated to see her in such an unknown state.

"This is yours," Jane told her. He put the cross in her hand, but brought the necklace up around her neck and clasped it in place. Jane had wanted her to be able to feel the pendant, so she knew what it was. He hoped that it would give her some sense of peace.

"Thanks."

She was quiet and Jane returned his hand and arm back to their previous positions. He looked over to see that Rigsby was motioning to the other two. Something was going on. "What's going on?" Jane finally whispered. With the window blown out above him, he didn't want to be the next thing blown away.

"We're going to surround the place before he gets a chance to escape," Rigsby told him quickly before he ran away from the cover of the vehicle.

"Stay put," Van Pelt added as she and Cho also left them.

"Are they going to be okay?" Lisbon asked after a moment.

"Sure," Jane told her, trying to sound confident.

"I thought they called for back-up."

"They did."

"They're not here yet."

Jane smiled a bit. "You're right. They should be."

"Well, what if they need help?"

He watched as Lisbon's hand reached down to her side, like she was instinctively looking for her gun. Maybe she was remembering. Jane wasn't sure. All he knew was that he suddenly felt like this was a bad plan. Of course, most times they knew ahead of time if there was a problem – like someone running around a crime scene with a gun. This time there had been no warning.

"They can take care of themselves," Jane told her. It was true. He knew that they could, but that didn't mean that he didn't worry. He did. After all, they were his friends and the closest things to family he had at the moment. Right now, though, he needed to stay with Lisbon. That was what was needed, what was best.

"They are CBI agents."

"They are. They have shiny badges even."

He watched the smile spread across her face. It was a simple pleasure. Her smile. It was like the sun. Jane couldn't help, but smile in return.

And then it happened so fast. The sound of running in their direction. The shouting. The gunshots. Normally, this was something that he saw coming, but Jane blamed his distraction on Lisbon. He'd been far too focused on her. A man with a gun ran in their direction, right down the middle of the street. Jane assumed that he was the one who had shot out the window above where he and Lisbon waited.

Though the vehicles didn't carry any CBI logos, they were black SUVs and obviously law enforcement. He stood up and held his hands up to show that he didn't mean any harm. Jane moved in front of Lisbon, pulling her to her feet behind him with a hand. He acted as a shield. He was determined not to let anything else happen to her.

"Jane," she whispered.

He knew that she had to be wondering why they were standing. Lisbon wasn't stupid. She knew something was going on. He didn't want to tell her the truth though. Jane just wanted the guy to run right by. It wasn't like they were armed.

"Stay still," he told her.

"Why?"

"Just stay still!"

The man came to a halt and surveyed them. He had a feeling that the man was making sure they weren't going to be shot. "We're not armed," Jane offered. He hoped that it was enough to appease him. After all, the rest of the team wasn't far behind.

Protect Lisbon.

The gun rose. Jane just stared at the barrel. He had no training in this area. He only knew to talk. To distract him long enough to give the others a chance to get there. "You don't want to shoot me."

"Jane?" Lisbon spoke up.

"Shhh..." he shushed and turned his attention back to the man. "I suggest you keep running. We're not a threat to you. We're both unarmed."

Protect Lisbon.

When the man didn't move, Jane made sure that he was shielding Lisbon. Just in case. He'd ensure her safety, even if it meant his life. He'd happily give it for her.

Protect Lisbon.

He didn't waver. Jane swallowed and knew what was to come before the man even pulled the trigger. He'd seen it in his eyes. Lisbon would freak out. He hated to know that she'd go through it, but the others weren't far behind. Cho, Rigsby, and especially Van Pelt would see that she was taken care of. Comforted.

Protect Lisbon.

Jane tried to keep his voice calm. "Lisbon, listen to me," he said quickly. "Everything's going to be okay. No matter what. Everything's going to be okay."

The shot.

He heard it before he felt anything. The shot froze his world. He could suddenly feel his body absorbing the bullet and its impact. Everything unfroze, but stayed in a state of slow motion for a time. The faces of his friends, terror...panic... Another shot. This time, it wasn't one meant for him.

Protect Lisbon.

Turning, Jane took in Lisbon's shocked and worried face as he started to fall to the ground. She was unharmed. He turned his head in the direction of the man who's shot him; he was already on the ground. Bleeding. Dying. The ground took him soon after and he struggled to breathe.

Jane had always heard that being shot and bleeding to death was something in which your body went cold, but right now he felt warm. His chest felt warm and enveloped. Like his chest had been submerged in warm water. It was almost comforting in a way.

"Jane!" Lisbon shouted.

She was panicking, Jane quickly recognized. She was moving away from the vehicle, he'd pressed her against it for her own safety. Her arms were outstretched and she was searching for him. "Stay where you are," he told her, though his voice betrayed his condition. It wavered for a moment.

"Where are you?" she asked.

Protect Lisbon.

He didn't want her to see him in such a state, even if she couldn't see. He was afraid that she'd stop remembering. That it would all be too traumatic. She started to crouch down and feel the ground. Jane knew that she wouldn't stop; he reached out and took her hand.

Jane watched as the others ran towards them, Cho quickly kicked the gun away from the man. Jane assumed he was dead. Cho was checking. Rigsby was calling it in. Van Pelt was making her way to Lisbon. She'd protect Lisbon for him.

"Are you okay?" Lisbon asked.

Her hands worriedly searched him. Lisbon's hands found his face and she traced the contours of it. Jane wondered if she was memorizing it, like he'd tried to do when she'd been smiling before when he was suffering from temporary blindness. He allowed it.

"I'll be fine," Jane tried to assure, his voice a bit weak.

"He shot you!"

Her voice was almost hysterical. Jane noticed that her hands started to search for the wound. "I'll be okay. Rigsby has already called for emergency services."

"Grace has already got pressure on it," Jane said as Van Pelt crouched down on his right. He knew that that was why she was there.

"She does?" Lisbon asked.

"I've got it," Van Pelt spoke up. "The ambulance will be here in two minutes," she promised.

He believed her. Jane cringed a bit as Van Pelt's hands clamped down on the wound. He'd survive. He was sure. If not, he was sure he'd feel a lot worse. Jane adjusted his gaze to stare up at Lisbon. She was worried. Her hand had gone to his and was holding it. It was currently the best feeling in his world. Though, he knew if he could get her to smile, it would be even better. Jane doubted she'd do it in their current situation though.

"It's going to be okay," Lisbon said.

She was trying to be comforting. He was starting to feel tired, but he was trying to find it. Van Pelt was speaking, but he ignored it. Something else caught his attention. Lisbon was shaking her head a bit and blinking her eyes. Her hand went up to her head and Jane started to wonder if she'd been injured. Had he pushed her against the vehicle? Had she hit her head? Different situations and problems started to run through his brain.

"Lisbon," he mumbled and then found that emergency services had arrived and pushed Van Pelt out of the way without his knowledge. Now they were moving Lisbon, who was not leaving his side of her own free will. "Something's wrong with her," Jane told the EMS personnel as he pointed to Lisbon. "I think she has a concussion."

"She doesn't have a concussion," Van Pelt said.

Van Pelt was standing off to the side, with her arm around Lisbon. He'd been keeping an eye on them. He had been reading Van Pelt's lips; she'd been telling Lisbon what the personnel had been doing. At least she was being taken care of.

"You're not paying attention to her," Jane quickly accused as he found himself on a gurney and with his shirt open. When had he given them permission to remove his shirt? He noticed the white gauze taped to where the bullet hole had been. At least he wouldn't bleed to death quickly.

He watched as Van Pelt blinked and glared at him a bit. He was sure it was unintentional. After all, Jane felt he knew Grace Van Pelt enough to know that she really wouldn't be upset with him for pointing out something so crucial. Jane waited and was happy to see that now everyone was paying attention.

"He's right," one of the medics spoke up. "She better ride with us."

"Well, then I'm riding too," Van Pelt said.

"We may not have enough room," the other pointed out.

"He's shot and she's suffering from temporary amnesia and blindness. I'm not letting you take her without someone she knows being with her," Van Pelt said.

Jane smiled and then cringed as the gurney was uncomfortably pulled up and snapped into place at the new raised position. The medics started to hurry to get him into the ambulance, but he kept his eyes on Lisbon. He needed to make sure that they weren't just tricking him to get him to go peacefully. He wouldn't put up with any deception.

He went into the white vehicle first. One medic joined him. Lisbon and Van Pelt next. Then the other medic. Lisbon would still be protected. That was the most important thing right now. As the medic closest to him started to assess his injuries, Jane tried to push his hands away. "Check her first!" he tried to insist.

"Your injuries are more severe."

"I don't care!"

"Jane! Hold still!" Lisbon commanded. "I'm fine! Things are just...blurry..."

"Blurry?" Jane repeated as he stared at her. The world seemed to come to a full stop then. Blurry. Lisbon could see. Blurry. Her blindness was going to be a thing of a past and he hoped with it, her memory loss. The medics worked on him, he could feel it.

Lisbon could see.

...........................................

TBC...


	7. I'm Fine

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 7 – "I'm Fine"**

**Author's Note: **okay, tried to make this a bit fun...hopefully not too over the top.

............................

"_Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose __sight__ of the shore."_

_- Andre Gide_

**ER**

"I'm fine," Jane complained.

He was amazed at the fact that he'd said it at least a hundred times and every set of people that had been with him had just ignored him. Jane had decided since he hadn't felt so cold and hadn't seen a bright light to walk towards that he wasn't dying. So, he was fine. The medical professionals apparently didn't agree with his diagnosis.

"I'm fine."

Still no one cared.

All he could think about was Lisbon. She'd still held her head and had been silent in the ambulance. He was worried. Worried mainly because he couldn't be with her. They were in separate rooms, for all he knew they were on separate floors and in separate wings of the hospital. It was unacceptable. He hadn't wanted to be separated from her. They were separated now. Unacceptable.

Jane groaned in pain. He hadn't realized how much it had really hurt until they were prodding around. "Can you just slap a band-aid on it and let me go please?" Jane asked. He had figured at least his change in dialogue would help get a rise out of those treating him.

"Mr. Jane, if you don't lie still and be quiet so that we can do our jobs, we're going to have to strap you down and sedate you," the nurse told him.

At least they talked to him. It was something. "Do you think you can have someone find out information about my friend? She came in with me," Jane said. It was a request he hoped could be fulfilled. He had thought that it was a simple one. Someone could just make a phone call and let him know some minor thing, so that he could relax and allow them to do their jobs in peace.

"What's your friend's name? If I have a moment, I'll try to get some information for you," the nurse said. "But in the meantime, I'm going to need you to hold still and stop telling us you're fine. Believe me, no one who comes into the ER on a gurney with a bullet in them is fine."

"Her name is Teresa Lisbon. They were probably checking her for a concussion," Jane responded.

"Teresa Lisbon," the nurse repeated back to him. She nodded and then went back to what she was doing.

Jane let out a sigh and stared up at the ceiling. He felt the pain blockers being pushed into him. Soon, he'd be more cooperative, though against his will. The pain medication would help to lull him into a sense of senselessness.

.....................................

**Hospital Room **

Jane awoke to sunlight piercing in through the window to the left of him. He cringed and groaned and then started to roll his head. He stopped when he noticed a familiar face. Cho. He let his head settle on Cho. Blinking a couple of times, Jane tried to concentrate. How much time had passed?

"Lisbon?" Jane finally got out. He didn't remember the nurse ever giving him any information on her.

"Van Pelt and Rigsby are with her," Cho answered.

"Is she okay?" Jane asked wanting more information. He had figured that that was where Van Pelt was with...and of course since Van Pelt was there, so was Rigsby. It was something that was easily deduced.

"The doctors aren't sure. She hasn't said anything. Her pupils are responding to stimulus, but she's just lying in bed."

"She's in the hospital?" Jane asked as he forced himself up into a sitting position. Then he remembered why he was there. He'd been shot. Obviously not too badly since Cho was there. No nurse was rushing in knowing he was awake. Most likely it had been more like a flesh wound than anything else; it had just been in a dangerous spot.

"Lay back down, the doctors said you need to stay for another night," Cho ordered.

Jane ignored him. "What room is she in?"

"Jane—"

"Does she have a concussion?" he asked as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and examined the machines that they had him hooked up to. He looked towards the bottom, they had wheels. They could be wheeled.

"No."

"That's good at least," Jane said as he thought about standing. He stared at the tiles and wondered where his shoes were...or at least if the nurses had left him some nice slippers and possibly some pants.

"Can you please not do that?" Cho requested.

"Do what?" Jane asked as he pulled back the blanket.

"Woah!" Cho complained. His hand flew up to protect his eyes. "Cover up!"

Jane laughed. "Think you could get me a pair of those pants the nurses are wearing? Maybe some slippers?" he requested.

"I don't think they're going to hand anything over to you," Cho told him. He peeked out from behind his hands to see if it was safe.

Jane shrugged and then pressed the nurse call button on his bed. If all else failed, he could easily charm the items from the nurse. If that failed, he was sure that he could get a wheelchair and bring his sheet with him. Jane was sure that a hospital style toga would work as well.

....................................

**En Route to Lisbon's Hospital Room**

"I can't believe you talked the nurse into it," Cho said.

Jane beamed. Cho was currently pushing him in a wheelchair in the direction of where Lisbon was. He'd been able to negotiate a pair of scrubs bottoms and the closest thing they had to shoes or slippers. They were pathetic, but they were something. "I can be very persuasive when I want to."

"I thought it was all the time."

"No," Jane told him. "I only use my powers for good."

"Where's this switch? Lisbon might want to know about it."

Jane found Cho funnier than normal. He laughed out loud and wiggled around in the wheelchair. "Cho! I swear, Man! You are one funny guy!"

"How much medication did they give you?"

"They didn't give me anything!"

"The nurse said to tell her if you were doing okay being on it."

Jane frowned for a moment, but then laughed. "I don't remember that."

"This is why we tell you to stay out of the way, you know. So, you don't get shot. So, you're not on pain medication that makes you crazy."

.......................................

**Lisbon's Hospital Room**

"Her room looks just like mine," Jane told them.

He noticed that Van Pelt and Rigsby looked at him oddly, but he didn't care. He knew he was covered, so it wasn't like he was flashing anyone.

"What's up with Jane?" Van Pelt asked as she pointed at him.

"Nothing," Jane replied.

"Pain killers," Cho replied.

"Morphine?" Rigsby asked.

"Something that's gotten him loopy."

"I am not loopy," Jane argued, but wasn't upset.

Lisbon's still form, back to the door, curled up...it made him cold...it made him feel suddenly sober. He wanted to get up out of the chair and crawl into the hospital bed and wrap his arms around her. He wanted to request that everyone leave, but he knew that they wouldn't allow that. Van Pelt would be there to make sure that Lisbon was alright and Cho and Rigsby would keep him from doing anything stupid. Jane didn't plan on doing anything stupid, though the pain medication was obviously a bit too much for him to handle awake.

The doctors had said she was fine.

She was seeing again. Or at least that's what he thought.

He wanted out of the damn wheelchair, but he was sure that Rigsby and Cho could keep him there if he tried to get up. So, instead he decided to go for a more Van Pelt/Rigsby/Cho-friendly plan. It was one that he wasn't sure would be nearly as comforting for him or possibly Lisbon as his original idea.

"Cho, wheel me over," Jane instructed as he pointed to the other side of Lisbon's bed.

"She's sleeping," Van Pelt told Jane.

"So, I just want to sit over there. The light is nice," Jane said pointing to the window.

"He's lying," Rigsby spoke up.

"Maybe," Jane conceded. "Or maybe I'm not."

Cho wheeled him over without a word and Jane was grateful. Now, he just needed to get rid of the trio. It wasn't going to be easy. He thought about it and tried to think of something that could lure all three of the agents out of the room and into a different part of the hospital for any length of time. Of course, there was just the lobby, waiting rooms, the gift shop, and the cafeteria that visitors could really access. He doubted any other area could intrigue them or keep them distracted long enough unless he devised a scavenger hunt, though he doubted that they'd go for it.

Gift shop. No. Too small.

The cafeteria did have the draw of food. He was sure that he could get Rigsby down there by the lure of snacks and the others because there was coffee. They'd all go for coffee. Jane just wasn't sure if he could get them all to go together for it.

"You know what sounds good? Coffee," Jane said.

"You don't drink coffee," Rigsby told him.

"Must be the pain medication," Cho said.

"I could go for some though."

"Me too," Van Pelt chimed in.

Jane pretended not to be listening. He stared out the window instead of at Lisbon. He wanted to look at her, desperately. He knew she wasn't sleeping. Lisbon was pretending. If she pretended to sleep then she didn't have to talk to Van Pelt or Rigsby about what had happened. She didn't have to be drilled about her being able to see. Pretending was safe.

Safe.

How he wished that he could promise her safety. He couldn't. Not with Red John free. Though in the world they lived in the word "safe" was not one that could really be felt. Doors, windows, and cars all had to be kept locked. Nothing was sacred. Nothing was cherished. Nothing was precious. Everything was expendable; at least that was how people treated it. Of course not all, but a good number of people ruined the world for all the others.

It was sad.

It was reality.

It was cruel.

"Jane," Rigsby said.

Jane pretended not to hear him. He just continued to stare out the window. It would make him look less likely like he was planning something if he wasn't listening. Jane then turned after a moment. "Were you saying something?" he asked as if he'd just realized they'd been talking to him for five minutes.

"Yeah," Rigsby said. "We're going to go for coffee. You going to be okay here?"

"Yeah," Jane said after a pause. "I'm just going to sit here. Maybe Lisbon will wake up." He gave them a slight smile. "If all else fails, I get a change of scenery before you return me to my room."

"Okay," Rigsby said.

He noticed that they were still a bit reluctant, so he turned and stared out the window once again. He could play drugged up and dumb. That phase had passed, seeing Lisbon had really hit him. He'd sit there all day if that meant he could have five minutes alone to talk to her.

"We won't be long," Van Pelt said before finally leaving.

Jane waited about thirty seconds before attempting to get up from his wheelchair. He just wanted to talk to her. He didn't care if she remembered anything, if he remembered him. Right now he just cared about her being okay. Jane knew that the doctors said she was okay, but if she was still there and in a bed, then they suspected something...even if it was just some kind of shock.

"Lisbon?" Jane said as he finally got up and reached out to take hold of her bed for support.

No response.

"I know you're not asleep," Jane tried.

No response.

Sometimes just telling people the truth worked. If they thought their secret was out, then they usually gave up. Lisbon still didn't move. He frowned and moved closer. Her eyes were closed, but he knew that she wasn't really asleep. Jane figured that she just still didn't remember him and obviously didn't know that he knew better.

"The real Lisbon would tell me to leave her alone," Jane told her hoping to get some kind of rise out of her.

"Leave me alone."

The muffled and yet somewhat irritated response made him smile. "Not exactly the right tone."

"I can try it again," she offered. "But I don't think it would make a difference."

She opened her green eyes and Jane could see the confusion in them. "There you are," he whispered and he pulled the chair Van Pelt had been sitting in and sat down at Lisbon's side. "They said you weren't talking..."

"I'm still not remembering," Lisbon told him. "I am, but I feel like I should know more...like I've hit a block wall."

Jane reached out and laid his hand on her cheek. "You'll remember."

"I can see you...and I still don't remember," Lisbon admitted. "I sort of feel guilty about it."

Lisbon looked so small to him. It wasn't like her to look small or fragile. She did. No wonder she was in the hospital, she didn't feel like herself. But he didn't want her to feel guilty. He just wanted her to be okay. Lisbon's sight returning was definitely a plus. Though her memory wasn't working one hundred percent at the moment, Jane could wait. He was sure that she'd eventually remember everything.

"Why?" he asked.

"I at least feel familiar if not remember the others a bit. But you," Lisbon told him. "You're like behind the block."

"That's okay," Jane assured.

"How did you know I wasn't sleeping? Everyone else thought I was sleeping."

"I know you a bit better," Jane told her. He did. He knew them all better. He'd been part of the team long enough to study them and learn things about them that they probably didn't know they were telling him. Lisbon was no different.

"How are you? They were saying that you had to have surgery."

"They used that localized stuff to numb me and pulled it out. I'm fine. It didn't puncture anything. They're just fussing," Jane told her. Sure, he hurt, but he was blaming that on the bullet, he was blaming it on the doctor who was probing around in order to get the bullet out.

"You're on pain meds," Lisbon pointed out.

Busted.

"They're making me take them."

Lisbon smiled. "I'm pretty sure they only make you take them if you really need them. Something about not wanting people to become addicted."

"I don't remember anyone giving me that warning," Jane told her.

She laughed, her eyes twinkled and Jane knew that she was okay. She was scared, but she was okay. "Go home with Van Pelt. You could probably convince her to let you sleep there alone tonight. After all, she can't pull the "well you can't see" card anymore." She smiled brighter and Jane felt the pain ebb away.

"There was a lot of blood," Lisbon told him.

"I'm okay."

"I don't know how I normally can do this," Lisbon admitted.

Jane just stared at her. "You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You do what you do because it's right. You do things that help people. You make a difference. You're a good person."

"You protected me."

Her voice was quiet and small. It didn't even sound like Lisbon. He had protected her; he'd done it because it had been the right thing to do. He'd done it because what else could he do? He couldn't allow her injury or death. He loved Teresa Lisbon. Jane wouldn't allow her any further harm.

"I was just in the way," he joked with a smile. He didn't want to dwell on it.

"I appreciate it just the same."

"It was nothing you wouldn't have done for me."

.......................

TBC...


	8. A Reminder

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 8 – "A Reminder"**

**Author's Note: **

............................

"_In this world there is always danger for those who are afraid of it." – George Bernard Shaw_

**Jane's Hospital Room**

"You should be excited."

Jane tilted his head as he thought about it. "Why exactly should I be excited?" Jane asked her. This was half the fun. Just talking to Lisbon.

"You have everything brought to you, even entertainment," Lisbon told him with a smile.

"I'd be more excited if they'd let me out of here," he told her. In truth, he didn't mind so much. He just didn't like to be in there and not be able to be close to Lisbon. With her sight back, he'd been hoping to spend more time with her in hopes of jogging her memory. So far, nothing.

"They're going to," Lisbon promised. "Just in several hours. Until then, you behave."

"Are you leaving me already?"

"Minnelli wants to go over some things," Lisbon explained. "Since I can see again, he wants to make sure that I can still shoot straight and that I remember procedure and such."

"Right," Jane said. "It would be nice if you could shoot straight now." He didn't miss the scoff he got from her as she smacked his arm playfully.

"You're horrible," she accused playfully. "No wonder no one else is visiting."

"Rigsby isn't coming until lunch," Jane told her.

"Well, it's good for you to have something to look forward to, but I have to go," Lisbon told him.

"You may not remember how to drive," he pointed out even though he knew that she'd driven there on her own. He was just trying to figure out a way to be able to spend more time with her. He hated her leaving. Why couldn't he be released? He'd promise to be good and lay on his couch all day if they liked.

"I'm pretty sure that's how I got here."

"You sure? I think you walked," Jane told her.

She laughed. "Pretty positive."

"Come visit me later?" Jane requested.

Lisbon walked to the door and looked back at him. "Mmmm...may-be," she told him before throwing a smile his way and leaving.

......................................****

Jane Residence

It took Jane a good thirty minutes to convince Rigsby that he could walk up to his house on his own and that he didn't need any help. After all, he doubted that Rigsby would send back a positive report if he saw the reminder on his wall. The one reminder he needed to remember. Rigsby wouldn't understand why he needed it there. Why he needed the pain kept there.

No one would understand.

Red John would still pay.

He trudged up the stairs towards the bedroom. He was actually looking forward to being in his home alone. To sleep in his own bed. He swung open the door and stopped. He hadn't noticed the light as he'd walked up the steps. How could he have missed it? A flashlight had been positioned so that it shone on the reminder...the crimson smiley face drawn on his wall in blood.

He looked around and then saw it. Red John had been there. Anger filled him. This was the second time that he'd come to leave something. Jane wasn't sure if he should feel relief. At least it wasn't another body to add to the room.

On his bed was a chestnut brown leather jacket laid out and covered in what looked like dried blood. Jane recognized the jacket and sunk down a bit, crouching and staring at the piece of clothing on display. He was warning him. Jane knew it was a warning, that's the only way he could interpret it. Red John was saying that he could still get to Lisbon. Lisbon was still in danger.

His hands shook and tears fell from his eyes as his hands covered his face. Sobs shook his chest and tumbled from his lips. Jane didn't understand why she was still a target. She didn't remember. Jane didn't see how she was a threat or was Red John just using her because he still cared for her?

Anger hit him again.

He couldn't not care for Lisbon. He didn't have a switch for who he cared for. Sometimes he wished it were only that simple. To flip a switch.

Love had been hard for him to accept and now Red John was going to take it from him even if she didn't remember who he was? Jane found that to be hard to accept. He didn't want to let anything happen to Lisbon. He'd thought that with Lisbon not remembering him that she'd be safe. He was wrong.

How was he supposed to protect her if Red John wouldn't leave her alone? He wouldn't allow her to come to harm. He'd much rather die.

Reaching down, he picked up the leather jacket and folded it as neatly as he could before heading back downstairs. As much as he wanted to just toss it, he felt the need to keep it. It was something Lisbon wore often, Jane thought maybe a favorite. The blood could be removed, but for right now he just placed it into a bag. He knew that if it had gone to anyone else they would have turned it in and hoped for a fingerprint, but Jane knew Red John better. He was smarter than that. There would be no prints, fibers, hairs, or DNA. Red John was a like ghost when it came to evidence.

He'd hold onto it...for now. He'd protect it, like it was evidence. Just in case.

.......................................

**CBI Headquarters**

Jane had been there far before everyone else.He'dwanted to stop at Lisbon's place, but had decided that something would give away the fact that it was out of the ordinary for him. With his luck, that would be the exact moment that she'd remember him and be able to sufficiently call him out. It would also be very unfortunate.

Though Jane wanted her to remember and remember him, he didn't want to further risk her life in the process. He'd waited there, lying on his couch. He'd sucked down soda like there was no tomorrow. He hadn't been able to sleep, though when he'd set out for CBI Headquarters he'd started to feel the hangover of his sleep deprivation. Lying down didn't help, but he forced his eyes to remain open and vigilant.

Lisbon was the last to arrive, which was odd, but then again Van Pelt wasn't driving her into work anymore. She'd probably taken extra time to take in what she'd been missing. The adjustment was probably hard even though she'd been able to see before. She went from relying on everyone on the team to being a sole individual. It had to be hard to make that sudden jump. She had a smile on her face nonetheless, her green eyes shone.

He was relieved.

Although he didn't think Red John would go after her, at least now right now. Jane had still worried. How could he not with her blood all over the jacket he'd seen her wear time and again. Her blood that was now stashed at his home.

Though Jane wanted to catch Red John desperately, right now his focus was on her. Teresa Lisbon. The woman that he'd somehow fallen in love with. It had never been the plan. He wanted to just kill Red John and then die himself, but somehow...it had happened. And now because of him she was in danger.

His eyes betrayed him and suddenly felt too heavy to keep open. He closed them for a moment and then opened them to find her standing over him. There was concern written all over her face. He just stared up at her. The fact that she was safe was all that he needed to know. Even if he didn't talk to her for the rest of the day, just to know she was safe was enough.

"Why are you here?"

Why was he there? Where else would he be? It was something that he didn't think she'd ask. After all, he'd been there for weeks...while she'd been missing... On top of it all, it was his couch. His designated spot in their section of the CBI building.

"What?" Jane blurted out in confusion.

"Why are you here?" Lisbon repeated.

"Where else would I be?"

She let out a sigh. "You've obviously not slept, so I'm wondering why you're here. Even if we have a case, you're not going to be any good to us sleep deprived."

"I'm fine."

"Go home."

"What?" Jane questioned as he sat up, but kept his eyes on her. He knew she was doing this out of concern for him, but he was doing the same for her. He wasn't just about to leave. He'd intended on staying for the whole day and then to try to get a little extra time with her to ensure her safety.

"Go home," Lisbon repeated, a bit slowly.

Jane just stared at her, but she turned and walked away. She was in her office with the door shut before he was on his feet. He followed after her. There was no way he was leaving CBI without her. He allowed himself into her office without knocking. He wasn't leaving. "I'm not going anywhere," he told her flat out. "The amount of sleep I did or did not receive last night is not going to impact my ability to further the investigation."

"I disagree."

"You can disagree all you want, but I'm not leaving," Jane insisted.

"Why? Why is it so important that you stay? You probably didn't even sleep last night, Jane. What could be so important?"

It was a valid question.

Teresa Lisbon was the answer.

The answer he wanted to give, but he wondered if he did if she'd laugh and tell him that he'd obviously not had any sleep and was now hallucinating or delusional. Either would be in her character.

"I can't tell you," Jane blurted out.

"Can't or won't?"

"Both."

"That doesn't make any sense," she told him as she shook her head. "It can't be both. It's impossible."

"That's why I can't tell you," Jane told her matter of factly.

"Your games aren't going to work with me," Lisbon countered quickly.

"They usually don't...at least not for long," Jane conceded.

"Go home, Jane," Lisbon told him again.

"Is that an order?" Jane asked, hoping to switch subjects if she got off topic. He'd been told his main talent was his charm, but it never really worked with Lisbon...at least not for long. She had a way of seeing through him. It was a bit unnerving, but something that helped for him to feel like someone else in the world understood him.

"Yes, it is," she told him as she leaned against her desk.

"Okay," Jane said a bit sadly. Today was not working out as planned. He backed up a bit. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Fine."

Jane turned and took another step towards the door, his hand on the handle. He paused and turned back to her. "By the way, that color works very well with your eyes," he said with a smile. Green had always made her eyes look greener than they already were. She looked beautiful. He wanted to keep her that way.

He noticed the look in her eyes. She suddenly looked very confused. His smile dropped and his hand moved from the door handle. "Lisbon? Are you okay?" he asked and took a step towards her, watching as her hand went up to her head.

"You've—you've said something like that before," she whispered.

"What?" Jane asked as he reached her and stared at her, studying her.

Lisbon's head raised and stared into his eyes. "You've said that to me before."

"You remember?" Jane questioned. There was hope at the very least.

"Sortive..."

Jane beamed. "So, you didn't just erase me from in there," Jane teased as his hands came to either side of her face. He laughed a bit; it felt good to know that he hadn't been erased from her memory.

"Obviously you're just that annoying," Lisbon told him, a slight smile breaking through. She raised her hands and placed them over his.

He could feel that she wanted him to move them, but he wasn't quite ready. "Obviously," he repeated. "You should let someone stay with you," Jane told her. His eyes staying with hers. He was hoping to convey just how important it was.

"I can take care of myself—"

"Not against Red John," Jane told her. He hadn't meant to bring it up. He didn't want to bring any of it up, but if she wasn't going to take him seriously, then he'd scare the hell out of her. Then he hoped she'd give in and listen to reason.

"What are you talking about?" she asked and moved her hands to pry his away from her face. She stepped back, but found that her desk was there.

"I'm talking about the fact that he isn't done coming after you," Jane told her. "You're the closest person in the world to me and he's using that against me. He's going to come after you again. He's told me so."

"How?" Lisbon asked, stepped towards him again. "How? And why haven't I heard anything about this before?"

"Your necklace...that was the first warning...he gave it to me before we even found you," Jane told her. "You always wear it. You were wearing it the night that he took you."

"From what I know, Red John doesn't leave people alive. He kills everyone. You know that. Why would he leave me alive? That doesn't make any sense! You're not making any sense! Now, go home...get some sleep."

He just stared at her. "He cut you open, took your sight for a while, and took your memories...and then he just dumped you. Doesn't it sound like he killed you?"

"Please leave," Lisbon said quietly.

"What do you remember?" he pushed.

"I want you gone now," Lisbon told him, her voice raising.

"What do you remember? Do you remember sounds or smells or anything before you were sent to that place?"

"You mean A Better Tomorrow Rehabilitation Center?" Lisbon questioned.

"Yes, that place...or before the hospital?" Jane asked.

Lisbon frowned. "I don't want to talk about it," she said quietly. She turned to walk to the other side of her desk.

Jane grabbed her arm before she could get very far. He turned her around. "Please. It's important. What do you remember?"

"I remember walking along a road...I could hear the cars zipping past me...the crunch of the dirt and rocks under my bare feet," Lisbon recounted.

Jane hadn't heard this. He wanted to hold her at just the few details she was giving, they made him all the sudden feel guilty for asking her about it. It sounded unbelievably scary. When he'd been temporarily blinded, he'd never gone through such a thing. Not even when he'd tried to drive Van Pelt's jeep had it been like that. He watched her face; her eyes were closed as if trying to remember it exactly for his benefit alone.

"My side hurt and I could feel my shirt clinging to it," Lisbon continued. "I slipped and tripped a few times. I don't know...if you want to know where I was, the closest you could probably come to a location is from the police reports taken from the people who picked me up from the side of the highway."

Jane didn't know what to say. He just stared at her. Images flashed through his head as he unintentionally found himself picturing her on the side of a freeway...lost and confused and injured and mussed and dirty...

"Look," Jane finally spoke up again. This time quiet and calm. "Let me stay. I'm just concerned about you. I'll sleep on my couch," he said and motioned towards her office door. "Please," he pleaded and stared at her. Eventually her eyes met his. There was silence between them both for a long time.

"Fine," Lisbon answered quietly. Her eyes flickered down and she walked around her desk and finally sat in her chair. She looked up from her desk. "Is there anything else?"

"No," he responded and frowned a bit. He wasn't sure if she was acting this way, cold and quiet, because she was upset or because he'd brought up the memories. Jane wanted to think it was the latter and he was sorry for it. The last thing that he wanted was to cause her any pain in all of this. He just wanted to be there to look out for her.

"For what it's worth," Jane said as he opened her door. His head down as he stared at ground as he put one foot out the door. "I hope you prove me wrong..." He wanted to be proved wrong in so many ways when it came to Lisbon.

Maybe she'd been right, maybe it hadn't been Red John...but deep down, Jane knew the truth. Red John was out there and he'd be coming after Teresa Lisbon again. She was not safe.

.........................

TBC...


	9. Disorder Attracts Attention

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 9 – "Disorder Attracts Attention"**

**Author's Note: **Okay, I blame my allergy-ness for any errors...I ended up getting the worse bought of allergies yesterday and I'm just now getting proper medication. Seriously, I think I'd rather be sick...

............................

"_Order is never observed; it is disorder that attracts attention because it is __awkward__ and intrusive."- Eliphas Levi_

**CBI Headquarters**

"Goodnight," Rigsby said as he, Van Pelt, and Cho headed out.

"Night," Van Pelt echoed.

"Night Boss," Cho said.

"Goodnight," Lisbon responded back.

Jane watched them from her couch. He'd been lying there most of the day. His hands neatly folded over his stomach. Lisbon had hidden in her office for almost the whole day. He found it unsettling. She didn't often isolate herself in such a way, but he had a feeling that part of that response was due to his actions earlier in the day.

With her door now open, Jane could see a glimpse of her. He felt bad if he'd scared her. He had only meant to keep her safe. If she didn't believe him, then how was he supposed to keep her safe? How was he supposed to keep Red John from hurting her?

"Go home, Jane," Lisbon's voice carried to him.

Obviously, Lisbon had missed the whole point of him being there. He didn't want to leave her. He wanted to stay. He wanted to be there. She was a target. Didn't she understand that? He hated that she still may not believe him that she was one.

He got to his feet and meandered to her office. "Are you leaving?" he asked as he leaned against the doorframe.

"In a while," Lisbon responded honestly. "I still have some paperwork to finish up."

"I'll help." He moved into her office and took a seat across from her. He smiled at her and she smiled back, but then turned her head slightly. This was a look he'd gotten before. He wasn't leaving though.

"I don't think you can help."

"So, I'll be here for moral support," he offered.

"Thanks, but no."

Jane just sat there and smiled at her. He didn't care what she said, he wasn't leaving her. He wouldn't let her be taken again. The threat was too high.

"I'm serious, Jane. Go home."

"I'm serious, too."

"Serious about what? As far as I've seen, you're a clown."

"Seen or remember?" Jane challenged.

He watched her as she stared back at him. She was thinking about how to respond to his question. "You're remembering..." he said quietly. It was flat out statement and he stood by it.

"It's just blurred...bits and pieces that don't make sense," Lisbon admitted.

Jane grinned. "What do you remember?"

"Did you not hear me? Blurred bits and pieces. It doesn't make sense."

"That's okay, tell me. I'll help fill in the gaps."

"It's okay," Lisbon told him and then started to shuffle papers.

He could tell that she was trying to look busy. Like she didn't need him. He still wasn't leaving. This wasn't one hundred percent functioning Teresa Lisbon, though he wouldn't have left if it was. He was honestly worried about her. He wasn't just going to let it go. He cared about her.

He loved her.

"You're still here," she pointed out as she briefly looked up from the paperwork on her desk.

"I am," he told her proudly. He smiled brightly at her and started to randomly look over her office.

"Why?"

"Because I'm not leaving you here alone."

Lisbon sighed and looked up at him. "You do realize that not only am I armed...and by the way, Minnelli had me retested to make sure I know how to handle my gun. I passed. But there are also guards. You don't have to sit here and "protect" me."

"I wish you'd take this seriously," Jane said with a bit of irritation seeping into his voice as he stared up at her ceiling. "You would know to be serious if you remembered how serious he can be when it comes to his victims."

"What? You want me to remember the cases? I remember them, Jane. Would you like me to start reciting the cases? Would that make you feel better?"

Her voice was portraying her irritation and upset at him very convincingly. He didn't care. He wasn't leaving her. "It might." He turned his attention away from the ceiling and back to her.

"I remember..." Lisbon paused.

He noticed how her face softened and then she looked back down at the paperwork. He frowned. Did she remember? He knew that she remembered some about Red John. "Lisbon?"

"I remember..." she told him quietly and then went back to her paperwork.

Jane just wanted her to know how dangerous he could be. Even though she didn't believe that Red John would have let her live, he knew better. This was a way of making him suffering. And he was. He was suffering...it hurt him so badly to know that she didn't remember him...that she didn't believe him...that she didn't trust him... That was worse than having Lisbon dead.

"I wish you'd remember to trust me," Jane told her. He was still afraid that he'd burned some bridges with her earlier when she'd been forced to remember being blind and walking alongside a road. Jane felt guilty about that...

"Trust you?"

"I did take a bullet for you," Jane reminded her.

She frowned.

"We even did a trust fall...though you don't remember it."

"A trust fall?"

Jane nodded and smiled brightly at her. "A trust fall. Where you turn around and fall backwards and I catch you."

"That can't possibly prove trust," Lisbon argued. "That's a lame exercise they make you do at those work retreats."

"We did one and you said you trusted me."

"I don't remember that."

Jane smiled at her. "You should."

"And yet...I don't."

Jane sighed and shook his head. "I'm starting to think this is all a complex mind game you're playing with me."

"Now," Lisbon said and leaned forward across her desk. "Why would I do that?"

Jane's smile brightened more and he laughed lowly. "Because I sort of do them to you all the time."

Lisbon nodded. "I thought so."

"If this is pay back for my behavior, then this has to be the best pay back you've come up with."

She shrugged. "Too bad I can't take credit for it."

..................................

**CBI Parking Lot**

"I can walk myself to my own car," Lisbon complained.

"Can't you just let me be a gentleman and walk you to your car?" Jane asked her.****

Lisbon stopped and turned to him."I doubt this is something you would normally do or something that I would normally allow you to do."

"You're right," Jane told her. "But I'm going to do it anyway."

"Why?"

"I already told you why. Did you forget already?" he asked.

"I'm starting to think that you just want to piss me off is what I think..." Lisbon shook her head. "Watch me from a distance as you walk to your car."

The suggestion was obviously one that was a sort of compromise. He liked his idea better though. He frowned a bit when he noticed her wince. Her hand went up to her head and her eyes closed. He waited, but worried. He didn't want to overreact. He was still paying for freaking her out and bringing up bad memories earlier in the day. He wouldn't make that mistake again.

After a minute when she didn't start trying to get him to leave her alone again, he finally spoke up. "Lisbon? Are you okay?" he asked gently with concern.

"My head just hurts," Lisbon responded. "It's been hurting all day, but it just suddenly got worse..."

"Let me drive you home," Jane offered. "Please?"

Lisbon dropped her hand and opened her eyes to look at him. "If I let you drive me home, then you're going to want to come in...and then I'll never get rid of you. You are the mouse in the story _If You Give a Mouse a Cookie_."

"I'm not sure it's the same," Jane argued a bit, but smiled at her.

"I'm starting to think it is."

"So?" Jane asked. He tried to keep the fact that he was completely excited by the fact that she was going to let him drive her home inside. He didn't want to force her to decide to drive herself and risk getting into an accident because she knew he was enjoying it too much.

"Fine."

Jane felt like bouncing, but instead contained himself. He held out his arm for her and she took it, though a bit reluctantly. He guided her to his car and opened the passenger side door for her and then shut it once she was inside. He hurried around to the driver's side and was inside in no time at all.

"You know, this is trust," Lisbon spoke up as Jane guided the car out of the CBI parking lot.

"What is?" Jane asked as he focused on driving.

"Allowing you to drive me around in this."

He smiled brightly. "You've told me that before."

"I have?"

"You have," he assured her and took a moment to flash a smile in her direction before pulling his attention back to the road.

"It still holds up."

"I promise, no accidents," he told her. "Which way?"

................................

**Teresa Lisbon's Residence**

"I knew you'd talk me into doing something I had told myself I wouldn't do," Lisbon muttered as she unlocked the door.

"I don't know how you could ever think that I could talk you into something," Jane told her.

"Yeah, right," she mumbled and stepped into her house, leaving the door open for him to follow in after her.

Jane did follow and closed and locked the door. He looked around immediately taking in what the interior of her place looked like. It was clean and neat, but sparse. He thought that her place was probably like it was, not really decorated because she was probably hardly there. She spent most of her time at work and Jane didn't see her as one who partied after work. Lisbon had always seemed to be one of those people who kept it pretty close to the book.

"Let me stay the night," Jane requested.

"What?"

He could hear that he'd caught her off guard. After all, he hadn't known he was going to make the request until it came tumbling out of his mouth. "I'm not saying we do anything. I'll be a gentleman and sit in a chair or sleep on the couch or something... Floor even if you like."

"That doesn't sound very comfortable," she pointed out.

"I sleep on the couch at work all the time," he countered.

Lisbon frowned. "I don't need a babysitter anymore, remember?"

"You've been having headaches," Jane pointed out. "Plus, someone has to drive you."

"I'll call for a taxi."

"Come on," Jane told her with a smile. "I promise to be good. I won't even raid the refrigerator."

"I'll call for Van Pelt."

Jane shook his head. "Just let me stay. I'll sit right here on the couch," he told her before dropping down to sit on her couch. "I'll be quiet and everything."

"You make it sound like you're a dog or something."

Jane shrugged. He wasn't going to argue if that meant that he got to stay. After all, it was much easier keeping an eye on her from inside rather than being stalker-like and sleeping in his car. He watched as she walked off. He stayed put. He didn't go there to invade her privacy. This was her home, she'd never insisted on going into his.

Her head poked out minutes later, he turned to look at her. She seemed to be studying him. He didn't move, just in case. He did put on a bright smile for her though. He just hoped that she wasn't changing her mind on him. He was starting to get comfortable.

"Why do I think that when I do remember, that I'm going to be irritated at myself for allowing this?" Lisbon questioned.

He just laughed at her. "I love how you're worried about what you're going to think..." he teased. "Plus, if you are mad at me then, I'll take any punishment you wish to inflict on me."

Lisbon's face was perfect. He wished he could take a picture. She seemed to be really contemplating it. He almost didn't mind her not remembering him; it was almost like making new memories with her in an odd sort of way. This wasn't the Lisbon that he'd worked this long with, but a newer more cautious one. He didn't think that was fair though, the others had given her sufficient warning.

He turned and lay down on her couch once he took off his shoes. He just looked backward to see her still standing there. Jane was tempted to ask her if she remembered something, there was an odd look she as giving him. He couldn't quite place it. Like she was trying to remember, or maybe even attempting to place a memory? Jane wasn't sure. All he knew was that she had to know somewhere deep down that he was serious about Red John in order to let him stay with her.

"Goodnight," Lisbon finally said quietly before disappearing.

"Goodnight," he repeated. The lights all started to go off. He just lay there and stared up at the ceiling thinking. Thinking about everything and nothing. The past, present, and the future. Life was so unpredictable. Sometimes people had the right idea when they said that you had to live like there was no tomorrow. He didn't want to think of that concept when it came to Lisbon. She'd have tomorrow and the day after...and the day after...and the next...and on until she was old and grey.

.............................

TBC...


	10. Puzzle Pieces

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 10 – "Puzzle Pieces"**

**Author's Note: **Okay, off to Comic Con – July 22nd until July 27th...will be back shortly and then I am going to Wyoming...yay... There shall be inet access, though mostly just for e-mail, not sure how much writing for fanfic I shall get to! I sort of need to make sure that my novel is finished soon, so maybe I can have it edited pretty well by the end of the year...this is my goal. Of course, getting said novel published would be even better...

............................

"_Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not yet understood"- Henry Miller_

**Teresa Lisbon's Residence  
**

He wasn't sure when he'd fallen asleep, but he had. As his eyes opened he took in Lisbon's ceiling. He sucked in breath and then rolled over on his side. He stared back at the eyes staring at him. On the floor just a few feet away from him was Teresa Lisbon sitting on the floor staring at him. Not that he didn't mind the company, but he hadn't expected her right there when he woke up. "Morn-ning..." he said slowly.

"I don't know what to think about you," Lisbon told him.

"Oh-kay," Jane replied and started to sit up.

"I couldn't sleep much," Lisbon said honestly. "My head's been hurting, but I have been remembering more, though none of it really makes sense. Nothing connects. It's like someone took pieces of a bunch of puzzles and throw it in a box with a completely different picture."

"So, you decided to sit here," Jane said as he sat up straight and faced her. "For how long exactly? And how does it help with your headache and general confusion?"

Lisbon shrugged. "I don't know. I just...I get glimpses of you...and I want to remember, but I just can't. I thought that maybe if I stared at you long enough that something would connect and I could remember something."

"You look disappointed..."

"There's still just pieces...nothing connects," she explained.

Jane nodded. "Well, it sounds like your brain is trying... That's something."

"I feel like...like I should know you...even though I really think that I'm going to be pissed off at you when I do remember," Lisbon told him honestly.

Jane cracked a smile. He liked the fact that she had mixed feelings. He thought that it was good. It meant that she was thinking about it. Jane just hoped that she continued with her confused thoughts until she remembered. It really did help her, at least he thought so.

"You're not helping, you know."

"What would you like me to do?"

"I don't know," Lisbon admitted honestly.

Jane got up from the couch and held out his hand to her. She took it and he pulled her up. "How about we start with breakfast?"

"You know how to cook and you're psychic?" Lisbon teased with a small smile.

Jane just smiled. "I think I can remember." He started towards the kitchen. He turned and grinned at her. He was having fun. "What would you like for breakfast?"

"My memory back would be nice."

"Agreed," Jane said and continued on to the kitchen. He wasn't sure how to whip something up that would do that, but Jane still thought it was a good idea. He opened the fridge and started to rummage through it. He was seeing food, but he wasn't sure what to make of it all. He also made sure to check expiration dates, but he thought that Van Pelt would have checked that and replaced any expired food with fresh.

"Jane, do you honestly think we'll ever find Red John?"

"I have to think we will," Jane told her. He turned to her and found her staring at him. "I don't think I can live with him coming after you."

"He killed your wife and your daughter."

"Yes," Jane said and swallowed thickly. A memory of finding them flashed in his head followed by the smiley face that hung as a reminder on his bedroom wall still. "I thought he had killed you, too."

"I don't remember why he did it though..."

"He did it because of me," Jane told her. "Because of what I did then. Now he's coming after you because of what I do now."

"Or maybe," Lisbon said as she took a step towards him. "Maybe he's doing it because we've gotten too close."

"It doesn't feel like we're close," Jane told her. "We don't know anything knew that we didn't know six months ago."

"The blind woman," Lisbon offered.

"It doesn't make sense why he'd wait so long to act on us visiting her."

"You could have known his identity," Lisbon said.

Jane remembered. The memory burned in his mind. It weighed heavily on him. At the time, it hadn't been the knowledge of Red John that he'd been concerned with. It had been the officer's life or Lisbon's. He'd chosen Lisbon. After, he'd realized what he'd done. But even knowing who Red John was wasn't enough for him to forfeit Lisbon's life. The choice had been right.

"If—"

"Don't say it," Jane told her and went to pull items from the fridge.

"It's my fault you don't know who Red John is right now," Lisbon said. "You saved me..."

"And I would do it again," he said quietly before setting the items on the counter.

"So, why would Red John do this?" she questioned. "Why would he play with us like this? If he wanted to kill me, he could have."

Jane turned to her and walked towards her. Her death was forced into his head. He knew what the victims looked like. He knew what she would have looked like if he'd found her in that tent. Teresa Lisbon was a body and a case he never wanted to be alive for. "Right now, all I care about is keeping you alive. I'm not going to let him kill you too. I've seen enough death," he said as he reached out to put his hands on either side of her shoulders. He stared into her green eyes and tried to silently convey the same thing as well.

"We still have to do our jobs, Jane. That's not going to make Red John happy," Lisbon told him.

"So quit."

He watched her face. Her eyes widened, but she stayed silent. He knew it was stupid to say, but he felt the need to say it anyways. But if they quit, then what about Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt? He doubted he could get them all to quit too. After all, what would they all do if they weren't doing what they were doing now?

"I can't quit," Lisbon said after several minutes of silence. "I don't even remember if you can be trusted."

"I think normally you would answer yourself by saying that it depended on the day of the week and how you felt," Jane teased with a smile.

"Sounds about right," she mumbled.

Lisbon's eyes diverted down and Jane couldn't help, but run a hand through her hair. Her hair was soft and still held some curls. He just stared at her. It was a moment that felt truly perfect. He felt peaceful. He noticed her eyes pop back up towards him. Jane loved her green eyes.

"So, are you going to make me breakfast?" she asked.

.............................

**CBI Headquarters**

"You brought the boss in today," Rigsby stated to Jane.

They'd been making their respective hot beverages and looking for snacks in the small kitchen area in the office. Jane hadn't thought that it was a big deal; after all, Van Pelt had been bringing in Lisbon this whole time before. Apparently it was a big deal as far as the others were concerned. There was something where it was okay if a girl did it because it meant that she was just concerned and "mothering," but if a man came in with his woman boss then it meant there was something gossip-worthy going on.

"I was concerned about her driving home last night," Jane told him before he could make anything more of it.

"So, you just picked her up from her house this morning?"

Jane turned to Rigsby. He usually seemed like a pretty level and fair guy. "Why do I think that no matter how I answer your question that it's going to make it back to Van Pelt and Cho and that it's going to end badly for me?"

"Because it is," Rigsby told him.

"If I tell you the truth, though, are you going to believe me? Or are you just going to make something up? If I don't tell you, then you're going to make something up just the same," Jane told him.

"I guess you have to figure out which one is worse," Rigsby told him.

Jane tilted his head back and forth and thought it over. He was tempted to just tell the truth, but either way he felt like he was betraying Lisbon. He would hate for rumors to fly, he didn't care so much about himself, but he did care about Lisbon.

"Hey Van Pelt!" Jane called and waved her over. He turned and smiled at Rigsby. Grace Van Pelt was the best defense against Wayne Rigsby. He was going to use his love for her for his own benefit.

"What are you doing?" Rigsby asked in a whisper.

Van Pelt made her way over. "Yeah?"

"He's up to something."

Jane just smiled. "No, I'm not. Rigsby is just scared to ask you to dinner." He took in Rigsby's shocked face and then quickly proceeded on to the next part. "Please say yes, for all of our benefit." Jane smiled at both of them before quickly hurrying away.

"Why didn't you just ask?" Van Pelt asked.

"I didn't—I mean," Rigsby said as he tripped over his own words.

Jane listened from the safety of his couch and pretended to be napping. He figured that if he was napping then he couldn't be bothered, at least not as easily. Also, there was the plus side of being able to hear everything they were saying. At the moment he was just trying to get through the day and to protect Lisbon's rep.

"What?" Van Pelt asked.

"Jane purposely called you over and said that so he could escape without giving me an answer," Rigsby finally said. "Though, I wouldn't mind going out to dinner...if you'd like."

"I don't know," Van Pelt said.

"Come on, just dinner. No one else has to know."

"Separate cars?"

"Sure."

Jane smiled as he continued pretending to sleep. This was definitely a good position to listen to the world around him. It was also a sanctuary that had yet to fail him.

"Where's Jane?" Lisbon's voice spoke up.

"On the couch," Cho said.

"Jane!"

"He's sleeping," Cho told her.

"No he's not," Lisbon argued.

Silence.

"I know well enough to know that you aren't sleeping," Lisbon whispered into his ear.

Jane smiled wider. "Are you remembering me?" Jane asked quietly as he opened his eyes. "Putting those pieces together?"

"Something like that."

He watched as Lisbon straightened up and he sat up in turn. He noticed that Cho was watching him from the desk and that Rigsby and Van Pelt had walked out and where watching as well. Oh well, maybe there was nothing you could do about rumors flying through CBI. All he knew was that he'd tried to stop it from happening.

"You should know then that it's my daily naptime," Jane lied.

"Liar," she murmured.

"You seem awfully confidant."

"Because I know you," Lisbon argued.

"Do you?"

...............................

TBC...


	11. A Warning?

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 11 – "A Warning?"**

**Author's Note: **Comic Con was great! I'm in Wyoming and missing watching The Mentalist...it does help with the writing when I get to watch the show.

............................

"_If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible __warning__."_

– _Catherine Aird_

**CBI Headquarters**

"This is really good," Rigsby said as he continued to eat the Chinese food directly from its box.

"Didn't I tell you it would be?" Van Pelt asked and shook her head.

Rigsby just continued to eat.

Cho was silent as he ate.

Jane looked over to Lisbon. She seemed happy. He was happy for it. It had been a few days since they'd had their odd day. Lisbon still didn't quite remember him, but he was okay with that. Things seemed to be oddly falling back into place.

"We've got a case," Lisbon announced. "Minnelli said that he has to make a call down to the local police office and then we'll leave."

"A case?" Van Pelt asked.

"What kind?" Rigsby and Cho asked in unison quickly.

He wasn't sure about this. Jane didn't feel like they were that ready. After all, Lisbon wasn't quite Lisbon yet. Sure, she remembered the important police stuff like procedure and how to shoot a gun, but there was still something off and he worried about her going into the field too soon.

"Something tastes different about this," Van Pelt said.

"I was just going to say that," Lisbon agreed.

Jane just ate his own. Van Pelt and Lisbon had ordered the same item, but Jane kept an eye on them...there was something about the occasional face Lisbon kept making that made him worry. He quickly noticed that Van Pelt was making the same one. "Is it bad? Like food poisoning bad?"

"It's just...like they added an extra ingredient or something," Lisbon said. "It's probably something you have to get used to eating."

"Like cabbage," Rigsby spoke up.

"Right," Jane said. He repeated, but did so reluctantly and quietly. "Like cabbage."

..........................

**Hospital**

"It has to be a coincidence," Rigsby insisted.

"No such thing," Jane told him.

"I know, but this time...this time, it's a coincidence..." Rigsby told him.

"It does prove that the blindness wasn't from Lisbon's injury," Cho spoke up.

"Red John," Jane said and then was quickly quiet when he saw a doctor approaching. His stomach twisted. They'd only said they couldn't see, there was no reason to think there was something more serious, but Jane couldn't help but let his mind wander to that dark corner.

"Jane, not everything ends up leading us back to Red John."

"This time it does," Jane said and then got to his feet when the doctor got closer. "How are they?" he asked as calmly as he could manage.

"They're going to be okay, right?" Rigsby asked, his tone conveying his worry as he got to his feet quickly alongside Jane.

"So far," the doctor started. "We don't see what's causing the blindness. It's similar to when Agent Lisbon was originally brought in." He paused for a moment. "You said they were eating before this happened...what did they have?"

"We all had Chinese," Rigsby said.

"They both had the same thing though," Cho pointed out.

"That's true," Jane said. "They also said it tasted a bit different."

"But we always get food from there," Rigsby defended.

"I'm still going to do a full blood workup on both of them to look for toxins just in case," the doctor informed them. "You'll be able to see them in a few minutes. I'll have a nurse come out and take you to them once they're settled in rooms."

"We can't take them home?" Rigsby asked.

Jane could hear his concern. He was concerned as well. After all, they'd found Lisbon blind, but now it had happened right in front of their eyes and it hadn't just been Lisbon either. This time Van Pelt had been affected as well. Everything was so confusing.

He knew it was Red John.

It had to be Red John, but why would he target Van Pelt and Lisbon? He'd thought that he was only after Lisbon. Sure, he liked Van Pelt and would try to protect her if he could, but it wasn't the same as he felt for Lisbon. He loved Teresa Lisbon, romantically.

"Not just yet, I want to keep an eye on them both for an hour or so before releasing them," the doctor announced.

"But you think it's temporary like before, right?" Jane asked after a few moments.

"I believe so, yes."

.................................

**En Route to CBI Headquarters**

"I don't know why you're so quiet," Rigsby said. "They're being taken to CBI, we're not going to lose track of them."

"Rigsby," Jane spoke up. "Where are they?"

"With Cho."

"Where's Cho?"

"In the other vehicle."

"Understand?" Jane asked.

"Oh."

"Obviously you do now," Jane said. "Look, I'm all for protecting Lisbon and Van Pelt, but we can't do that if we're separated."

"You're right," Rigsby said.

And he knew he was. Jane stared out the passenger window with a deep frown locked in place. He hadn't even been given time to talk to Lisbon. Everyone had been huddled in the double occupancy room that she and Van Pelt shared. He felt like he needed to warn her.

He'd warned her before.

It hadn't gotten him anywhere.

Jane didn't care, though. He wouldn't allow for Red John to hurt her. At least at the moment she was okay, just temporarily blinded...again. What could he do? How could he make it better? Jane couldn't think of a productive way in which to tackle the Red John problem.

"How do we protect them from Red John if he can get to them in CBI?" Rigsby asked, breaking the silence.

"I don't know... I don't know..."

.............................

**CBI Headquarters**

"How could this have happened?!" Minnelli went on.

Jane had tried to ignore him, but the fact that he was loud was starting to get hard to ignore. Jane wasn't sure if he was pissed off by the fact that Lisbon and Van Pelt were now temporarily blind, the fact that it happened there, or the fact that it still seemed purposely done. Jane had thought that he'd been vocal enough already on the fact that Red John wasn't going to just stop.

"I think a better question is why we're surprised," Jane spoke up.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm serious," Jane told them. Everyone was staring at him now. He didn't care. "How long until Red John comes after Cho or Rigsby? He's doing this on purpose. He's doing this to come after me." Jane got up, sick of the stupidity of the whole situation. This wasn't going to help anything. Talking wasn't going to help Lisbon and Van Pelt. Talking wasn't going to stop Red John. They were being idle. Idle.

Jane headed out of CBI and towards his car. He wasn't sure where he was going, but he knew he was going to go somewhere. Jane felt a hundred thoughts going through his head a minute and he was trying to figure out which thought to follow with.

What was most important now?

That seemed to be the most important question.

Jane didn't think that anyone else cared or even was considering the question except him.

Rigsby was most likely just wanting to kill Red John, not thinking about important questions like he was. Rigsby was just angry because Van Pelt had been targeted and rightly so. Jane didn't find anything that Rigsby felt at the moment wrong in any way. He thought that it was all completely justified.

...............................

**Hospital**

"I don't know what to do," Van Pelt said honestly.

"The doctors suggested to do what you normally do," Jane told her. He had sat in the parking lot for a while before Rigsby came out. They'd driven to the hospital together to check in on Lisbon and Van Pelt.

"I don't know how to do that without being able to see."

"Just think of it like working in the dark," Lisbon suggested.

"I turn on lights at home," Van Pelt told her.

"You never just walk around your house in the dark?" Rigsby questioned.

"No."

"Well, then it's going to be a bit harder for you," Jane told her. He patted Rigsby on the shoulder. "But then that's why Rigsby here is going to be a perfect gentleman and escort you home and stay with you."

"I don't need a babysitter," Van Pelt argued.

"Oh no, not a babysitter," Jane corrected. "Rigsby will do whatever you wanted. More like a slave than a babysitter."

"Thanks," Rigsby said.

Jane just smiled and then held out his hand for Lisbon and let it fall to her arm. "I was hoping you'd let me escort you home," Jane offered. Of course, he had wanted to do the same as Rigsby. Stay with Lisbon. Show her that he was trustworthy. Hope that she remembered. Wait for whatever was impeding her vision to wear off. He far preferred having Lisbon where she could see, it made him feel a bit more confidant that she would return to his normal Lisbon soon enough.

"Slave or babysitter?" Lisbon questioned with a smile.

"I was hoping to go with company rather than those options."

"I suppose that could work."

"I was hoping you'd say that," Jane said and moved his hand slowly down her arm to her hand and laced his fingers through hers. He stood nearby to make sure she got down from the hospital bed she was sitting on fine. She did. He still felt the need to play guide.

"Why didn't I get those options?" Rigsby asked.

"It's better this way," Jane told him. "Trust me." He smirked and then led Lisbon out of the room. He took the opportunity to move his hand from hers and move it to her back, in more of the guide position.

"Why do I think that you're just trying to set them up?" Lisbon asked.

"Probably because I am."

"Why not just let it play out?"

"Really?" Jane asked. He smiled at her and pulled her a bit closer as they made their way out of the hospital. "They've been like this for months... Everyone knows it. They even know it. They're just afraid."

"Regulations—"

"The regulations are part of it," Jane admitted. "It's stupid. Regulations shouldn't matter when two people love each other."

"They're there for a reason," Lisbon argued.

Jane stopped and turned to her, and in turn turned her towards him. "You don't think that two people who are in a romantic relationship can work together and not let it interfere with their job?"

"No."

"How is that different from two people who aren't in a relationship, but still love each other? Rigsby would give his life for Grace either way. He'd go to hell and back for her whether she admits to him that she loves him and says to hell with CBI. Either way, he loves her and would do anything," Jane said. "I don't see why regulations should get in the way."

"Maybe they're just a special case."

"I think you're just being difficult." They started to walk again, Jane leading her. Outside, he didn't want her to accidently walk in front of a moving vehicle or anything. "I think that you don't want to admit that maybe I'm right."

"Maybe I don't. So what."

"So, maybe you should at least consider it."

"Why?"

"Because it would make me happy."

"And you think that's what I live for?" Lisbon said sarcastically. "Making Patrick Jane happy?"

He smiled. "I think so."

"Great." Lisbon motioned randomly with her arms. "Add that to my title."

"It's too long," he teased.

............................................

**CBI Headquarters**

"I don't understand why you wanted to come back so badly tonight," Jane complained as he and Lisbon made their way towards her office. "Whatever it is, it'll be there in the morning." Lisbon's vision had returned on the drive to her house, but before they could arrive at their destination, she'd asked to return to CBI. Jane had tried to ask her what she needed so badly, but she just had said it was important and that she needed it.

Since it didn't seem like they were going to hang around, he'd agreed to it. It frankly scared the hell out of him that Red John could get to Lisbon inside of CBI. How he'd done so was cleaver, but it still had him worried. If Red John could get Lisbon there, then it would stand to reason that he could get to them anywhere.

Lisbon shook her head and reached behind her to the doorknob on the door as she stared at him. "I don't know why you have to be so nosey all the time. I said I needed something. Either figure it out with your psychic senses or just wait and find out."

Her words weren't harsh, but not kind either. She was exhausted. He didn't blame her for being blunt more than anything else. Lisbon had been through a lot and he could wait a few seconds until she got whatever she needed. "I can do that," Jane told her with a smile. He waited as she pushed in her office door while she continued to stare at him. He took a step in when she did, but stopped when he saw her face.

Lisbon had stopped when she'd seen the side of the room in which her desk sat. He turned his head and stopped too. On the wall, above where the desk and chair were. Red John's calling sign. It was unmistakable. In fresh blood was painted his signature smiley face. He was saying that he could get her anywhere and that he could get inside of CBI to do so.

Jane wanted to scream.

Jane wanted to take her and run.

Jane wanted to know what to do.

Jane wanted to know how to stop him.

He tried to stop for a moment and think. The smiley face staring him in the face was making it difficult, but he did try. Jane put his arm around her and pulled her closer. Even though they were in CBI and it should be safe, Jane felt like Red John could jump out at them anytime.

Keep Lisbon safe.

It was something that seemed like a simple task. To keep the woman he loved safe, but it seemed far more difficult than it was shaping up to be. He loved Teresa Lisbon and even if he hadn't told her it in plain English, he was still determined to keep her safe, even if he had to give his life for hers.

Keep Lisbon safe.

"I need to show you something," Jane said.

"What?"

"Just please trust me."

"Okay," Lisbon responded back quietly.

Trust.

............................................

TBC...


	12. Fear

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 12 – "Fear"**

**Author's Note: **Sadly, back from Wyoming...though I am excited that in a few weeks we will have new Mentalist and I will have the Season One DVDs! Hehehe Also, I've decided already that I'm not going to like this Sam Bosco character that's coming on for parts of Season Two...is that a bit pathetic?

............................

"_You are permitted in time of great danger to walk with the devil until you have crossed the bridge." – Bulgarian proverb_

**Jane Residence**

"Just wait here," Jane instructed.

He normally just didn't bring people there, but as long as he kept Lisbon in the living room then he was sure that things would be fine. As long as she didn't make it up to the bedroom then he didn't fear her finding out about his dark secret. If Lisbon saw, Jane feared that she'd want him to be counseled. He'd been in psychiatric care for long enough. He didn't need it anymore. Right now, he just needed to keep Lisbon and the others safe.

He made his way up to his room and stared at the crimson smiley face on the wall for a while. It had been some time since he'd paused there. He couldn't help it, it made him angry. For the first time, he felt like wiping down the wall. He didn't want the dreadful reminder. He didn't need it. Red John kept reminding him of what he'd done so many years before and what he could easily do to the people he cared about now.

"Jane?"

He turned his head, trying to figure out how far away she was. If she was still waiting where he'd left her or if she was coming up the stairs. He still didn't want her to see. Jane knew that he could explain, but he wasn't sure that she'd understand. He wasn't sure what the consequences of exposing this partial memory Lisbon to what lay inside his bedroom.

"Are you okay?"

She was concerned. He shook his head; it seemed odd for her to be concerned for him when she was the one in obvious danger.

"Just a minute," he called.

Jane proceeded to where he'd hidden away Lisbon's brown leather blood soaked jacket. It was still neatly packed just the way he'd left it. The jacket was still neatly folded inside the brown paper bag as he curled his fingers around the make-shift folded handle and picked it up. He placed a hand under the bag in order to support it.

Carefully and slowly, he made his way down the stairs, leaving the stark reminder of Red John behind him.

"Are you okay?" Lisbon asked, her voice was quiet and gentle.

He didn't look up at her. "No." Jane wondered if he'd been upstairs longer than he'd even realized and that was why she was concerned. Or maybe his face was giving him away. Whatever it was, Jane didn't pay it much mind. Lisbon was important here.

He carried the paper bag to his table and set it down. Jane didn't look up at Lisbon. He unfolded the make-shift handle and then reached inside to retrieve the neatly folded bloodied jacket inside. With one hand, he flattened the paper bag, so that it provided a place mat as he set down the contents. After a moment, he ventured to look at her.

She was just staring.

"This is yours, Lisbon," he said. He stared down at the jacket, he took a moment to unfold it, so that it was displayed how he'd seen it on his bed.

Silence.

Jane looked up at her. Tears were staining her face. He frowned and moved around the table to quickly close the space between them. Reaching up, he placed his hand on her cheek and brushed the dark strands of hair back. "Shh..." he tried. He hated to see women cry and he wasn't sure if he could stand seeing Lisbon cry. He didn't even know if it was because she was scared or in pain. Either way, it clutched at his insides.

"He's not going to hurt you anymore," Jane promised. He placed his other hand on her other cheek and stared right into her eyes. Blue meeting green. "I'm not going to let him." And he wasn't. Jane didn't have a plan, yet, but he'd put one together.

"I'm not worried about me," Lisbon whispered. "This is bigger than me, Jane. This is all of us."

He frowned when her face went down. He wanted to see her, to try to know what she was thinking. To know what was going through her mind. His hands were now just sort of sitting on her shoulders, thrown off from when she'd moved her head. So, he waited.

Eventually, her green eyes appeared again and he waited. Jane wasn't sure how much time had already passed by, but he waited. He wasn't going to push her right now. Lisbon didn't need to be pushed. She was already beyond it and Jane was actually a bit worried now.

"I remember," she whispered, her eyes meeting his.

Jane noticed that the tears were gone, but their trails were still visible on her face. "What do you remember?" he asked gently. At this point, Jane knew that any memory was valuable.

"Being up on that mountain," Lisbon said. "I remember walking towards the tent and being grabbed. The stabs...feeling like I was going to die..."

How she looked at him, it was like she was looking right through him. It scared him a bit. Jane wanted to pull her into his arms right then and there, but kept hold of himself. She didn't sound like she was done, it was just hard for her to convey.

"I watched him paint the face on the tent," Lisbon said and was surprised as well.

Jane knew that he was being messed with now. Red John had spared Lisbon for this very moment; so that she could remember...remember feeling like she was going to die... He didn't wait now; he pulled Lisbon to him, holding her tightly in his arms. Jane didn't want to let her go. He wanted to keep her safe inside of his arms forever.

"He's not going to hurt you anymore," Jane promised.

He had an idea.

.................................  
**  
Midnight**

Jane Residence

Jane had put Lisbon to sleep on the couch downstairs. She'd fallen asleep in his arms and when she'd stirred to tell him she'd go home, he'd shushed her and told her to go back to sleep. He was going to protect her. He didn't need to worry about her moving from his home to hers now.

He'd wondered exactly how to go about this. It was something that he hadn't ever outright tried to try. His method had seemed juvenile, but it was the best one that he could come up with. He'd taken care to pack a few things into his car and then to leave Lisbon a note. He hadn't wanted her to worry. He especially didn't want her going after him.

_Teresa-_

_I know that you said that when we found Red John that he'd see justice, your justice. That isn't an option now. I won't let him take away the only family I have anymore. Please don't look for me. Stay safe._

- Patrick Jane

He knew it wasn't a lot, but he didn't need her to get any clues and come looking for him. What he had to do now, he had to do alone. It wasn't just a matter of honor, but a matter of revenge. Right now, he had to play things out. He'd contacted Red John, he'd go away...so that Lisbon couldn't find him and he was sure that Red John would contact him back.

He knew that he was doing what Red John wanted. He was destroying his life as he knew it, Red John didn't even have to touch him directly to do so. He was leaving behind the woman he'd fallen in love with and those that he'd thought of as dear friends...as family.

He'd play Red John's game...for now.

Jane felt like he'd crossed over to the dark side for some reason as he drove along. He knew that it was silly; it was just a reference that had popped into his head. But unlike Red John, he wouldn't kill innocent people. Red John, on the other hand, was not innocent. If given the chance, he'd kill him with his bare hands. Jane had no qualms with that.

Lisbon would be safe.

Tears cascaded down his face and he tried to wipe them away as he drove. He hated to just leave Lisbon like that. He wanted to be able to ensure she'd be safe. He couldn't do that if he was attempting to meet up with Red John. Of course, for all Jane knew, Red John would kill Lisbon right there in his house like he'd done with his wife and child.

He just had to believe that Lisbon would be safe.

Red John wanted him, right? Everything he'd done so far was just to get him where Red John could get him. He was helping him now. Getting himself away somewhere where he wouldn't be followed. If it meant his own death, then Jane was at peace in the fact that others would be spared. Lisbon. Rigsby. Van Pelt. Cho. They'd all be spared.

Lisbon had once said that she thought that he'd choose life.

He hoped that she didn't remember that.

He hoped she'd allow him to choose death, so that she could live.

He couldn't hold it up anymore. The weight of the world was too much for him to bear. Jane just wanted to give up. Maybe he was a coward because of it, but it felt right. It felt like he was doing something. That he was preventing more death with his. Wasn't that noble? Jane wasn't sure, but he tried to focus on what he needed to do. Where he was going.

He wasn't even sure he knew where he was going.

Jane pushed more tears out of his face. He found himself pulling over to the side of the road. He let his face fall to his hands and just sobbed. He'd finally found life and now he was going to face his own death. His sobs punctured the silence inside of his car. The sound was like thunder piercing a quiet unsuspecting meadow. It was severe and heart breaking.

All he could picture was Lisbon. She'd seemed so odd lately without all her memories and now he was worried for who would look out for her. Who would love her? He wished that he'd been able to give her a proper goodbye, one that she would remember. He hadn't. He was afraid of waking her up and her not letting him leave.

He had to leave though.

He felt like he was abandoning her.

Jane pulled in deep breaths and wiped his face. He needed to move on. To continue with what he was doing. Lisbon could still wake and read his note and put out a BOLO for his car. After all, he didn't quite have the most blending of vehicles. His would be spotted in minutes and he'd be pulled over and detained. He couldn't have that. He couldn't let that happen.

He had to keep going.

Putting his car back into traffic, what bit there was of it on the road, and proceeded towards his destination. The middle of nowhere was the best place, he thought, but he'd pushed it even farther. To another state.

For two reasons.

He knew Red John would be watching and would follow.

CBI wouldn't have jurisdiction outside of California unless invited.

He just hoped that his body wouldn't be found, that would keep the team from looking for him...for fighting for jurisdiction in his case.

Jane just wished them all peace.

Jane hoped that Teresa Lisbon would find someone worthy of her to love.

......................

TBC...


	13. Regrets

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 13 – "Regrets"**

**Author's Note: **My computer has lovingly crashed and will be gone for like two weeks (they so need a "I'm addicted to my laptop" loan service for stuff like that…) Anyways, I am borrowing one, but it doesn't have the updated Word on it, so I'll see how much I can update. I'm getting excited about the new season! I still don't like Sam Bosco.

............................

"_I have always done my duty. I am ready to die. My only regret is for the friends I leave behind me." – Zachary Taylor_

**Unknown Location**

The night had passed and the sun had risen. It was a new day, but Jane didn't feel any better to see the sun rise. He had hoped that Red John would have contacted him…possibly killed him… That all those he cared about were now safe. That the nightmare was over.

The nightmare continued.

This was stupid, he suddenly decided. He'd driven to the middle of nowhere and had expected Red John to show. He hadn't. No one was safe yet. Maybe he'd given Red John too much credit…thought he was too smart…maybe he wasn't. Maybe everything else had been chance…

He couldn't give up quite yet, though.

This was what he needed to do. He'd helped the CBI on cases for some time now, solved murders and saved people. He'd desperately tried to atone for the deaths of his wife and child. And now…he was ready to die. He'd lived his life…until Red John had taken it away and then he'd tried to make up for the fact that it was his fault that they'd been killed… He thought he'd atoned…at least for the time given. He'd tried to straighten his life out.

Yes, there was hatred, anger, pain, and plain revenge that had coated his reasons to join and help the CBI. So, that one day he could come face to face with Red John and kill him with his bear hands.

That was done.

More people were in danger…because of him. People he cared deeply for. He didn't think that they all realized how quite loved they were by him. He held each of them dear. They were a family that he'd never expected to be part of.

And now he was ready to leave them behind, though the sorrow in his heart made it difficult for him to truly admit this. He'd happily be the sacrificial lamb if it would save them all. If it would save her.

Teresa Lisbon.

He'd never expected to love again. He'd never thought it was possible…not emotionally. He'd lost that part of his life and heart and soul he'd thought. He was wrong. His head and heart had conspired against him and had loved her.

Jane just found a spot and sat there. He didn't care about the dirt or any of the plants or bugs. He planned on just sitting there, either Red John would arrive or he'd die. At the moment he didn't care as long as Lisbon was kept safe. He was keeping her safe.

The California sun shone down upon him, and Jane sighed as he just stared at the landscape that surrounded him. It was quiet; somehow it was peaceful even though he was happily there to face death.

He was sure that others would think that he should be committed for such an act, but Jane knew that what he was doing was the only logical thing that could be done. Jane didn't care if he had to sit there all day and endure the harsh California sun and heat before Red John finally showed up.

And so he sat.

And sat.

The sun set high in the sky and then descended down, but the temperature didn't drop much. It was quite comfortable as soon as the sun had finally set and darkness had crept truly in. The sweat that had accumulated was now cooling and he was feeling a bit more relaxed. Jane felt like taking a nap…but he didn't want to. He didn't want to have Red John creep up on him and kill him without any confrontation.

……………….

"Jane?"

"Is he okay?"

"He's breathing…"

"Maybe he's had a breakdown."

The voices made him frown and then cringe. He knew the voices and yet he felt a bit insulted. Jane's eyes opened and then closed immediately at the glaring white lights that shone into his eyes. After a moment, he attempted it again, this time putting his hand up to shade his vision.

They'd found him.

They weren't supposed to.

"Jane?"

It was her voice again, laced with concern. He could see her clearer now. He wanted to yell at her and shake her. She had to have seen his note, why had she come looking for him? He'd wanted her to stay safe. This wasn't safe.

"Jane? Are you okay?" Lisbon asked with concern.

He stared at her, her emerald eyes were quite concerned with him. "No," he said, just so she could hear. Her face was a relief, though. She was alive, though he was afraid that Red John could easily take them all down if he wanted…Jane was sure of that.

"Are you hurt?" she asked.

Her hands were suddenly all over him, searching him. Jane pulled it breath. He just continued to stare at her until he got out the words. "I'm not hurt," he whispered to her.

"Boss, we should get out of here," Cho spoke up.

"I agree," Rigsby said as he walked over to Jane and offered his hand.

Jane took Rigsby's offered hand and got up into a straightened form. "It's not safe," Jane told Lisbon as he continued to stare at her. He was afraid if he took his eyes off of her that she'd be gone.

"I still agree."

Lisbon's arm snaked around him and he was lead back towards the bright lights where the dark SUV was still running. She still looked worried. "Are you okay?" Jane asked her. He wanted to tell her to leave him there, to keep her safe.

"I'm fine," she told him as she stopped to look at him curiously. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Red John."

"I was going to save the lecture for the ride home, but I can start now," Lisbon told him. "What the hell is your problem?!" she asked, her arms jutting out to her sides. "You come out here to confront Red John…and for what? To get yourself killed?"

"That was the general idea," Jane told her matter of factly.

Jane swore that everyone let out a frustrated sigh in unison at his comment.

"You're childish, you know that? And stupid and selfish!" Lisbon yelled at him. "You could have gotten yourself killed!"

Jane just smiled at her. She was angry with him, her green eyes were lighting up with her emotions. He smiled wider when she looked even more frustrated at his amusement in her anger.

"What?" Lisbon demanded.

"You're back!"

"I didn't go anywhere."

"You did," Jane insisted.

"He's right," Rigsby agreed.

Lisbon's features turned to portray even more frustration and she turned to Van Pelt. "Forget it, let's leave him here."

"Hey!" Jane shouted, but was excited to have Lisbon back.

The ride back was quiet. He rode back in the SUV with Cho and Lisbon. He rode in the back and found himself regretting going back with them. Van Pelt and Rigsby were following behind them. He just didn't like it. There was something very wrong; he just couldn't put his finger on it.

"You're being too quiet," Lisbon pointed out.

"Enjoy it while it lasts," Cho whispered.

"I heard that," Jane told him.

"I figured."

Jane beamed, but something deep inside of him told him that something was horribly wrong. His face fell again and he couldn't help but stare towards Lisbon. Her eyes were straight ahead on the road even though she was riding in the passenger seat. Habit, he figured. He still worried for her. For all of them, but especially for her.

"Stop the car," he found himself saying.

The car didn't stop.

"What?" Lisbon asked as she turned in her seat to look back at him. Their eyes locked.

"Stop."

"We're not stopping," Lisbon told him simply.

"Please stop," Jane pleaded.

Her head turned back to him again and he could see her eyes softening. Her mouth opened, but before the words could emerge, the car spoke first. Screeching and glass breaking. Metal bending and compacting. The actions that came after seemed to happen in slow motion. Their car hit the car in front of them, the one with Van Pelt and Rigsby. Then the windshield cracked and he could see both Cho and Lisbon's heads forced forward and blood. Blood. He was thrashed about next and blackness soon enveloped him.

………………………….

**Unknown Location  
**  
"His vital are good."

"He was belted in."

The voices were unfamiliar and swam around him.

"There's another ambulance on its way. The other two were more seriously injured."

It felt like a dream except he couldn't see any of it, he could only hear. It was frustrating. Why would he dream blind? Jane sucked in breath and concentrated for a moment. He hurt…

Why did he hurt?

"Jane! Jane!"

The voice. He knew that voice. Lisbon's voice. Panicked and worried.

"You have to stay back, Ma'am. The medic needs you to stay seated until the next bus gets here."

"Jane!" she called again. "Is he okay?"

Why did she need to sit? Jane fought with consciousness. He remembered now. They'd been in a car accident. Both cars had collided. What had they hit?...

He didn't remember them slowing or speeding up. Just the crashing.

Red John.

Trap.

Red John.

His eyes snapped open and Jane sat up straight from where he'd been laid out. He searched frantically for Lisbon as he was restrained. "Get your hands off of me!" he shouted to the medic. "Lisbon!" he called. She'd called for him; he knew she couldn't be far away. "Lisbon!"

"Jane!" she called back.

He heard her but he didn't see her. The damned medic was making sure that he stay still and he'd be damned if he remained like that. Police lights were everywhere. He turned his head to see the wrecks. The front SUV was crumpled front and back while the one he'd been traveling in was only crumpled in the front. He didn't miss the blood he could see in the front seat. Panic stemmed through him and he forced the medic to let him sit up and he searched for Lisbon. Uniforms had swarmed the scene as he sought her out.

"Lisbon!" he called again.

"Please, Sir, you need to stay still," the medic informed him.

"I need to find my friends," Jane informed him; he was trying to be reasonable. He figured that it may help him to get what he wanted that way.

"They're at the fire truck. The medic there is looking after them. Two others were already taken to the hospital," the medic informed him. "You weren't awake, we weren't sure of your injuries."

"I'm fine," Jane lied. He hurt like hell, but nothing seemed broken or bleeding.

Someone was definitely bleeding though.

"I'm fine!"

The medic helped him up and guided him towards where one of the fire trucks was parked. He noticed Cho and Lisbon immediately and then realized that Van Pelt and Rigsby had to have been the ones who had already been transported. "Lisbon!" he shouted. He was now even more frantic seeing them. Cho's head was wrapped in gauze and blood was seeping through. One of his arms was also immobilized in a sling. Lisbon was being treated as he was brought forward.

"He wouldn't sit still," the medic explained to the other medic.

"That usually means he's feeling fine," Cho spoke up.

"Sounds like you're okay, too," Jane spoke before moving from the medic's grip and towards Lisbon. He tilted his head, so that his eyes met with hers. "You okay?"

"I'm fine."

It was a lie. Her face had several little cuts along with a gash on the right hand side and that was only what he could see. She didn't sound one hundred percent.

"Rigsby? Van Pelt?" he moved on.

"They're pretty bad," Lisbon said calmly at first. "They weren't conscious…"

He didn't miss how her voice broke. Tears couldn't be hidden as they cascaded down her cheeks. "They're fighters. They're going to be fine," he found himself saying. It was true. He wanted to calm her, though.

"Jane's right."

"I know," Lisbon said and tried to fight past the medic's busy hands to wipe her face.

"You okay?"

"They're only taking us to the hospital as a precaution. Minelli's orders."

"I actually need it," Cho spoke up. "My arm may be broken."

Jane frowned as he looked between them. "What did we hit?"

"The other vehicle," Cho said and then pointed to the scene. "We're not sure who the other vehicle hit."

"They're not here?" Jane asked and turned and suddenly noticed that there was no other car in sight.

"No."

"It was Red John."

There was silence for a moment as Jane stared at the scene.

"I know," was whispered.

He looked back at Lisbon, who the response had come from.

"We can't be sure, Boss," Cho argued.

"I heard something," Lisbon whispered.

"You hit your head pretty hard," the medic supplied.

"He said Dumar," Lisbon argued.

Dumar.

Jane just stared at her.

………………………………………..

TBC…


	14. Dei Gratia

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 14 – "Dei Gratia"**

**Author's Note: **Since the second season is officially about to start on Thursday, I figured I'd throw this up before hand. If I'm really good you'll get two chapters before Thursday…lol

............................

"_Faith is a living and unshakable confidence, a belief in the grace of God so assured that a man would die a thousand deaths for its sake." – Martin Luther_

**Hospital Room**

Alive.

They were alive.

By the grace of God.

Jane sat there helpless.

Now that they were in the hospital, there was nothing that he could do. Minelli had already arranged for guards to stand outside each and every one of their rooms. There was no escaping. They'd put him, Cho, and Lisbon in the same ambulance together since none of them were critically injured, but Jane worried…about Lisbon. His heart ached for news on Rigsby and Van Pelt. All he knew was that they were both in surgery.

And so he sat there. It was worse than being in the middle of nowhere. He was surrounded by pain and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. Minelli had ensured that he wouldn't be able to leave for any reason other than needing surgery and being moved to the operation rooms. He didn't need surgery though. He'd been lucky.

He didn't feel lucky.

That's what everyone had told him. That he'd been lucky. He didn't see how that was reassuring at all. Why couldn't anyone else be the lucky one? He was fine with the storm cloud over his head for the remainder of his life. Let someone else be lucky.

The door opened and his head snapped up in hope of Lisbon.

Doctor.

Damn.

"Mr. Jane, you're very lucky…"

Very lucky, here we go again.

"It could have been a lot worse. You're going to want to keep your face clean to keep those cuts from being infected. The bruise from the seat belt is just that, you haven't broken any ribs," the doctor went on as he snapped an x-ray into a light box on the wall revealing all bones intact.

"Does that mean I can leave?" Jane asked. He figured that the doctor had to be going somewhere with this news. He just hoped that it was in the direction that he wanted it to go.

"No."

"You just said I was fine."

"I did," the doctor agreed.

"Last time I checked that meant that you let patients go to make room for people who really needed this space," Jane said getting up from the table.

"The police have asked for you and your friends to remain in your rooms."

"Can't we bunk up or something?" Jane asked. "This room has at least enough space for two other people. I'm going to go crazy just sitting in here doing nothing."

It was the truth.

He couldn't believe that he was spatting such truth at this random doctor, but he had. It had been what was in his heart and what he needed to get out. That was what he wanted. Lisbon and Cho, though he'd settle for just Lisbon. He wanted to hold her, though he knew that he couldn't.

"I'll see what I can do."

And with that, he was gone.

………………………………

**Five Hours Later…**

**Hospital Room**

His request had been approved by Minelli. It had shocked the hell out of him when Lisbon and Cho had been brought in and instructed to stay put with him. Cho had seemed as agitated as he had been before they'd arrived. He didn't blame him. Lisbon, however, was quiet and still. She followed the doctor's orders and laid down on one of the empty beds.

"She okay?" Jane asked quietly as he approached Cho, his eyes staying on Lisbon as her eyes closed.

"She panicked when they tried to look her over," Cho said calmly. "The doctors gave her a mild sedative to keep her calm."

"Why?"

"The nurse that was with me said something about there being a new nurse in there and how she'd have to talk to him about restraining patients," Cho responded. "Something made her snap. I guess that was it."

Jane frowned. "She's okay…physically though, right?"

"As far as I know."

He moved away from the door where Cho was standing vigil, staring out the window. Jane wasn't sure if he was waiting for word on Van Pelt and Rigsby or if he was just trying to catch sight of Minelli. He really didn't care right now.

Lisbon's head had gauze wrapped around it and her face was speckled with dried blood where the glass shards had cut her skin. He noticed her arm, her shirt's sleeve had been removed and about five inches from the shoulder down on her arm was wrapped up neatly. None of them had gotten a change of clothes yet. Mainly it was due to the fact that they were all being held prisoner in the hospital.

He sat down on the edge of the bed Lisbon was lying on. He stared down at her and found her green eyes opening to look into his eyes. "You okay?" he asked quietly.

"The doctor said that he's not sure if they're going to make it," she whispered.

She was worried.

He didn't blame her.

He was worried.

This was his family. He couldn't lose Rigsby and Van Pelt. CBI didn't deserve to lose them either. They couldn't die…not yet…not before they both finally admitted what truly lay in their hearts. Jane looked away from her. He could feel the heavy tears in his eyes trying to fall of their own accord.

"He said Dumar… I heard him, Jane. I'm positive."

Her voice was soft, calm, and yet confident. She knew what she was saying. She was firm in her belief that she'd heard Red John. He didn't know why he wouldn't have heard it.

"Dumar's dead, Lisbon," Jane pointed out.

"I know," she whispered. "But he was close to Red John. He's coming after us for revenge…"

"He was already coming after me," Jane told her. "I killed Dumar."

"When we were in the basement of that farm," Lisbon told him, staring right at him. "He gave us the chance to give up. He said that Red John would make it quick…that we wouldn't suffer…"

"You think that Red John is doing this as punishment…this is our suffering?" Jane asked, amazed at what Lisbon was saying. Not only was he floored at the fact that she was making the theory, but also at the fact that she thought that it was so sound.

It couldn't be.

His vision suddenly blurred and his heart started to pound as his brain raced. It was like every memory that involved Red John and any Red John-related cases came flooding back through his brain in one fluid motion. It was almost like having his life flash before his eyes. The tears rolled from his eyes, down his cheeks, and landed on her.

"Oh my God…" Jane whispered.

Jane's thoughts were suddenly cancelled when Lisbon's hand against his face jolted him from those thoughts. She was right. Lisbon was absolutely right.

What was the one thing in the world currently that he loved the most?

Teresa Lisbon. Whether she knew it or not, she was the current love of his life. He'd just admitted it to himself, so how did Red John even know? Or was it merely because that was the person in CBI he was closest to? Lisbon was able to read him and see through his cloak and dagger tricks.

Red John had been making him suffer. It had been horrendous and cruel. It had been like being killed over and over again. He wished it was him, though… He hated that it was Lisbon involved as Red John's victim.

"Jane?"

Silence.

"Jane?"

His head turned to her. It was like the world had been cleared and all confusion had been lifted. It was almost dazzling in the beauty of the clearness of it all. "I'm sorry…"

"Rigsby and Van Pelt are going to be okay," Lisbon told him.

His eyes fell to her hand that had moved, she was holding onto the cross pendant she wore. She had faith that their two friends would pull through. Jane just wondered if her faith was enough for what they were facing…for what they'd be facing… Would her faith keep her alive?

He'd die a thousand agonizing deaths happily if only to keep her safe.

"This is my fault," he whispered.

She pulled him to her, and he allowed it. His head rested against her shoulder and the upper half of his body reclined onto the bed. He couldn't relax though. He felt an arm keep him in place and her forehead pressed against his.

"This isn't your fault," she whispered.

He closed his eyes and let tears fall silently. He just listened to her breathe and savored the small reward of her touch and presence. It allowed him to remember that she was alive. Red John hadn't succeeded in killing her. Lisbon was strong and she remembered…she was there.

……………………………….

**The Next Morning…**

**Hospital Room**

"They're in the ICU," the doctor reported. "The next forty-eight hours are critical."

It was the basic stuff that doctors said. Jane swore that he'd heard that same speech from an episode of "ER" or perhaps it was from another show. It always seemed like forty-eight hours was the favorite timeframe to give people in everything… Life, death, kidnapping…

"We should have woken her up," Cho told Jane.

"Let her sleep," Jane told him. He looked back over his shoulder to check to make sure she was still fast asleep. They'd kept the lights off and kept their voices down in order to allow her to continue to rest. The doctors still weren't sure if she had a concussion. Jane was still shocked that they'd declared Cho concussion-free even with his beautiful head injury.

"She would have wanted to know."

"She will. Her being awake isn't going to change anything, but her knowing the information a bit sooner."

"I wish they'd let us out," Cho said watching.

They'd been Minelli watching all morning, but he hadn't walked by. He wasn't sure if there was a plan in place. He just figured there'd be pounding on the door and yelling. After all, no one ever wanted a commotion in a hospital.

"You still think this is all connected to Red John, don't you?" Cho asked after several minutes of silence between them.

Jane turned to Cho. "Who else could it be?"

"You're that sure?"

"Absolutely," Jane told him.

Cho just nodded in response.

Silence passed between them again for some time before anyone spoke.

"I heard what you and Lisbon said last night," Cho said. "About Dumar…but then wouldn't they have targeted our vehicle?"

Jane shrugged. "Maybe he thought that he'd kill one of us before he wanted it done. Doing this…it's more painful when people you care about are seriously injured. When part of your family is hanging by a thread…"

Cho just stared at him.

"What? Is it that horrible that I consider Rigsby and Van Pelt family?" Jane asked.

"What about me and Lisbon?" Cho questioned.

"I feel like you're all my family," Jane admitted levelly as he stared at Cho before looking over his shoulder towards where Lisbon lay.

"Maybe that's dangerous, not sure I like it."

"Noted," Jane said simply before letting out a sigh and returning to Lisbon's bedside. It was already ten in the morning, but Jane hadn't seen any harm in letting her sleep later.

………………………….

**An Hour Later…**

**Hospital Room**

Minelli had been kind enough to bring them various books, magazines, movies, and foodstuffs to keep them in the room for a while longer. Of course, he'd ignored their requests to be allowed to leave citing that this was safer for them all.

"Has there been any word?"

Her voice was barely a whisper, but it had caught his attention. He pulled his gaze away from the book he'd been reading and to her. She still looked like she was stuck in a sleepy fog, but her green eyes were open and staring back at him. Jane closed the book on his lap and reached out to move hair out of her face.

"They're in ICU," Jane told her. "The doctors just say that we have to wait… That the next two days are critical."

"When did the doctor come by?" she questioned.

"A couple of hours ago."

Lisbon sat up. "You should have woken me."

"I said that," Cho spoke up from where he continued to look out the door's window.

"It wouldn't have done any good," Jane countered. "You needed the rest."

"Must be the drugs they gave me last night," Lisbon muttered.

Jane tilted his head as he studied her. A nurse had already been by to change her bandages. He still didn't understand how Cho had gotten away with no fun gauze pad stuck around his head once they'd gotten to the hospital. "Maybe it was just because it was what you needed." After a moment, he asked quietly. "Why did they sedate you?" He'd gotten Cho's version but he didn't know if it was the accurate version of events.

"They were trying to hold me down to stitch up my head," Lisbon started. "My arm started to hurt…I looked up and thought I saw Dumar… I guess I struggled too much."

"You screamed and yelled too," Cho offered.

He watched as Lisbon frowned, but Jane just smiled down at her. "Well, you're safe… Minelli is holding us captive in this room until he sees fit. It'd be nice if he brought us some clothes, though…"

"Agreed," she said as she rubbed her face with her hands.

"Maybe he'll listen to you," Jane offered hopefully.

"Doubt it," Cho said.

……………………………….

TBC…


	15. Relief is Not Possible

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment  
**Author:** Shannon - shannyfish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.  
**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 15 – "Relief is Not Possible"**

**Author's Note: **So, my laptop has been in the shop for a month now. My boyfriend was kind enough to buy me a new computer (a Mac and it's pink! yay!). Obviously the service center is not concerned about my readers…or my sanity, which is so wrong. I absolutely adore "Red Badge," and hopefully everyone enjoys this long coming installment! Any odd formatting I blame on this new application! LOL! Hopefully this doesn't come out as scatterbrained as I currently feel…if it does, I'll re-write!

............................

"_Sorrow comes to all...Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better and yet you are sure to be happy again."– Abraham Lincoln_

**Hospital**

Minelli had released the lock down and they were free to leave, though he was having them all followed. But none of them were ready to leave yet. They were awaiting the time where they could go in and see Van Pelt and Rigsby. They were both still in the ICU and still unconscious. Jane felt horrible. This was all his fault. Not only Van Pelt and Rigsby, but Cho and Lisbon as well.

"Minelli says we're off the Red John case…for now," Lisbon said quietly.

He'd been standing outside of the ICU room that both Van Pelt and Rigsby were located in, his eyes staring through the glass. "None of it matters," Jane found himself saying. It was true, but it wasn't. The only thing that currently mattered was that everyone was safe, that everyone pulled through. Rigsby and Van Pelt needed to be released from the hospital and Lisbon needed to be kept safe. He wasn't too worried about Cho. Cho always seemed able to take care of himself.

"It's probably for the best, Jane," she told him.

"I know."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Jane said and turned towards her. She looked like hell. "I won't allow you to end up injured because of me."

"Jane—"

"Don't argue," he told her a bit angrily. "We would have never gotten into that accident if I hadn't run off to let Red John kill me. Rigsby and Van Pelt wouldn't be laying there barely hanging on if I hadn't been so stupid."

"You don't know that."

"I do."

Lisbon sighed and looked down.

"You know that it wasn't Dumar in the ER, Lisbon," he said quietly. He'd been worrying about her. When she'd first said that she'd heard the name 'Dumar' and then coupled with her freaking out in the ER because she thought she'd seen him, Jane knew to be worried. He didn't doubt that she heard the name. Red John was most likely coming after them in revenge for Dumar's death.

"I know that," Lisbon said quietly. "And now I feel stupid about earlier…"

"Don't worry about it. You'll probably never see those nurses or doctors again," Jane told her. "And plus, you'd lost blood and I'm pretty sure being in a car accident and being scared is a good reason to freak out on someone."

She just stared at him.

"I want both of you out of here," Minelli's voice interrupted them from behind.

"I'd rather wait until they wake up," Lisbon argued as she turned towards Minelli.

"You both need sleep, I have officers standing by to escort you both home."

"Jane won't stay there," Lisbon said quickly and pointed back at him.

He didn't argue. She was right. Jane just stayed silent and waited for Minelli's orders. He really didn't want to be separated from Lisbon, but he wasn't sure if she'd go for allowing him to sleep on her couch again…though it was a better option than her sleeping at his place.

"He will if there's an officer outside," Minelli said.

"Like that's going to stop me," Jane teased with a smile. He looked over to Lisbon. "I say we have a sleep over."

"Excuse me," Lisbon said confused suddenly.

"I'll sleep on your couch," Jane told her. "That way you can watch me and Minelli can have an officer outside. It's a win-win situation."

"Lisbon?" Minelli asked.

"It's fine," she said with a sigh.

"It will be less personnel," Minelli conceded. "Officer Daniels is going to escort you both to Lisbon's then. He'll stay on until the morning and will be replaced by Anders." He waved the officer over.

…………………………

**Lisbon's Residence**

"I saw it you know," Lisbon said as she dropped her keys.

"Saw what?" Jane asked. He knew she was exhausted. So far, she had only been making some sense, but not as much as she normally meant.

"You never had Red John's calling sign washed off of your wall," Lisbon accused. "I went upstairs to make sure that you weren't up there still…"

Jane was upset but also ashamed. She probably thought that he was insane. He was surprised that she hadn't said anything to Minelli either. It had been something that he'd kept to remind him of Red John, what Red John had done to his life…to his family, and as a reminder of what could happen to others. It was part of his need for revenge.

"It has to be hard," she said quietly. "Living there…especially with that reminder."

She definitely thought that he was insane. He slept in the same room that his wife and child were killed along with his calling card kept on the wall in their blood. Jane didn't have to ask her, he knew what she thought. The look in her eyes, her expression…but she wasn't lecturing or harsh…she was softening…somehow. He didn't respond though. He just stared back at her.

He watched a frown develop on her face, like she was concerned about hurting him. Jane didn't understand why she worried so much… Lisbon had seemed softer towards him somehow since she had started to remember. At least she'd seemed to have remembered life before. He wasn't sure how to respond to her, so instead he changed the subject and hoped that she'd humor him. "How are you feeling?"

The look she gave him conveyed to him that she really wasn't pleased, but she responded just the same.

"I've been better," Lisbon told him. "Look, if you don't want to talk about Red John--" She turned to leave, but didn't get far.

"Lisbon," Jane said as he reached out and grabbed her arm. It wasn't like that at all and he struggled to keep his emotions in check and to figure out the correct words. "I don't…" He paused and tried to control his emotions. It felt like he'd been doing nothing but acting out of emotions for some time. His heart had been in overdrive in protection mode. His heart had been in overdrive in other areas as well… Teresa Lisbon, the woman his heart had allowed for him to love… His life had been shaken upside down and now he felt like what he was about to say was going to shake it all the more…and shake hers as well. He hadn't wanted to tell her. Jane doubted she felt the same way. Sure, she put up with him, but that wasn't love. "I don't want to lose you like I lost them…" he managed to get out, though his voice was soft and quiet. His eyes were on her, watching and waiting.

"What?" she whispered back.

He could hear shock and confusion in her voice and he wasn't surprised. After all, he just compared her to his wife and child, who had been the two sole diamonds in his world before her. "Never mind," he whispered back and looked away from her. He didn't want to dwell on it. It wasn't important right now. He moved into Lisbon's space further and looked around. "It's okay if I sleep on the couch again, right?" he asked and looked over his shoulder at her. She hadn't moved and was looking back at him oddly.

"What do you mean, Jane?"

He knew what she meant, but Jane pretended that she was actually referring to his previous question. "The couch. I can take it, right?"

"Don't play these games with me," she said.

Jane just stared back at her and then frowned when her hand went up to her head and her eyes closed. Something was wrong. He waited for a second and when she didn't continue with her frustrations, he moved to her with concern. "Lisbon?"

"My head just hurts," she told him. "You can sleep on the couch, that's fine," she added after a moment and moved past him.

"Lisbon."

She didn't stop though and he worried. Not only for her health, but for her feelings as well. He hadn't meant to upset her. Jane didn't want to come out and tell her things that he was still discovering. Now was not the time for that. There would be time later…he hoped at least.

"Lisbon."

He followed her to her bedroom and watched as she climbed into bed and pulled a blanket around her. He suddenly realized that if he was quiet he could hear her crying ever so softly. If he knew Lisbon, she was hoping that he'd give up and leave her alone. He wasn't going to do that. Not when she was in pain or hurt. Jane ventured into the bedroom and approached slowly. He wanted to be able to make a quick retreat if necessary.

"Teresa?" he called softly. "What's wrong? Something I said--"

"My head just hurts."

Jane frowned. The doctors had cleared her, but Jane wondered if she had a severe concussion and they just weren't catching it. "Do you want some water or something?" he asked as he tried to peer at her to get a better look at her. He could hear her sniffling.

"That would be nice," Lisbon responded.

He quickly left her to get a glass of water. It took him a few minutes to go through the cabinets until he found the glasses and then returned back to her. She'd moved, Lisbon was now sitting up and had a bottle of Motrin in her hand and was shaking out bright orange pills into the palm of her hand. He watched as she got two and then forced the rest back into the bottle before setting it beside her bed. He held out the glass and released it once she took it. He watched as she downed the pills and the water along with it. He just hoped that they'd kick in and do the job.

"I'm not going to tell Minelli or anyone about that, you know," she whispered.

His eyes were on her, but her eyes were straight ahead. "I didn't think you would," he responded back.

"Why not?" she asked suddenly, her voice filled with irritation.

He grinned at her, at least her spirit was intact. "I didn't think I'd pissed you off that much yet."

"Well, we've been in a car accident and practically held hostage, I think I'd have good reason if I wanted."

"True."

"Jane, promise me something," Lisbon begged.

Jane stared at her. He was afraid to say that word. Promise. He wasn't sure if he could be bound by it depending on what she asked. After all, if it was to leave Red John be then he couldn't do it. He still had to avenge the deaths of his wife and daughter. And now, with everything…he couldn't stand Red John living. Not with him targeting those he loved so dearly. "As long as it's not something I can't promise, Lisbon."

Her eyes moved to his and he could see sadness. Jane wasn't sure if it was over everything that had happened or if it was merely from his response. But he wasn't lying. He was telling her the truth and he hoped that she understood that, After all, what would lying accomplish between the two of them?

"Promise not to go after Red John again without me."

He blinked.

"Promise."

"Lisbon--"

"Jane--"

"Lisbon--"

They just stared at each other for a long time and Jane didn't know what to say. He really hated the idea of flat out lying to her. Jane couldn't trust himself to promise her such a thing since he knew that he wouldn't be able to handle going up to Red John with Lisbon at his side. He'd be too afraid that she'd be killed. That Red John would kill her right in front of her.

"Forget it," she brushed off and turned back over on her side.

"Lisbon--"

"Just go sleep on the couch, Jane."

..……………………………….

**Hospital**

"How long is this going to go on?" Jane asked.

He and Lisbon had been at the hospital for two hours now, just waiting for Rigsby and Van Pelt to wake up and they'd just sat in silence the whole time. He'd broken it, Jane was tired of the silence. It was heartbreaking and cruel. He'd only not promised what she'd asked because he knew that he wouldn't be able to keep his promise. He noticed immediately when her gaze moved from the magazine she'd been looking over to his face. She looked irritated, but he wasn't surprised. Jane figured that if their positions were reversed that he'd feel the same, so he couldn't blame her.

"Apparently it stops now," she said quietly.

"Lisbon, please--"

"I don't want to talk about it, Jane."

"I'm only trying to protect you."

"I don't need you to protect me."

"I won't just stand by and watch you die."

"You saved my life once, I'm sure you could do it again if need be," Lisbon told him.

"That's not the same," Jane argued.

"God…will you two stop arguing?" Rigsby said and let out a moan.

Jane's eyes snapped to Rigsby's bed as he stirred. Rigsby moaned again and Jane got up immediately to go retrieve the nurse. He was worried about the pain. The doctors weren't sure when Rigsby and Van Pelt would wake up and in what condition they'd be in, so he thought it important to get the nurse straight away.

They were quickly ushered out of the room and cut off from any visual observation of the ICU room.

"He's awake, that's a really good sign," Lisbon said.

Jane turned to her, she was still facing the blinded window. "He was yelling at us, that's probably an even better sign," Jane told her.

"They're strong," Lisbon said. "They'll both pull through."

"I know that. I'm just not sure that the rest of us are strong enough."

"Lisbon," Jane started and then reached out and turned her towards him. He reached out and lightly stroked her cheek. He watched as her face softened and her eyes closed. Lisbon looked close to crying, it broke his heart. "I promise," he whispered. He meant it. After all, Lisbon was the one with the gun. He was sure that he'd probably need a gun and the last time he'd shot a gun…he'd saved Lisbon, but it had scared the hell out of him. Jane didn't like killing someone, but Red John was definitely an exception. He would be happy to kill Red John with his bare hands.

"What?"

Her eyes opened and she turned her face upward. "I promise to take you with me when I go after Red John next." He knew that it would hurt to take her, to think that she could be in danger because of him, but it was the only way. He needed to have this alliance with Lisbon. It was in the interest of them both. Jane needed Lisbon, more than she knew…and he thought maybe even more than he knew.

"You're just saying that," Lisbon brushed off and turned away from him.

"I'm not just saying that," Jane argued. "I mean it. After all, we usually make a pretty good team."

"You better mean it," she told him, her eyes never leaving his.

"I do," Jane promised.

And he meant it.

..…..……………………..

**Lisbon Residence**

What he had promised had been hard. He knew now he'd have to keep it, but he didn't like it. He knew that seeing her die in front of him…because of him…would bring him possibly even more sorrow than he'd already had to endure with the loss of his wife and daughter if that was possible. He'd agreed to stay at Lisbon's and behave himself, but Lisbon hadn't spoken to him much since the hospital. Rigsby was doing well, though Van Pelt had yet to regain consciousness. Jane wondered if that was making it all the more harder for Lisbon to relax. There was no relief, not until Red John was gone.

It was late and he sighed as he couldn't find a comfortable spot on the couch. He got to his feet and started to pad to Lisbon's bedroom, just to peek in on her, to ensure that she was okay. He peeked and at first he thought she was asleep, but then her voice told her otherwise.

"You can't sleep either?"

Jane smiled a bit as he entered the bedroom. "No."

"You know you can sleep here if you want," Lisbon told him patting the empty side of her large bed.

"Somehow I don't think that that's appropriate."

"We're both adults…and there's room," Lisbon told him. "I just figured that you may be uncomfortable. It's not the same couch you're used to napping on at CBI."

He smirked and entered further. "I'm glad to see that you're talking to me."

She shrugged in response. "I figure we can't go without talking for too long."

He waited for a moment as he weighed the decision. Having close contact with Lisbon was something that he desperately wanted, but at the same time he knew that it could make things harder…possibly on both of them. He'd never planned any of this. That didn't make it any better. Jane sighed quietly and sat down on the bed next to her and couldn't help but smile at her. "You'd miss me," he teased and then quickly added. "And I'd miss your voice."

"Oh yeah? I'll keep that in mind."

"You should really sleep you know," Jane told her.

"Lecturing me, huh?"

He shrugged and moved so that he was under the sheet and blanket as well and under enough that his head could lay comfortably on the pillow. He reached out and pulled her closer to him, allowing her head to use his clothed chest as a pillow. His arm tucked her into place and kept her safely there. "Are you having nightmares?" he asked quietly. He knew that she was still recovering from the car accident herself, let alone from recovering her memory and her sight (again). Lisbon needed to heal just as much as Rigsby and Van Pelt did, the doctors just didn't see it necessary to keep her hospitalized. Jane thought it was most likely a wise choice on their part.

"No."

"Liar."

"They're not nightmares," she defended. "They're just…memories…"

"What memories?" he asked. Jane could feel that she was relaxing in his arms. It felt so good, like the world had stopped turning. It felt like the relief they'd been wishing for had finally washed over their world. It was farce, but it was still something he fully intended on engulfing himself in until he had to face the harsh reality of Red John again.

"Different ones…"

"Red John."

"Ones pertaining to the Red John case, yes," she allowed.

Jane frowned and kissed her forehead. He tucked her head under his chin and thought for a moment. Maybe this was what they both needed. A warm body. It didn't have to be sex, it could just be this. This simple gesture. Being there for the other. "Close your eyes," he instructed.

"Why?"

"Trust me," he told her and he wanted a moment before continuing. "You're on the beach."

"Why am I there?"

He smiled and closed his eyes and tried to envision the beach. "Shhh…it doesn't matter. You're there. See it. The ocean is blue…"

"Not in California then."

It was true and he couldn't help but laugh, but then continued after a moment. "The sky is bright and cloudless, the sun is out but the head is manageable. The sand is clean under your feet as you walk along it barefoot. You pull in a deep breath and take in the salty fresh air. It's refreshing. No one else is on the beach, but you. It's quiet and peaceful." He wasn't trying to hypnotize her. Jane just wanted her to relax enough to sleep. "You walk towards the water and let your feet get wet. You continue to walk parallel to the water, but allow your feet to get wet in the process. Your footprints are left behind in the moist sand. You see some friends a ways off. You're meeting them for a picnic. They're waving at you, happy to see you. You wave back at them and walk towards them…"

After a minute of silence, he checked on her and found her asleep. He smiled at her and then kissed her forehead again. "Goodnight, Teresa," he whispered before closing his eyes again and allowing the beach vision to fill his head and take him away to sleep as well.

..…..…………………..

TBC….


	16. Real Friends Help Hide the Bodies

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment

**Author:** Shannon – shannyfish

**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.

**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 16 – "Real Friends help hide the bodies"**

**Author's Note: **I'm sort of back…

...

"_Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.__"– Bumper Sticker_

**Lisbon Residence**

Jane was surprised when he woke. It wasn't because he'd woken in Lisbon's home, but rather because she'd slept quite soundly through the night. No nightmares. Which was good, but he was still a bit surprised. He stared at her for a moment, she looked so peaceful. He hated to think that the peaceful state would quickly melt away.

Darkness was coming, he could feel it.

Red John was close. Closer than ever if it was possible. Jane feared for her safety. It was stupid to fear something that couldn't be changed, but he did so just the same. Lisbon was special. And he'd made a promise.

Promises were stupid.

He couldn't keep this promise...

But if he lived, how could she ever trust him again? He was pretty sure that she trusted him now. After all, he was at her house. That was trust, right? She'd come after him and nearly gotten killed in the process, she cared. But how much did she really care? Better yet, how much did he really care? Could he bear to endure the pain of losing her because of his betrayal?

To betray the woman he loved...

Jane hated to think of it like that. He was saving her. He knew that she'd say different. Lisbon would say that he was being stupid and then she'd tell him that she didn't need his protecting. She was the one with the gun. She'd do the protecting.

"I'm proud of you."

He turned his head to look at her. "Excuse me?"

She smiled at him and he loved her smile. She was beautiful and still in a blissful relaxed state. He wished he could bottle it. He wasn't used to having her so careless seeming.

"You're still here."

"I am."

"You kept your promise," she told him.

Jane nodded. It hurt though. He'd meant it when he'd finally promised her, but now...now he regretted doing so. Though he knew that she'd hate him even if he hadn't made the promise. "I'm not going after him today..."

"He's going to come after us again," she whispered.

Her green eyes were staring back at him and it sent a shiver down his spine. They were penetrating, like Lisbon could read his thoughts. "I know..."

"We have to find a way to figure out how to get to him first."

"It's impossible."

"No," she whispered. "It's not."

Jane kept his eyes on her. Watching her. He still wasn't sure that she was one hundred percent. She was still remembering. Yes, she was remembering things, but she didn't completely have her complete full memory back. He was still worried. Red John had struck her twice now. And he'd proven more times over that he could just get to her.

"I'm glad you kept your promise," she said quietly as leaned against him and rested her head on his shoulder.

Surprised by her actions for a moment, Jane just stared at her. After a moment, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer. He allowed his chin to rest on the top of her head. He pulled in a deep breath and held it for a moment. This was so perfect…

It was forbidden.

He wasn't supposed to love her.

He wasn't supposed to love anyone.

Not even himself.

"I-" he started to mumble and then stayed quiet. He couldn't bring himself to say what he was going to say. He wanted to tell her, just in case…just in case this was his only chance. What if Red John did kill him? If he was kind, not exactly the right word for him, and spared Lisbon? Shouldn't she know? Or would it be worse for her? Would she suffer more? Would it just be harder? He moved back so that he could see her face and just stared at her. He tried again. "I-"

"Look at that, Patrick Jane, unable to say what's on his mind," she teased lightly with a smile.

He smiled back at her. It was true. He always did have a way with words and normally he always spoke what was on his mind. It was something that drove Lisbon crazy normally. He'd say something completely unexpected that would upset a victim's family. In the end, it was always in pursuit of justice. In pursuit of a killer and uncovering the truth…even if it was deeply hidden.

"I think it's your fault," he finally spoke up, in a complete sentence.

Lisbon shook her head, her smile still in place. "No, you can't blame this on me. You always speak whenever I don't want you to. You normally can't keep your mouth shut! You cannot blame your inability to say whatever you want to say to me on me…"

He stared at her, she was smiling…she seemed happy. For that moment, she was happy. Jane realized that he was happy. They were both happy, but only in that moment. If only this moment would last a lifetime… It seemed like something that was something overly simple, just a moment in time, but that would last on until time ended…but it was something that couldn't be. He would remember this… The darkness was on the horizon and this would make what would happen easier… It would make it easier for him to give his life in order to save Lisbon's if he needed to. He could die happy remembering this.

He couldn't tell her…he couldn't spill his heart out to her. Not now…. Not like this. He couldn't risk putting her in such danger.

"I was going to say that I'm glad that I kept my promise as well," he lied. He wasn't sure if she'd believe it. So far, she just smiled at him and shook her head again. He liked this. It felt like Lisbon, but to him…she almost seemed like she'd been freed a bit. Freed of some of the weight of the world she carried… He wasn't sure if it was because her memories weren't all there and whatever it was just wasn't on her mind or if it was merely because she was relaxed and she was allowing herself to be happy. If only for a moment.

"Have you ever heard of the saying: Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference?" Lisbon asked Jane.

"I've heard of it," Jane said slowly. He wasn't quite sure where she was going with this. But he was certainly going to let her tell him in order to find out where this was all going. So, he lay there, staring at her. Just waiting.

"What if we need to do that? What if we need to accept the things we cannot change?" she asked. "What if we can't capture Red John? What if this is all just some game that we'll never win."

Jane stared at her. He could tell she was serious and she was scared. He could see it in her emerald eyes. "I'd rather go with having the courage to change the things I can," Jane told her honestly. "I don't think that he'll keep this up. Eventually more people will die. And I'm afraid that it's going to be the last people that I care about…" he said, the last part coming out as a pained whisper.

"I can't believe that you consider us…the team…to be the closest people in your life," she said quietly.

"And in doing so I've put you all in danger," he told her. "I shouldn't have…"

"Everyone needs a family, Jane," Lisbon said.

Her eyes met his and Jane felt the words he wanted to say surface again in the back of his mind. He couldn't though. He couldn't bear to speak those words. This wasn't the time. "No… Not when you get them killed, you don't need one then. You need to keep your distance from people. You need to isolate yourself…for the good of those around you."

"You really can't believe that," she said.

She sat up and stared at him. She looked worried now. He hadn't meant to worry her. That was the problem with relationships, you cared about people and in turn they cared about you. It was a vicious circle of love, friendship, and caring. One that Jane had told himself he'd never re-enter and look what he'd done, he'd gone and made himself an accidental family. And now they were all in danger and none of them bothered even listening to him. None of them would heed his warnings.

"I do," Jane finally said, staring at her and watching the confusion spread farther across her face.

"That's unacceptable."

"Excuse me?" he asked as he sat up to face her.

"You heard me," Lisbon told him. "It's unacceptable."

"I heard you, I just don't understand."

She reached out and cupped his cheek with her hand. Her eyes were locked on his. "I don't care if I'm in danger. Caring about people is important. Family is important. You are important, Patrick Jane. I don't care if caring about you has put my life in danger. It's no different than how things were before you came along, except you're one more person that I care about. Killers go after people… Police officers…agents…they get hurt…killed…it's part of the job, Jane."

"I don't care about it being part of the job," Jane told her. And he didn't. This wasn't about the CBI. This wasn't about Lisbon being an agent. This wasn't about any of that. This was about how his caring about her had put a death sentence on her head.

"We're going to find Red John…eventually," Lisbon told him. "Just remember your promise."

"He'll never see your justice," Jane said quietly. He wouldn't risk Lisbon's job. He knew better. Her job was her whole world. He had been working his hardest to do what he does to solve the cases without getting her fired. And if he ever crossed lines, he'd be sure that Lisbon was always in someone's favor…he would never chance her losing her badge. After all, she was good at what she did… Why take that away?

Lisbon moved in closer, so that she was side by side with him and could rest her head on his shoulder. "At this point, I really don't care…" she confided quietly.

Jane wasn't sure whether or not to believe her, but she normally didn't lie to him. Not about the serious things. "I love you," he whispered to her. It had just slipped out. It was the truth. The awful, dangerous, deadly truth. He'd confessed his love for her.

"What?" she whispered and moved to look at him.

He watched her, silent. He could see her searching his eyes. She'd heard him, but he'd allow her to process it. After all, such a declaration deserved a few moments to really take in. He loved Teresa Lisbon. If she was willing to put her life on the line, help him, and possibly put her own beloved career on the line then he figured that she deserved to know the truth. The truth that he'd been hiding from her.

"Jane-" she started to argue.

"Is it that hard for you to believe me?" he asked, still staring at her. He knew that the confession might have come at a surprise, but he hoped that she shared his feelings. Though, if she didn't, at least he got his out now. Before he could regret never telling her. She deserved to know.

…

**CBI Headquarters**

"So, I heard that there's been another Red John murder," Jane said as he entered Lisbon's office. So, he hadn't really heard it as in he was supposed to hear it. He was more pretending to sleep and overhearing conversations that Rigsby and Cho were having. He would have thought that they'd know better, but apparently he was very convincing when he was lying on his couch with his eyes shut.

"Are you pretending to sleep again, but really listening to other people talk?" she asked.

Jane smiled brightly. "I'm so glad that you're remembering!"

She rolled her eyes in response and looked disgusted. "Remember when I said that I was probably going to be irritated later? Well, it's later and I'm feeling the irritation building up…"

He could tell that she didn't truly mean it. She wasn't really mad at him. Jane sat down across from her. Things between them had been a bit tense all day, but Jane had tried to act as normal as possible. She'd seemed confused and unsure as to how to respond. He hadn't been surprised, but he (so far) hadn't regretted telling her.

"You know we're off the Red John cases—"

"I know! Minelli's orders!" Jane said.

"If they somehow end up with a lead, though," she said quietly as she continued to look over papers. "I've already been assured that I'll be informed."

"Oh?"

"I promised that you wouldn't go after him alone, remember?"

He smiled brightly. "I do!"

…

TBC…


	17. Take Comfort

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment

**Author:** Shannon – shannyfish

**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.

**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 17 – "Take Comfort"**

**Author's Note: **The more reviews, the more likely I am to finish this fic this year :D So, review! I'm still irritated that I have to wait at least another week and a half for a new ep… I would so watch new eps on Thanksgiving!

...

"_Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." – Eskimo Proverb_

**Fresno, CA**

"You know, for once you know what would be nice?" Jane asked.

"If you say you want food, I'm going to shoot you," Lisbon threatened seriously.

He grinned at her. "No, well…okay, so that would be nice, but I was going to say to do one of these things outside. Like in a nice grassy area where you can see the stars." They'd been after a killer who had murdered a wealthy businessman up in Sacramento, but who had fled down to Fresno. This businessman was apparently very close to government officials, at least when he was still alive. Jane really didn't care about the case…he was just there because so was Lisbon.

"I can drive him back to Sacramento if you'd like, Boss," Cho spoke up from the passenger seat.

"Oh! Cho! That hurts me!" Jane played as he put his hands over his heart as if he had been shot. He was sitting in the back seat, in the middle so that he could see both Lisbon and Cho with ease. Lisbon was in the driver's seat and Cho in the passenger's seat. Rigsby and Van Pelt were in another vehicle across the street. He was tempted to leave this vehicle and head on over to check on them. Make sure that they were using their time together wisely…at least as wisely as two law enforcement agents could do while on a stake out.

Cho didn't seem amused, but Jane didn't care. He smiled brightly anyway. He was enjoying himself. Of course, it could be more fun without Cho there, but he didn't mind him…he'd just prefer some time alone with Lisbon. He didn't think that that was so bad, though he doubted that she'd be able to concentrate as well if it had just been the two of them…which was probably why Cho was there. Cho kept him from being too distracting.

"Do we have binoculars?" Jane asked as he moved forward so he was in between the two front seats.

"Why do you need binoculars?" Cho asked, his head still straight forward.

Cho was always on the job like that, which was probably why Minelli chose him to be in charge of the team in Lisbon's absence. Rigsby could get emotional and Van Pelt was too inexperienced. And obviously, he wasn't an agent and would have been a career killing choice. Jane didn't take offense though. He liked Virgil Minelli enough.

"So that I can do some reconnaissance work," Jane said.

"What kind?"

"What kind? Well, of course it's for the case…"

"You're going to have to be more specific," Cho insisted.

Jane frowned. "I need them to check on Rigsby and Grace."

"They're over there," Cho said as his head nodded in their direction.

"But I can't _see _them from here."

Cho turned back to Jane. "You're not going to get binoculars to satisfy your childish need to spy on them."

"I wouldn't call it childish," Jane said, feeling slightly offended.

"I would," Cho stated as he turned back.

Lisbon had remained quiet and Jane was fairly certain that she was talking to him as little as possible while around the others. She still didn't know what to think about his confession. Jane didn't think she knew what to think or feel about him when it came to Red John as well. So, he was trying to be a gentleman and let her process everything. He really didn't see any other way.

…

**CBI Headquarters**

It was late. They'd be hard at work in their vehicles at the stake out for hours upon hours with no tea and no decent food. And what had come of it? Fate being wicked and cruel. Their suspect was arrested after being pulled over twenty miles from where they'd been parked. Wasn't that how it always was? But now there was paperwork to be done. Of course, he didn't have to have any of it, but he liked to be there. For morale support. And for Lisbon. Okay, so he definitely had ulterior motives, when did he not? It wasn't like this was anything new. Plus, he could keep an eye on Lisbon while napping on his couch and still have access to his tea and snacks. CBI Headquarters was well stocked like that. He made a mental note to later tell Minelli how much he appreciated how much work they went to in order to make it so comfortable for him to work there.

"You should go home," Lisbon said.

Jane was lying on the couch in her office. It wasn't as comfortable as his couch, but it was closer to Lisbon. There were pros and cons to each location, but right now Lisbon was the biggest pro. "You sent Van Pelt home, you sent Rigsby home…but you haven't sent Cho home yet…"

Lisbon looked up at him. "Cho's busy," she said as she motioned to where Cho was working out at his desk. "He's finishing up his report."

"You know that this all could have been done tomorrow," Jane pointed out.

"I prefer it's done as soon as possible so all the details are fresh in everyone's minds," Lisbon told him.

"Really?" he asked. "Don't they just have to write that it was a huge waste of time?"

"Hey!"

"Truth hurts, Lisbon," Jane said as he looked back at her. "Though, I have to admit I don't think Grace or Rigsby minded. They were all smiley and couldn't keep their eyes off of each other afterwards."

"I didn't notice that."

"That's because you've been distracted," Jane told her.

"No," she replied. "No, I haven't."

"We both know why…"

Lisbon frowned deeply. "We can't have this conversation right now. Not right now and especially not here."

"Why not? Just us and Cho."

"And what if he hears?" Lisbon asked, lowering her voice.

"Who cares?" Jane asked, his voice remaining the same.

"Jane-"

"It's Cho, Lisbon."

He thought that it was a good point, but it just seemed to irritate her more. She started to type a bit more furious. Jane thought that it was lucky that so much was electronic nowadays, otherwise, a poor pen's life might be at stake! And with his luck, the ink would end up all over not only Lisbon and her desk, but him as well.

After about another half an hour of lying there in Lisbon's office, Cho dropped off his report and left the building. Jane was sure that it was fast approaching midnight. He looked over at Lisbon, who still was irritated with him. Her face was scrunched up in places and tight. She was still typing a bit hard on her keyboard and she kept cursing under her breath at every little mistake she kept making.

More time passed and Jane wondered if Lisbon's report was going to end up being the size of a best selling novel. She'd been at it long enough. It would take Minelli days to read it! If he read it at all. He wished that Lisbon would just decide to call it a day. He was definitely ready to sleep. He doubted, though, that she was going to allow him to sleep over. She was still processing. It was in her face as well. She was still trying to figure out what to make of him.

Jane figured that she was still deciding if he was playing a game or if there was something else going on. This wasn't a game to him, but he could see how Lisbon would be cautious of him. She at the very least, he figured, would know to trust him even if it was only a little. To believe that he wouldn't do something as cruel as confess his love for her if it was a lie. That wasn't the case. He loved her.

"It'll be here in the morning, Lisbon," Jane told her.

"It is the morning," she pointed out.

He let out a sigh. "Really? What time is it now?"

"One-ten," she replied sleepily.

Maybe they really had been there that long. He hadn't thought it was quite that late. It was amazing how much time could just zoom right by when you were lying on a couch and just listening to someone be irritated at her computer. He really didn't think anyone would be coming in the next day at their normal time. He figured that maybe noon was a good time for people to start showing up, but still leave at like four or five as long as there were no murders to investigate. Of course, this was California and he was pretty sure that murderers just didn't take vacations… He thought it was something, though, that they should really look into.

"Come on, I'll walk you to your car," Jane offered.

"I may just sleep here tonight," she said.

He could see that she was exhausted. More so than she'd let on before. Fatigue had overcome her and under her eyes were dark circles. She was beyond exhausted and there was no way that she'd be able to drive home safely. He on the other hand had napped since they'd returned.

"I'll drive you home," he offered.

"Jane-"

"I insist… I can come by and pick you up when you want to come back in," he offered. He figured that that way there was no pressure. He hadn't mentioned him crashing with her, so there was absolutely no pressure there. He was just making sure that she got home okay. He thought it was quite chivalrous.

"If you had a change of clothes, I'd say that you should just spend the night," she told him.

He'd actually thought about suggesting she stay with him. He knew that they all kept a bag with a change of clothes in the office, but he didn't. But he really didn't have a place for her to stay and Red John had proved a few times that his residence just wasn't safe. Red John's blood stained fingerprints were all over his house. They were inerasable and apparently he was just inescapable.

"I'll be fine," he insisted.

"No-"

"Really… I sleep on the couch here all the time. I'm not going to freak out if my pants are wrinkly…"

Lisbon frowned a little bit and then let her face fall into the palm of her hand. "I have an iron," she said and then let out a yawn. "You don't have to come in with wrinkles…"

"See…all figured out," he told her with a smile. She smiled back and he knew it was genuine. It was good to see even in her sleep deprived state. It had been a long day and it was definitely time for some rest.

He waited for Lisbon to print out her report and stapled it together before setting it on her desk. He knew that Minelli wouldn't look at them until the next day anyways. Jane still wasn't sure if he read them. He wouldn't, he'd ask for the cliff notes version, which is what he was sure Minelli called an 'update'.

Gathering himself up from the couch, he picked up his jacket and pulled it on. He watched as Lisbon pulled on her blazer and looked around sleepily, he was sure she was checking to see that she had everything. After a moment, she rounded her desk to him. Jane smiled at her and then collected her forgotten keys and cell phone from their obscured hiding places on her desk. He handed them to her and received a smile for his efforts.

"I think we're ready now," he said as he took her arm and put it through his. He'd happily escort her out of the building and make sure that she got home okay. After all, it was the least he could do. He also got the happy bonus of getting extra alone time with her, even if it was spent sleeping on the couch. Last time she'd allow him to share her bed (clothes on, of course), but he didn't think that that offer would be extended once again. The couch was fine, though. He was still close by and she would have made it home safely.

…

**Lisbon Residence**

At five in the morning, Jane woke unexpectedly to the screams of Teresa Lisbon. He fell off the couch and hurried to her bedroom. Upon reaching the door, which was wide open, his eyes fell upon her upright form. She was panting, tears were streaming down her face, and she looked terrified. He surveyed the room quickly before entering and going directly to Lisbon's side. The room looked undisturbed and he quickly came to the conclusion that it was probably a nightmare, an intense one.

"I'm fine," she managed to get out between pants; her hand went up like a stop side.

Jane froze, but only for a moment. He sat on the edge of her bed and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. She was shaking and it made him worry even more. "Tell me about it," he said after a moment as he stroked her hair and listened to her breathing. She was working on slowing it back to normal. Her tears stained his shirt, but he didn't care. They'd dry.

"It's stupid," she whispered.

"Tell me about it," he insisted as gently as possible.

"I don't even know…it doesn't make sense," she told him. "I know it was Red John, but I didn't see him."

"You don't know what he looks like, so that makes sense," he reasoned.

"He was hurting you…and I couldn't help you. I tried to shoot him, but my gun wouldn't work. I remember checking it to make sure it had ammo and it did, but it wouldn't shoot. It would just click and you'd scream. You told me to run, but I couldn't. I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything," she said, half crying again.

He held her closer, allowing for her face to rest against his chest. "Shhh…" he tried to soothe. "It was just a nightmare, Teresa."

"I _know_…and that's what's stupid," she said, pulling back away from him and wiping the tears away with her hand. "I _know_ it's all a nightmare… I _know _it wasn't real… But it _felt_ so real to me."

Jane frowned. "When I was little, my mother used to distract me by having me look up at the sky… She'd point out the stars and connect them to make some kind of creature for me," Jane shared. "And now, I'd try to distract you as well, but let's face it… This is California and there are hardly any stars that are visible compared to when we were younger…"

Lisbon smiled a little bit. "What did she make them into?"

"Sometimes ducks or cats…and sometimes people. She liked to believe in angels…she'd say that the angels were people we loved who had gone to heaven that were looking down on us."

"I like that story," she said.

Jane looked at her. "You don't seriously believe that the stars are angels, do you?"

Lisbon shrugged. "It's nice to think at least."

"True… It is comforting…" He held her closer. She was still relaxing. He wanted her to relax, after all, he needed to relax too after she'd practically scared him to death with her scream. He was really still recovering.

"It's early, isn't it?" she asked.

He could hear the exhaustion in her voice. It was heavy and her latest ordeal probably just made her even more exhausted… He was used to the nightmares…the images of the note on his bedroom door, his wife and daughter's bodies, and the daunting smiley painted on his wall. He was used to that…the continual torture of that day… Lisbon didn't deserve to be haunted by such horrible and cruel visions. Jane wished he could pluck the horrible memories from her head and hold onto him himself. To protect her. Of course, Lisbon would tell him that she didn't need protecting, but Jane figured that everyone needed protecting. Whether they knew it or not.

She'd protected him.

Now, he'd look out for her…in ways that he hadn't before.

Life was fragile…

"Go back to sleep, Teresa," he whispered. He held her close and kissed her forehead. Her head was on his shoulder and her body was pressed against him. He rubbed her back to try to help her relax and drop back off to sleep.

"You need sleep too," she mumbled.

Jane carefully moved over, with Lisbon still held close. He didn't want to fall asleep himself and then end up falling off the bed and pulling Lisbon down with him. He moved some of the pillows and he covered her up with the blanket as well. He wanted her comfortable. She moved about a bit, he imagined in order for her to get comfortable and after a few minutes she seemed to have fallen asleep. Jane didn't chance waking her by moving. He adjusted a bit so that he was comfortable as well and eventually fell asleep with Lisbon in his arms.

…

TBC…


	18. Soul Stealing

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment

**Author:** Shannon – shannyfish

**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.

**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 18 – "Soul Stealing"**

**Author's Note: **Please review! :D

...

"_Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." _

– _Norman Cousins_

**CBI Headquarters**

It had been weeks since Minelli had allowed them out of the county. Lisbon had assured them that it was just for recovery purposes. Everyone was back on the job, but it was still an adjustment for everyone. He'd noticed that Lisbon had been allowing Rigsby and Van Pelt about fifty-fifty time between the office and in the field, but he felt that was for the best. It kept morale up.

They were investigating a kidnapping of an official's child, which was why they were working it rather than local law enforcement. He knew that this was a hard case for Lisbon, whenever the parents would lose it and breakdown he could see this fear and worry and some kind of darkness in her. It wasn't that he was exempt from the discomfort or the rest of the team for that matter. Lisbon just exuded this extra deep sadness about her.

The case was focused on finding Kaydance Millary alive and soon.

She was the daughter of a California Senator, who had requested the CBI's presence on the case. That was the only reason they had it. There'd been no ransom or threat. She'd been abducted from an international gala, which had been held on capitol grounds eighteen hours earlier. The senator and his wife couldn't say for sure exactly when their daughter disappeared.

Kaydance Millary was just five years old with long wavy brown hair, bright eyes, porcelain skin, and a brilliant smile. Her picture was everywhere and the child's parents made him ill. How could people allow their five year old our of their sight? Even for a second? At an event so large she should have been left at home with a nanny or kept a hold of at the very least.

There was truly nowhere safe in the world. That was the sad current state of the world they lived in. Sad and utterly pathetic.

Patrick Jane had seen too many people who used their lovely and beautiful children as merely jewelry. Things to be put on display. That's not what children were for. It made him angry and at the same time it made him immensely sad. To think of his child, his daughter, who he would never see grow up. He'd loved her and cherished her and allowed her to be a child. To do what children do. To have fun and explore the world around her. To love and be loved. Jane had a feeling that if all parents experienced the pain and sadness he felt everyday that they'd treat their children as they should.

"Do you want tea?"

The voice was quiet and he looked up at the quiet Grace Van Pelt staring down at him. He'd been lying on his couch in the main bullpen area. He'd pretty much just been lying there with his eyes closed, zoning out. She was so sweet and polite, but he moved his legs off the couch and got to his feet.

"You don't have to wait on me, though it's very sweet," he told her. "I thought Lisbon was sending you all home?"

They hadn't found any more leads. There was no evidence. Everything that could be followed or processed had already been done. They were hoping for a ransom note or something… So far, nothing. It didn't bode well for the case or the girl's safe return.

She looked exhausted and he doubted that the discoloring that remained from the bruising on her face was helping to hide that fact. "The doctor said you and Rigsby need to take it easy."

"I am," she said. "We are."

"If Lisbon is pushing-" he started.

Grace interrupted. "No, it's not that. She's buying dinner…it should be here in twenty minutes. That's why no one's left yet."

"Oh… That's nice of Lisbon," he commented. No one was going to pass up a free meal. Plus, it would be good to have a meal together even if it was at work.

"She's the one you should be worried about," she said. "Rigsby found her asleep at her desk earlier. Cho doesn't think she's sleeping…"

"I'll keep that in mind," he said.

Two weeks before, he hadn't left Lisbon's side. He'd been racked with worry and he had taken up residence on her couch at her place every night. With everything going quiet, they'd gone back to sleeping at their respective places. In truth, he missed it. It was nice to be living with someone, he'd forgotten that.

Lisbon had never really commented positively or negatively about his declaration of love. He had expected something…even if it was just a joke. So, in efforts to keep her from pulling away, he'd given her the space she needed. After all, he loved her…he was going to do what made her comfortable.

Hours passed, they'd all eaten together. Chinese, everyone had seemed quite happy about it. After dinner, Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt all left. Lisbon had insisted that she'd be leaving shortly, but Jane had stayed behind to ensure that she really was. Lisbon wasn't one to lie, but Jane figured it was more of her getting wrapped up in work.

So, he napped for a while on his couch. He knew that if Lisbon decided to leave while he was asleep that she'd see him. Jane had no doubt that she'd tell him to go home and chew him out for staying.

Midnight rolled around and he got up from his nap. Lisbon's office was still lit. Her door was still open. He frowned and made his way there. He found her asleep, her head on top of her paperwork. Sighing, Jane moved to retrieve her jacket. With it in hand, he gently shook her. "Lisbon," he said. She stirred and then looked at him groggily. He held out the jacket and she started to put her arms into the sleeves. But she stopped.

"Wha-what time is it?" she asked.

"Time for you to go home and sleep in your own bed," he responded.

Lisbon frowned.

"Past midnight," he said as he forced her into her jacket.

She covered her face. "It's been over twenty-four hours…"

"I know," he said quietly. "But you can't do anything this late and you're not going to do that little girl any good sleep deprived."

They stared at each other for a good minute before Lisbon started to gather her things from her desk. He was happy that at least she wasn't arguing with him. Jane would hate to fight with her and in all honestly, he was looking forward to sleeping in his own bed.

"Please don't lecture me about driving," Lisbon said as they headed out of the building.

"Okay," he said. "I'm driving anyways." He'd snagged her keys from her jacket pocket already and had them securely in his jacket's pocket instead. He wasn't going to allow her to drive in such a sleep deprived state. It was the same as allowing someone who was drunk to drive. He'd be the DD.

"Jane-"

"I have your keys anyway," he said with a smile. He put an arm around her and guided her towards his car.

"Not at my place," she mumbled as she got into his car. "It's really a mess. I haven't really been there much-"

"We'll stop by and you can grab clothes and then we'll stay at mine," he said. It wasn't exactly the best idea, but Lisbon had already seen his bedroom wall. So, he wasn't that worried.

…

**Jane Residence**

Surprisingly, the sleeping arrangements hadn't gone as he'd expected. He expected Lisbon to sleep on the couch. Somehow they'd ended up spooned together on his twin mattress upstairs. This is what he focused on for a good few minutes when he first woke up. And then he realized he'd been woken up for a reason.

There had been a sound.

"What?" Lisbon whispered.

"Did you hear that?"

"What?"

"A sound," he said as he sat up and then looked around. The room was pitch black. They were just alone in the darkness.

"Well, that's specific," she mumbled.

Before he could move to stand and step over her, she moved first. For a moment, Jane entertained the concept that he was being paranoid. A quick look back at the reminder on his wall told him otherwise. He wasn't paranoid, just cautious.

"Stay here," he told her.

He noticed that she didn't and pulled out her gun. They moved to the top of the stairs and took in what they could see. Silence. Darkness. Everything in its place.

"It could be the wind," she told him. "Big storm coming in."

"Maybe," Jane allowed.

Lisbon continued to sweep his house though. He just followed closely behind. She was probably right and it was just the wind picking up for the storm cell. He'd remembered seeing the news segment on it earlier. People had been complaining about the impending rain, which confused him since California was one of those places that really didn't get enough precipitation, but if it misted then the news channels would be calling it 'Storm Watch [insert year]'. He just didn't understand it.

"Looks clear," Lisbon said.

Jane watched as she lowered her gun and looked at him. He smiled at her, he didn't mind having a jersey clad Lisbon there. Though it didn't keep him from worrying about her. They turned and headed back for the stairs.

Jane swore that men appeared out of the shadows. Three men. One of them was behind him and restraining him before he could say anything. He watched in horror as two men disarmed Lisbon and then fought to control her. One of them managed to get behind her and hold a blade at her throat. Lisbon froze. Their eyes met and he was confused at what he saw. Lisbon looked sad and angry, but she also looked apologetic as well. As if he'd blame her for this. He was fairly sure that these were Red John's minions. She had nothing to apologize for. He was the one who had put her in danger.

"We're going to stay very calm here," one of them said.

The one not holding the blade on Lisbon moved and handcuffed her hands behind her back. Jane watched and listened to the clicks as they tightened them until Lisbon cringed. The one holding Lisbon worried Jane; he could see the shadow of a smirk on his face.

"You don't know who-" Lisbon started.

"Agent Teresa Lisbon and Consultant Patrick Jane," the man holding her spoke up.

He ran a hand along the side that had been cut open at one time by Red John. Jane wanted to scream at him to stop, he could see that she was increasingly uncomfortable and worried by it. But he also didn't want to cause the man to think that doing so would get a rise out of him and possibly end up having their captors hurting Lisbon. The knife pressed against her throat.

"Stop!" Jane finally yelled. "What do you want?"

"It's not what we want," one of them said. "It's what Red John wants…"

The man with the blade pulled it across Lisbon's tender throat. Just enough to tear the skin and cause it to bleed, nothing mortally wounding. Jane felt like crying and he watched Lisbon, she was keeping her eyes on him but then her eyes closed and he could only think that she was trying to be brave. Most likely doing it for him. The man continued to stroke her scar on her side under her jersey top. Jane pulled against the man holding him.

"Leave her alone and just take me to Red John," Jane said.

"Hero," the man with the blade said and moved the blade to Lisbon's side where the scars were.

"Please," Jane pleaded, tears sprung to his eyes and clouded his vision. Before he'd come home to find his wife and child murdered…he couldn't stand there and watch them torture and murder Lisbon in front of him.

The floor greeted Jane and Lisbon's screams pierced his ears before the black overtook him.

…

TBC…


	19. It Ends with a Teardrop

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment

**Author:** Shannon – shannyfish

**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.

**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 19 – "It ends with a teardrop"**

**Author's Note: **Please review! :D

...

"_Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop." – Anonymous_

**Jane Residence**

"Jane."

"Jane."

"Jane."

It was all a blur.

Jane felt like screaming. There was so much blur. Noise, touch, lights… His eyes snapped opened, panicked at his body being moved. At first he stared confused at Cho, but then practically screamed her name. "Lisbon! Lisbon!" And then he was pushed back down gently. He saw it now; medics had been called in and were making their way to him. "No," he protested. "No, we have to find Lisbon."

"Who took her?" Cho asked.

"Men…men who work for Red John," Jane said.

"Can you describe them?" Rigsby asked.

He shook his head and dread washed over him. He hadn't had a good look at them. It had been dark and he'd truly just been concentrating on Lisbon. And then it hit him, people were in his house. Jane's head spun around trying to take in everyone. "We heard a noise and they jumped us here at the bottom of the stairs," he said motioning to the area as he got to his feet. He wanted to make sure that they knew that they didn't need to be upstairs.

"We found Lisbon's gun," Cho said.

"She brought it with her to investigate the noise."

"We need to have you looked over by the medics," Cho insisted.

"No, I'm fine," Jane told him. He didn't want to be looked at. He just wanted to find Lisbon. It was his fault. She shouldn't have been taken. It was his fault. He'd noticed that small pool of blood on the floor but hadn't said anything. He'd tried to ignore it. Cho hadn't seemed like he was in the mindset that Lisbon was dead, so he figured that everyone figured that she was alive.

"Is it Lisbon's blood on the floor?" Rigsby asked.

And there was the question. He'd only barely seen it before. Cho had been blocking it. Possibly for a reason. Possibly to protect him. He wasn't the one who needed to be protected. Lisbon, Van Pelt, Rigsby, Cho…they were the ones that needed to be protected.

"I don't know," Jane choked out. "They put a knife to her throat and cut it…but not deep…just enough for it to bleed. I remember hearing her scream though before everything went black," he mumbled, he felt incoherent. He felt useless.

The moments before he blacked out ran through his head again, like a movie reel. He relived every vivid and horrifying detail and nothing. He couldn't think of anything. No way to save Lisbon. The continual blame circulated in his brain. This was his fault. He should have never gotten so close to her. He should have never opened his heart or allowed himself to be close at all to anyone. No friends. No family. No lover. He needed to have been invisible.

"You need to be checked out," Rigsby repeated.

Jane was assaulted by a pair of medics before he could argue. They looked over his head and made him go sit at the back of their ambulance as they examined him. He knew it hurt, he didn't need anyone else to tell him that. He'd been hit over the head by some kind of blunt object. Jane had a feeling that it was a gun that they'd been prepared to use if things didn't work as well as they apparently had.

"I'm fine," he repeated, this time with more irritation in his voice.

"You may have a concussion, Mr. Jane," one of the medics said.

"I don't think I was hit that hard," he told them honestly. "Can I just take a few Tylenol or something and be on my way?"

"If you're going to take anything, make sure you only take the recommended dose," the medic told him.

"Two is the recommended dosage," the other medic piped up.

"Two," Jane repeated. "Got it."

"Mr. Jane, I really think-"

"Well, if you need me to sign something to say that you told me that you want me to go to the hospital and I declined, I'll happily sign it," Jane told them. And was soon presented with a paper, which he quickly put his name to.

Going to the hospital and getting stuck there was not going to help getting Lisbon back. In fact, he'd not only have medical professionals trying to keep him there as long as possible but probably Minelli as well. He didn't need to get stuck. He needed out. Out in the world, looking for Lisbon.

Once the medics officially released him, he walked back towards the crime scene. His house. He shoved his hands into his pant pockets and then froze. Something crumpled in one of his pockets. He didn't remember putting anything in them. He was wearing a black t-shirt and blue, black, and white plaid print pajama pants. Pockets in pajama pants were rarely used anyways. He pulled out the piece of paper and unfolded it. There was a computer typed GPS coordinates on the piece of paper.

Lisbon.

This was some kind of showdown, he thought. Maybe now, maybe now it would end.

He couldn't endanger anyone else's life. He just couldn't. He wasn't sure how he'd get away from the watchful eyes of Cho, Rigsby, or Van Pelt but he'd do it.

…

**The Middle of Nowhere, CA**

Jane wished right now that he could be nothing more than invisible.

Invisible.

It was the existence that lay in a limbo-like state. It was the in between. In between this blissful life and one in which you just follow the motions. A state of all emotions, sometimes a state of all emotions flooding at the same time. A time of floating between the here and there.

Invisible.

A time when just one singular event could turn your world from grey to full color.

No…not invisible. He wished that he hadn't ever existed or that his existence had been snuffed out before now. That he wasn't causing any of those he cared about pain. But at the same time, he wished to be invisible…he'd been in that state for a while after his wife and child's untimely deaths.

And then somehow, he'd chosen to live.

He feared for Lisbon as he stared down at the GPS unit and watched as the numbers climbed higher towards the numbers he was looking for.

It was dark and there were trees around. They were in the middle of a forest. He'd ducked out after quickly changing. He'd been very watchful for vehicles on the way and hadn't seen any signs of being followed. He'd kept the note so he doubted that they'd be right behind him. He was only trying to protect them.

He stopped when the GPS read the exact numbers on his paper and then tucked it away into his pocket and looked around. He had a flashlight, but he hadn't used it yet since the GPS had more than enough light with its screen. But now in the darkness he pulled it out and pressed the button. He focused on the light for a moment and then when he heard a crying sound and he swept the light beam until he came upon a figure on the ground.

His heart skipped a beat as he took it in. There was a dark pool around the body, which he could only interpret as blood. And then he noticed that the body was missing key pieces of clothing, only in her undergarments.

Lisbon.

"Lisbon?" he whispered as he hurried towards her. Jane knelt down and checked for a pulse first. He didn't want to turn her over…not until he knew. She was still there; he could feel her pulse though he wasn't sure how steady it was. Slowly and carefully, he rolled her onto her back. She was pale…so pale that she seemed to glow especially with the black bra and panties on. The contrast was almost unreal. Her side was slit open again and Jane noticed the dirt packing into it and immediately started to strip off his jacket first and then his vest. He quartered up his vest and pressed it against her side before slowly rolling her onto her side. He covered her with the jacket to try to keep her warm.

Lisbon needed help or else she was going to die.

He was certain of that.

Reaching for his cell phone, he hoped that 911 could route EMS to GPS coordinates. That was all he had. He started to dial when a gunshot rung out. He dropped the phone and lay down over Lisbon's lifeless body.

"No phone calls, Mr. Jane," came a familiar voice.

Red John.

"You have a choice," the voice continued.

Jane looked up and saw that there were the three men surrounding him and another, presumably Red John, farther back. "You want me, not her… Let her get to a hospital," he pleaded. He'd never been able to plead to Red John before. Not for the life of his wife. Not for the life of his daughter.

"You can allow Agent Lisbon to bleed to death out here," he said. "Or you can hand her over to one of my associates and you have my word that she will survive…to live on to marry and have children and grow old…"

Jane held Lisbon in position, she was moaning in pain but still unconscious. He couldn't trust Red John. Experience had shown him that. He stared down at her pale form, he was killing her. Not Red John. He was. His decision.

He'd end her life. He'd extinguish the life of the one he loved. No more smile that would make the world light up. He'd never feel the touch of her lips on his… Only teardrops… If she was going to die, then this time Red John had better kill him or he'd kill himself. He wouldn't lose a second person he loved so deeply. His wife and daughter had been his life and their death had brought the frosty chill of winter to his soul and Lisbon had been like the sun…warming it and bringing new life… How could he possibly live without her?

"You won't take her to a hospital," Jane said. "You'll let her die…"

"Mr. Jane, you don't take me at my word?" Red John asked.

"She doesn't matter to you-"

"On the contrary… she does."

Jane just stared at him, tears rolling down his face as he listened to Lisbon's moans. She was in pain and he couldn't help her. All he wanted to do was to make it go away. Banish the pain that he'd caused her.

"Dumar gave you both a choice," Red John said. "He said that if you cooperated that I'd end it quickly… You killed Dumar, you've killed others who believed in me, and now…now Mr. Jane I will fulfill my promise. You will suffer and you will receive no mercy. You either hand over Agent Lisbon to one of my men or she dies…that's it. You can live on hoping to one day find her or you can watch her die here and now."

"What do you mean?"

"One of my men has taken a liking to Agent Lisbon, not hard to see why…she is a lovely woman," he said. "And if you agree to let her live then I promise you that she will lead a full life…"

"You mean you'll make her your prisoner…like with the twins… You killed one and let Dumar keep the other one."

"Exactly like that. I'm a reasonable man after all."

"Reasonable?" Jane screamed.

"She's dying, Mr. Jane."

Jane looked down at her, torn at what to do. She'd already been through so much. How could he put her through more? But how could he lose her? He kept the tears back, but just barely. Was he being selfish? Jane was so torn as to what to do and it only made it worse as he listened to her labored breathing. "Lisbon," he whispered.

For a split second her eyes were open and she moved her mouth, but he couldn't hear the words. He leaned down, so that his ear was against her lips. "I love you," she whispered and then sucked in air eagerly. Her eyes slipped closed again.

She loved him.

"You need to decide now, Mr. Jane."

"Take her…save her…but know…know that I will find her," Jane swore.

The men came forward and two of them guarded him while the other one scooped up Lisbon and carried her off into the darkness. The tears flooded his face and his chest racked with sobs. He doubled over and heard them all shuffling away.

"Consider her dead, Mr. Jane. Mourn her death like you have with your wife and child… Mourn her and continue on."

He looked up to scream at him but found no one standing there. He reached desperately for his cell phone and dialed Cho. He needed help. He needed it now. There was still a chance that they could get Lisbon back. There had to be.

Lisbon wasn't dead.

She couldn't be.

He wouldn't accept it.

Teresa Lisbon loved him.

…

TBC…


	20. Without Her, Live no Life

**Title:** Suffering is the Best Punishment

**Author:** Shannon – shannyfish

**Disclaimer:** I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.

**Warning:** Severe spoilers for season one.

**Chapter 20 – "Without Her, Live no Life"**

**Author's Note: **This is Riley's fault…there shall be a sequel…and possibly a soundtrack and a trailer…or two… Also, I'm pondering the PoV for the sequel…either Jane, Lisbon, or a combo…still not sure.

...

"_So dear I love [her] that with [her],_

_All deaths I could endure._

_Without [her], live no life."_

_- William Shakespeare (Romeo & Juliet)_

**Jane Residence**

He'd failed.

He'd failed Lisbon.

He'd failed the team.

He'd failed the CBI.

He'd failed himself.

Jane was angry, so angry that it consumed him. It made him want to break everything in sight. After Cho and Rigsby had picked him up and they'd been unable to find anything all he wanted to do was go home. He had this thought in the back of his head that she'd be there waiting for him.

Lisbon in her jersey, chastising him for being out so late and going after Red John without him. She'd be irritated and yet happy to see him, but too busy preparing a snack to play his games. How he wished that that were the reality of the situation.

Instead, Lisbon was gone. Dead or alive, he didn't know. Minelli had been woken and had already distributed Lisbon's picture to every hospital and morgue and police station in the state. He'd been upset with Jane and irritated that he hadn't called back up. Yes, Jane already knew that it was his fault. He didn't need to be reminded. If Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt had been there, then they may have seen the vehicles and at least gotten them a shred of something helpful to go on.

He had nothing.

She was gone.

Red John had made sure of that. And the worst part of it all was that she wasn't fully erased from his life. She'd been taken in the middle of the night and Jane knew that remembrances of her were still in his house. In his bedroom. Technically, he would normally categorize them as good memories, beautiful ones, but with the pain he felt…everything that reminded him of Lisbon brought him such grief…it was unbearable to know that he was responsible for her fate and not actually know her fate.

Upstairs, it was like the realm of Red John. The place where the smiley face reminded him of Red John and the murders he'd committed there. He remembered vividly, the note on the door bragging of what he'd done. The smiley face on the wall welcoming him to the room which held his murdered wife and daughter. Red John had returned and left him memories of Lisbon. Her cross. Her jacket. The light that had shone on the smiley face that still remained on his wall. And now, Lisbon's clothes and items had been left in his room. The scent of her hair on the pillow.

He'd made himself live in that room. The room that reminded him of everything he lost. The room that was filled with pain. He wasn't sure if he could do that again. Could he face it everyday? The pain and the unknown? Jane didn't want to hope that Lisbon was alive and then find her body three weeks later, four counties over, in the middle of some abandoned area of land. No, he wanted to know…to know whether to be relieved that she was alive and out there somewhere or to grieve.

Grief was easier.

Hope was always preferred, but it was the harder of the two to grasp and hold onto. To hope was to put your heart out there. To hope was to wish for the best scenario…and he knew that that wasn't naïve. Hoping for Lisbon to be alive wasn't going to do anything but keep his hopes up. But there was a time when hope faded to the darkness…

Grief was easier. You accepted your loss. You grieved in your own way. Cried. Broke things. Screamed. Hid away from the world. But eventually…the light shines down on those who are grief stricken and they learn to move on.

Hope was cruel.

But how could he just grieve for Lisbon's death? He couldn't take hold of the concept of Lisbon being dead, not without seeing her body. He just couldn't believe it. Jane threw something across the room as the image of Lisbon's nearly naked lifeless body lay in a pool of her own blood that mixed with the dirt beneath her.

It was his fault.

They'd taken her…

He'd allowed them to take her.

He'd chosen it.

Jane screamed and pulled down picture from his wall and threw it. He wasn't normally a violent man, but his angry was welling up inside of him and he had to release it somewhere. He'd chosen that she should live, but what did that mean? That Red John would allow his minions to lock her up and one of them would hope to brainwash her? That they'd somehow erase her memories again? That they'd turn her against him? Jane's mind started to reel at the sheer number of scenarios that sped through his brain.

He knew what he'd chosen. Life. Maybe for Lisbon. Definitely for him. A life in which he'd look for her at every turn, where he'd continue to kick himself for the decision he made…

That wasn't life though, that was death.

His soul had died a little more…

…

**CBI Headquarters**

Jane had informed Minelli that he would no longer be working with the CBI in any capacity. Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt had argued with him. They'd tried to cheer him up and force him to change his mind saying that they'd find Lisbon. Jane didn't think so. The CBI was too narrow minded and gave up too easily.

What if they'd taken Lisbon out of state?

The only way the CBI would find her out of state was if someone saw the flyer and Jane wasn't even sure if Minelli had distributed it nationwide. If she were somehow used in one of Red John's crimes…then they'd know. But other than that…they had no clues and they wouldn't know where to look at her. California or otherwise.

He boxed up his things. He didn't have many that he kept there, but he didn't box up the few belongings that he had. Jane had tried to go into Lisbon's office. He'd wanted to see if there was anything that he could take…as a reminder. He was regretting giving Lisbon back her cross. He remembered how comforted he'd felt with it in his possession. It was an important piece that he'd carried for a while…and now it was like she was a ghost. This time Minelli hadn't waited any length of time. Lisbon's office had been boxed up right away. Of course, Minelli said that they were looking for clues in her files and such, but Jane had a feeling that he honestly didn't believe that she'd be returned to the CBI alive. They were already scratching her name off the glass of her office door.

Red John had won.

The CBI had pretty much given up. No one was out there looking for Lisbon. It was like she never existed there. It was like she never existed anywhere… He couldn't handle the seconds…minutes…hours…days…weeks…months…or even years until Lisbon surfaced. He was going to venture out without the CBI to find her. Even if it was the last thing he did, Jane intended to find Lisbon.

"Jane, please…"

Her voice was quiet and gentle. Jane would miss Grace Van Pelt. She was sweet and kind…and naïve, but she had a huge heart. She saw the good in people. He left his box on the desk and turned to the young red head. He held out his arms and then pulled her into a hug. He held her there for a moment. "You're going to do so much better without me here, Grace…"

"I'm going to miss you."

Jane could hear the honestly in her sweet voice. He pulled back and smiled brightly at her. He smiled like there was nothing wrong with the world. "I'm going to miss you, too, but we can still have tea…or lunch sometime."

"I'm going to hold you to that," she told him, returning the smile.

He turned to Rigsby and Cho and shook each of their hands. "It's been good working with you," he said. He knew it was something that Lisbon would have said. It was so…normal.

"If we find her-" Rigsby started.

"You mean if you find her before I do?" Jane asked, disbelief laced his voice.

"You never know," Cho said straight faced.

"I know," Jane said and then went to retrieve his box. "I'll keep in touch."

"If we find out anything," Grace said. "We'll pass it along…"

"Just don't tell Minelli," he whispered quietly and then flashed them a bright smile before heading out. They all had good hearts…even Cho…Jane knew that though Cho was the hardest one on the exterior that he was really just as upset about Lisbon's disappearance as Rigsby and Van Pelt. But they needed someone to be strong now. They needed Cho to be Cho. Which was why him leaving was another great idea. He'd just mess things up. He'd upset Grace and keep the team from functioning the way they should.

This time, he wasn't going to be selfish and stay where he felt comfortable.

This time, he'd protect them by getting as far away as possible.

They'd be safer this way…

Now, he'd find Red John.

He'd kill him.

He'd find Lisbon.

He'd bring her home.

…

The End.


End file.
